Louis: D'Artagnan, I am not angry with you. I knew you would lead me to them, and so you have. Lay down your sword and I will not punish you. I will let you retire in peace, and I will give your friends a swift execution, if you surrender NOW!
Aramis: Why are you so glum?
Porthos: I expected action. There was no fighting, there was no killing. I was useless.
Aramis: Porthos, I grow tired of this attitude. You're surrounded by beauty, by intrigue, by danger. What more can a man want? The robins are singing, the pigeons are cooing. Can't you listen to their song?
[he
walks off in disgust; Porthos takes off his hat when something falls on it to reveal it's bird-dung]
[a rioting crowd throws rotten food at D'Artagnan; he draws his sword and slashes the fruit in mid-air, then skewers a tomato. The crowd is awed into silence. He bites the tomato, then grimaces and spits it out]
D'Artagnan: You are right. It is rotten. I will speak to the King myself. You have my word.
D'Artagnan: Your people are most anxious to love you, but they are eating rotten food and sometimes none at all.
[Porthos brings three wenches to Aramis' apartment, but they find him at prayer]
Porthos: Sorry, my dears. You would have enjoyed it too. He's hung like a donkey.
Wench: So are you.
Porthos: Really? He's been asleep for so long, I've forgotten about him.
D'Artagnan: You are constantly surrounded by beautiful women. Do you love any of them?
Louis: Quite frequently, actually.