White Chicks Quotes

Heather Vandergeld: Look who just flew in from the slums of Beverly Hills.
Megan Vandergeld: It's the Beverly Ho-Billies.
Marcus Copeland: [as Tiffany Wilson] Squeeze me?
Kevin Copeland: [as Brittany Wilson] Oh, no, you didn't?
Marcus Copeland: [as Tiffany Wilson] I'm sorry, but um...

we just saw your new video. Yeah, they had a screening over at Saks Fifth Avenue in the security office
[laughs]
Marcus Copeland: A klept-ho-maniac!
[laughs]
Megan Vandergeld: [arrogantly] Your mother shops at Saks.
Marcus Copeland: [indignantly]
[as Tiffany Wilson]
Marcus Copeland:

What?
[the Vandergeld Sisters proudly do siss-fingers]
Kevin Copeland: [as Brittany Wilson] Oh, my God. You want to talk about mothers? You wanna talk about mothers! It's mother time, OK?Your mother's so dumb she went to Dr Dre for a Pap smear! "Something's wrong, Dr Dre! My coochie's doing a beatbox!"
Heather Vandergeld: Well, yeah? Your

mother's so stupid she exercises when she could just get, like, liposuction or something!
Marcus Copeland: [as Tiffany Wilson] Your mother's so old that her breast milk is powdered. You breast-feed like this:
[blows powder from hand, and everyone laughs]
Heather Vandergeld: Your mother is so, like... She's so...
[to Megan]

Heather Vandergeld: Megan, you go!
Megan Vandergeld: Your mother is so stupid that she goes to Barney's Rooftop Deck Restaurant for lunch and orders a niçoise salad and calls it a 'ni-coise' salad. 'Ni-coise' salad, right?
Marcus Copeland: [as Tiffany Wilson] Your mother's ass is so hairy, it looks like Don King's about to pop out

and say, "Only in America!"

Kevin Copeland: [as Brittany Wilson]
[Brittany comes the dressing room with an outfit]
Kevin Copeland: How about this?
Lisa: [Sobbing] You bitch, that's so terrible!
Kevin Copeland: [as Brittany Wilson] OK, I'm going to go get help, OK? You need professional help.
Lisa: [Sobbing]

OK! OK!
Kevin Copeland: [as Brittany Wilson] Dr Phil!

Kevin Copeland: Forget him, Marcus. We can do this ourselves. Look, all we gotta do is--is--is...
Marcus Copeland: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. "We?" Kevin, this ain't about "we." It's never been. It's about you. You come up with some stupid idea and I'm dumb enough to go along with it. And look where it's gotten me, Kevin. I just lost my wife and my job

because of you. So don't tell me about "we" no more, all right?

Agent Vincent Gomez: So, who do you think wore those panties you were sniffing? Kevin or Marcus?
Agent Jake Harper: Gomez, l told you. l was looking for DNA...
Section Chief Elliott Gordon: Oh, yeah.
Agent Jake Harper: What are you laughing at, ''Denzel''? ''Oh, what a beautiful chocolate man!'' hahahaha

Section Chief Elliott Gordon: You guys got some work to do?

[Kevin and Marcus approach the desk at the hotel, disguised as Brittany and Tiffany, respectively. "Brittany"'s fake breasts knock over multiple items on the desk]
Kevin Copeland: Sorry. Um... um... They're new. Dr. Dorfman did an *amazing* job.
Marcus Copeland: [squeezes "Brittany"'s breast] They feel *so* real.
Agent Jake

Harper: Hi. I, I, um... I need a credit card, please. And, and some I.D., please.
Kevin Copeland: ["Brittany" takes "her" I.D. out of "her" handbag and realizes it has Kevin's information and photo on. "She" quickly thinks and acts offended] Credit card? I.D.? I'm *so* freakin' pissed*! First of all, I go to Dr. Dorf and he totally messes up my nose job. I ask him

to make me look like Gwyneth Paltrow... I get off the surgery table looking like freakin' *Shrek*! Then I get *here*, and Mr. *Harper* makes me feel like I'm some dumb blonde with fake boobs going to a Hugh Hefner party!
Agent Jake Harper: No, I-I didn't mean to offend you; it's just, it's... it's protocol!
Kevin Copeland: I'm gonna have a B.F.!

Marcus Copeland: Oh, my God... She's gonna have a bitch fit!
Agent Jake Harper: No, no, no, d-d-don't have a-a-a B.F. now.
Kevin Copeland: I wanna speak to your supervisor! Better yet, I'm gonna write a letter!
Marcus Copeland: [to Harper] You are in *big* trouble!
Kevin Copeland:

[Agitated, "Brittany" grabs a pen and a sheet of paper and starts writing] Dear... Mr... Royal... Hampton. I... am... a... *white*... woman... in... America.
Section Chief Elliott Gordon: [appears] Ladies, is there a problem here?
Marcus Copeland, Kevin Copeland: Yes.
Agent Jake Harper: No! Sir, no, no,

there's... there's no problem.
Section Chief Elliott Gordon: These are two of our VIP guests. Issue them keys. Immediately.
Agent Jake Harper: [nods nervously] Yes, sir.
Marcus Copeland: [to Harper] V. I. P. Learn your acronyms, okay?
Kevin Copeland: [to Gordon after he hands the "girls" room cards]

What a sweetheart!
Section Chief Elliott Gordon: Enjoy your stay.
Kevin Copeland: Has anyone ever told you you look *just* like Denzel Washington?
Section Chief Elliott Gordon: [laughing] Yeah, actually I have heard it once... or twice.
Kevin Copeland: What a beautiful chocolate man! Beautiful!

["Brittany" and "Tiffany" walk away giggling; Gordon and Harper exchange puzzled looks]

Megan Vandergeld: [realizing her father's hostage kidnapping plot, and he is the kidnapper] Daddy! Why are you doing this?
Kevin Copeland: [as Brittany Wilson, but in his regular voice] Daddy didn't tell you? He's broke!
Heather Vandergeld: [confused] What do you mean "broke"? Like, Martha Stewart "broke"? Or MC Hammer "broke"?

Warren Vandergeld: MC Hammer broke!
Megan Vandergeld, Heather Vandergeld: [the Vandergelds wail and cry] NOOOOOOOOOOOO!