Ellie Appleton: Miracles happen all the time!
Jack Malik: Like what?
Ellie Appleton: Benedict Cumberbatch becoming a sex symbol!
John Lennon: You need serious psychiatric help.
Jack Malik: Not anymore.
Jack Malik: [referring to his friends not knowing The Beatles] Wow, this is the most complicated joke I've ever heard.
Nick: Nice song, though.
Jack Malik: It's not a nice song.
Nick: No, it is, mate. Don't do yourself down just because you look like a cartoon character. It's a very nice song.
Jack Malik: It's not a very nice song, Nick. It's one of the greatest songs ever written.
Carol: Well, it's not Coldplay. It's not Fix You.
Jack Malik: It's not bloody Fix You, Carol, it's a great, great work of art.
Carol: Wow, somebody's suddenly got very cocky.
Liz (Liverpool Stranger): A world without the Beatles is a world that's infinitely worse.
[addressing the Wembley Stadium crowd; referring to the giant screen on the stadium showing Ellie]
Jack Malik: This is Ellie. And when I had no fans, Ellie was my only fan. The only person in the world who believed in me. And that's why, tonight, I asked Ed if I could come on and play, because I want to tell her, and you, what I've done. Darn it, Ellie, I've been untrue.
All the songs I've sung tonight were really written and performed by four men called John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison, and Ringo Starr. The Beatles. They were the real geniuses. Me, I'm just a sort of go-between to, well, get their astonishing stuff into the world. And, uh, I passed their amazing work off as my own, so I could look like I was amazing too.
[the crowd starts
jeering]
Jack Malik: I want you all to know that I'm not going to take any money for this work that isn't mine. So you can have all the songs for free. Rocky, do it.
Rocky: Right. Here goes.
[he upload the songs for free to the internet]
Jack Malik: They're being released, for free, online now. And I'd love to not take
any more praise for it. So, um, I'm so sorry.
[to Jack and Ellie]
Gavin: Well, this is a strange one. Of course I've always known I was number two. But that's not a bad place to be. Some of the best songs never made it to number one. Common People by Pulp, for a start. It's a total classic. And obviously all I want is for Ellie to be happy.
Ellie Appleton: Gavin. Best man I ever met.
Ellie Appleton: [she kisses his cheek] Thank you, Gavin.
Ed Sheeran: I do have a suggestion though. Um, about the song. The title, Hey Jude. Jude is just, it's a bit old fashioned. That was the kid's name, right?
Jack Malik: What kid?
Ed Sheeran: That the song's about.
Jack Malik: Oh, the kid, the kid, the kid. Yes, the sad kid.
Ed Sheeran:
Now, let me just give you this advice, right? Song title. I won't charge you a penny for it as well. Hey Dude.
Jack Malik: Look, I can't be the star that we thought I could be at fourteen, on that day in the school hall when I sang a pretty cool cover of Wonderwall, and you were there, backstage.
Ellie Appleton: I'm not hearing a word.
Jack Malik: Okay, but look, this was my last gig. And I'm so happy you were there. This is the end of our
long and winding road.
Ellie Appleton: [after Jack sings Yesterday to Ellie and his friends] What the hell was that?
Jack Malik: Yesterday.
Carol: That was one of the most beautiful songs I've ever heard.
Rocky: Yeah. I mean, it's a bit-bit sloppy, but it's sweet.
Ellie Appleton: When did you write that?
Jack Malik: I didn't write it. Paul McCartney wrote it, The Beatles.
Carol: Who?
Jack Malik: The Beatles.
Carol: The what?
Jack Malik: John, Paul, George and Ringo, The Beatles.
Rocky: Which beetles is this? The insect beetles or the car Beetles?
Jack Malik: The pop group Beatles.
Ellie Appleton: How did I get in the wrong column? How did I get in the "friend, manager, roadie" column, inst...... instead of the "And I Love Her" column?
Jack Malik: Oh, god. There's definitely columns?
Ellie Appleton: Well, a girl can certainly tell the difference.
Nick: There's this problem with musicians: they have this encyclopedic knowledge of obscure pop, make you feel stupid when you haven't heard a band. Like Neutral Milk Hotel, or The Monophonics, or -- in this case -- the Beatles.