The Hangover Quotes

Alan Garner: What if Doug's dead? I can't afford to lose somebody close to me again, it hurts too much. I was so upset when my grandpa died.
Phil Wenneck: How'd he die?
Alan Garner: World War II.
Phil Wenneck: Died in battle?
Alan Garner: No, he was skiing in Vermont, it was just during

World War II.

Stu Price: [playing piano and singing passionately] What do tigers dream of when they take their little tiger snooze? Do they dream of mauling zebras, or Halle Berry in her Catwoman suit? Don't you worry your pretty striped head, we're gonna get you back to Tyson and your cozy tiger bed. And then we're gonna find our best friend Doug, and then we're gonna give him a best friend

hug. Doug, Doug, oh, Doug, Dougie, Dougie, Doug, Doug! But if he's been murdered by crystal meth tweakers,
[stops suddenly]
Stu Price: well then we're shit out of luck.

Alan Garner: [looks at his manual] It says here we should work in teams. Who wants to be my spotter?
Doug Billings: I don't think you should be doing too much gambling tonight, Alan.
Alan Garner: Gambling? Who said anything about gambling? It's not gambling when you know you're gonna win. Counting cards is a foolproof system.

Stu Price: It's also illegal.
Alan Garner: It's not illegal. It's frowned upon, like masturbating on an airplane.
Phil Wenneck: I'm pretty sure that's illegal too.
Alan Garner: Yeah, maybe after 9/11, where everybody got so sensitive. Thanks a lot, bin Laden.

Alan Garner: Hello. How 'bout that ride in? I guess that's why they call it Sin City.
[awkward laughter]
Alan Garner: You guys might not know this, but I consider myself a bit of a loner. I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack. But when my sister brought Doug home, I knew he was one of my own. And my wolf pack... it grew by one. So there...

there were two of us in the wolf pack... I was alone first in the pack, and then Doug joined in later. And six months ago, when Doug introduced me to you guys, I thought, "Wait a second, could it be?" And now I know for sure, I just added two more guys to my wolf pack. Four of us wolves, running around the desert together, in Las Vegas, looking for strippers and cocaine. So tonight, I make a

toast!

Alan Garner: [while picking up Phil at the school where he works] Did you have to park so close?
Doug Billings: Yeah, what's wrong?
Alan Garner: I shouldn't be here.
Doug Billings: Why is that, Alan?
Alan Garner: I'm not supposed to be within two hundred feet of a school... or a Chuck

E. Cheese.

Alan Garner: Guys. Guys. What about the tiger? What if he got out?
Phil Wenneck: Oh, fuck! I keep forgetting about the goddamn tiger! How the fuck did he get in there?
Stu Price: I don't know, because I don't remember.
Phil Wenneck: Shh! Stu. Stu, keep it down.
Alan Garner: One of the

side effects of roofies is memory loss.
Stu Price: You are literally too stupid to insult.

Alan Garner: Can I ask you another question?
Lisa: Sure.
Alan Garner: You probably get this a lot. This isn't the real Caesar's Palace is it?
Lisa: What do you mean?
Alan Garner: Did, umm... did Caesar live here?
Lisa: No.
Alan Garner: I

didn't think so.

Phil Wenneck: Tracy, it's Phil.
Tracy Garner: Phil, where the hell are you guys? I'm freaking out.
Phil Wenneck: Yeah, listen, uh... we fucked up.
Tracy Garner: What are you talking about?
Phil Wenneck: The bachelor party. The whole night. It's... Things got out of control and, uh... we

lost Doug.
Tracy Garner: What?
Phil Wenneck: We can't find Doug.
Tracy Garner: What are you saying, Phil? We're getting married in *five hours*.
Phil Wenneck: Yeah... that's not gonna happen.