Ted 2 Quotes

Customer: Hey.
Ted: Hello.
Customer: I have to... I have to ask a few questions about this breakfast cereal.
Ted: Uhhh... Yeah, yeah. Box of Trix.
Customer: Yeah, that's right. I've been led to understand that Trix are exclusively for children. Is that correct?

Ted: Well... I mean they say 'Trix are for kids' in the commercials b...
Customer: Aha, aha. Now, is that enforced by law?
Ted: Uh, not to my knowledge. No.
Customer: So if I purchase these Trix, there'll be no trouble?
Ted: No. No. You should be fine.
Customer:

You do understand that I myself am not a child?
Ted: I was able to sniff that out, yeah.
Customer: Okay, I'm going to bring these back to my apartment.
Ted: Yeah, yeah. You'll be okay.
Customer: And... I won't be followed?
Ted: No, uh... that's not in our budget here.

Customer: Hey, I won't forget what you've done for me here today.
Ted: I would prefer that you do. Jesus Christ.

[a library full of semen samples falls over John, spilling everything]
John: Oh, I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry!
Ted: We are so sorry!
Female Nurse: Well I guess it's alright - those are the rejected sickle cell samples.
Ted: Did you hear that, Johnny? You're covered in rejected black guy sperm. You look

like a Kardashian.

Comic: So first, we need a historical event. Who's got an event?
Ted: 9/11!
Comic: Oh oh, okay. Okay, maybe something else. Uh, let's start with a person.
John: Robin Williams!
Comic: Okay, alright. For real, guys, for real. Who's got a person?
Ted: Robin

Williams on 9/11!
Comic: Alright, we've heard from these guys, uh, let's maybe give somebody else over here a chance. How about a location? Let's go with a location.
Ted: The offices of Charlie Hebdo!
Comic: Okay, seriously, sir, I just need a location.
John: Ferguson, Missouri!

Ted: Germanwings cockpit!
Comic: Okay, I heard Starbucks!
Ted: No, you didn't!
John: Nobody said Starbucks.
Comic: Alright, Starbucks! Okay now, who's in the Starbucks?
Ted: Bill Cosby!
Comic: You people are monsters.

John: We're giving you the tools, buddy! Come on, make some fucking comedy!

Ted: Oh my God, John, did you see that? She was totally giving you the "fuck me" eyes.
John: No, she wasn't.
Ted: She was giving you the "fuck me" eyes.
Samantha Jackson: What are the "fuck me" eyes?
Ted: Yeah, it's just some women just have "fuck me" eyes.
Samantha

Jackson: Do I have "fuck me" eyes?
Ted: No, you have "Give me the ring, my precious" eyes.

Ted: What the fuck!
John: Holy shit, dude! What's the matter? What happened? What's going on?
Ted: There's so much porn!
John: What the hell are you doing, looking at my private shit?
Ted: What are you talking about, "private shit"? Johnny, it was wide open! There are literally

thousands of files here!
John: Well, I've been meaning to clear some of that up!
Ted: Jesus Chri-Look at the organization here! "Clockwise Rimjob"? "Counterclockwise Rimjob"?
John: Yeah, well, sometimes, we like seeing the tongue go the other way!
Ted: You sick bastard! Look at this! "Chicks With

Dicks"!
John: Oh my God! Oh my God, I have a disease! Allright? I need help!
Ted: There are no chicks with dicks, Johnny! Only guys with tits!

[from trailer]
Samantha Jackson: All right, I'm going to ask you these test questions. Are you ready?
Ted: Yup, bring it on.
Samantha Jackson: Do you consider yourself to be human?
Ted: Objection!
John: Sustained!
Samantha Jackson: You know, the witness

can't object.
John: Overruled.
Ted: Sidebar.
John: Guilty!
Ted: Speculation.
John: Hearsay!
Ted: Bailiff.
John: Briefcase.
Ted: Disregard.
John: In my chambers.

Ted: Stop beavering the witness.
John: I rest.
Ted: We could totally be lawyers.

Samantha Jackson: Alright, I've got 'Dred Scott v. Sandford', 'Plessy v. Ferguson', and 'Brown v. The Board of Education'.
John: I got 'Kramer vs. Kramer', 'Alien vs. Predator', and 'Freddy vs. Jason'.
Ted: I got, uh, 'Earnest Goes to Camp', 'Earnest Goes to Jail', and 'The Importance of Being Earnest' which was very disappointing.

Ted: I think it's time to play the Beetlejuice card.
John: What?
Ted: I mean, saying his name three times so he appears.
John: Are you fucking crazy? We don't want that guy running around here!
Ted: No, it'll be fine! he'll be on our side! Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetle...

John: Hey, you are messing with powers you do not understand, alright! Cut the shit!

[Ted smokes some marijuana using Sam's penis-shaped bong. John pulls out his smartphone and takes a picture]
Ted: Oh, what the fuck? What are you doing?
John: [texting] Hashtag: My amazing summer.
Ted: God dammit, what the hell is wrong with you?
John: Oh, I fucking owe you, you bastard.

Ted: What do you mean? I was just messing around.
John: Oh, shut up and suck that dick.
Ted: Oh, fuck you.

[Ted runs away from Donny all over the New York Comic-Con, then he hides among a display of similar teddy bears. Donny sees the display]
Donny: You know, I really love that Neil Diamond. Especially that song they sing at the, uh, the Red Sox games. It's just so infectious. You just can't help but sing along.
Donny: [singing] Hands touching hands,

reaching out, touching me, touching you, Sweet Caroline...
[Ted suddenly reacts to the song, giving himself away among the teddy bears]
Ted: Bah, bah, bah!
[Donny lunges at him]
Ted: Fuck! Crazy son of a bitch!
[Ted struggles to escape by punching Donny, but Donny punches back]
Vendor: Hey! What are you

doing to that bear?
Donny: I'm sorry, I uh,
Vendor: You better be planning on buying that!
Donny: He just reminds me of when I was a kid.
Vendor: Yeah, that's great. $40.
Donny: Okay. I have $40 here.
[Donny gives the vendor his money before walking away with Ted]

[Ted enters the New York Comic-Con and bumps into Guy, who is dressed as The Tick]
Guy: Hey, Ted!
Ted: Guy?
Guy: I thought that was you. What's happening, man? Hey Rick! It is Ted.
[Rick appears, dressed as Lt. Worf]
Rick: Hey, how are you doin'?
Ted: Hey, what's going on?

Guy: What are you doing here?
Ted: [sighs] You know, I just feel at home among the outcasts. What are you guys doing here?
Guy: Well, you know, uh, Rick and I, we just come here as a gag.
Rick: Yeah. Dress up like we're into this shit and fuck with the nerds.
[Guy stops a guest passing by]

Ted: Hey, spaz. Uh, why don't you go get me some Big League Chew. How about that, huh?
[Guy gives the guest a wedgie. He and Rick laugh as the guest runs away]
Ted: Ha-ha. All right, well, good luck with your dick, there.
[noticing the bulge on Guy's costume before walking away]
Guy: Right on. You too, man.
[Guy

looks at his hands]
Guy: God dammit, that underwear had shit on it!