Mr. Callahan: Nothing, why don't you read first?
Patrick: Alright, Chapter 1: Surviving your fascist shop teacher who needs to put kids down to feel big. Oh wow! This is useful guys, we should read on!
Sam: Charlie, I know that you know I like Craig. But I want to forget about that for a minute, okay?
Charlie: Okay.
Sam: I just want to make sure that the first person who kisses you loves you. Okay?
Sam: [Charlie is silent, transfixed. Sam gives a watery chuckle and moves closer to Charlie. They kiss,
starting slow and becoming deeper. Sam pulls away after a dizzying moment or two] I love you, Charlie.
Charlie: I love you, too.
Patrick: There's this one guy, queer as a 3 dollar bill. The guy's father doesn't know about his son. So, he comes into the basement one night when he's supposed to be out of town. Catches his son with another boy, so he starts beating him. But not like the slap kind, the real kind. And the boyfriend says, "Stop! You're killing him!" But the son just yells, "Get out!" And,
eventually, the boyfriend just... did.
Patrick: I'll tell you Sam, this one is tough. I have received a harmonica, a magnetic poetry set, a book about Harvey Milk, and a mix tape with the song Asleep on it twice. I mean, I have no idea. This collection of presents is so gay that I think I must have given them to myself. Despite that distinct possibility, I'm going to have to go with... drum roll... Charlie! Obviously!
Mary Elizabeth: Charlie, Charlie, what do you think about high school?
Charlie: High school? Bullshit. The cafeteria is called the Nutrition Center; people wear their letter jackets even when it's 98 degrees out. And why do they give out letter jackets to marching band? It's not a sport. We all know it.
Mary Elizabeth: [laughing]
This kid is crazy.
Charlie: Mary Elizabeth, I think you're really gonna regret that, you know
[imitates electric razor]
Charlie: haircut when you look back at old photographs. I'm really sorry. That sounded like a compliment in my head.
Charlie: Patrick never likes to be serious, so it took me a while to get what happened. When he was a junior, Patrick started seeing Brad on the weekends in secret. I guess it was hard, too, because Brad had to get drunk every time they fooled around. Then Monday in school Brad would say, 'Man, I was so wasted. I don't remember a thing.' This went on for seven months. When they
finally did it Brad said he loved Patrick and then he started to cry. No matter what Patrick did, Brad kept saying that his dad would kill him and saying he was going to hell. Patrick was eventually able to help Brad get sober. I asked Patrick if he felt sad that he still had to keep it a secret, and he said no. Because at least now Brad doesn't have to get drunk to love him.
Charlie: Hey, Patrick.
Patrick: Hey! You're in my shop class, right? How's your clock coming?
Charlie: My dad's building it for me.
Patrick: Yeah. Mine looks like a boat. You wanna sit over here or are you waiting for your friends?
Charlie: No, no, no I'll sit.
Patrick: Thanks for not calling me Nothing, by the way. It's an endless nightmare. And these assholes, they actually think they're being original.
Mary Elizabeth: [after Charlie has handed them a bag of gifts] Wait a second, there's only Secret Santa presents. There's rules!
Patrick: Mary Elizabeth, why are you trying to EAT Christmas?