Spaceballs Quotes

Dark Helmet: Before you die there is something you should know about us, Lone Starr.
Lone Starr: What?
Dark Helmet: I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate.
Lone Starr: What's that make us?
Dark Helmet: Absolutely nothing! Which is what you are about to become.

Colonel Sandurz: Try here. Stop.
Dark Helmet: What the hell am I looking at? When does this happen in the movie?
Colonel Sandurz: Now. You're looking at now, sir. Everything that happens now, is happening now.
Dark Helmet: What happened to then?
Colonel Sandurz: We passed then.

Dark Helmet: When?
Colonel Sandurz: Just now. We're at now now.
Dark Helmet: Go back to then.
Colonel Sandurz: When?
Dark Helmet: Now.
Colonel Sandurz: Now?
Dark Helmet: Now.
Colonel Sandurz: I can't.

Dark Helmet: Why?
Colonel Sandurz: We missed it.
Dark Helmet: When?
Colonel Sandurz: Just now.
Dark Helmet: When will then be now?
Colonel Sandurz: Soon.
Dark Helmet: How soon?

Dark Helmet: Careful you idiot! I said across her nose, not up it!
Laser Gunner: Sorry sir! I'm doing my best!
Dark Helmet: Who made that man a gunner?
Major Asshole: I did sir. He's my cousin.
Dark Helmet: Who is he?
Colonel Sandurz: He's an asshole sir.

Dark Helmet: I know that! What's his name?
Colonel Sandurz: That is his name sir. Asshole, Major Asshole!
Dark Helmet: And his cousin?
Colonel Sandurz: He's an asshole too sir. Gunner's mate First Class Philip Asshole!
Dark Helmet: How many assholes do we have on this ship, anyway?

[Entire bridge crew stands up and raises a hand]
Entire Bridge Crew: Yo!
Dark Helmet: I knew it. I'm surrounded by assholes!
[Dark Helmet pulls his face shield down]
Dark Helmet: Keep firing, assholes!

Ape #1: [as the Spaceballs and what is left of Mega Maid land on the Planet of the Apes] Dear me. What are these things coming out of her nose?
Dark Helmet: [One of the apes takes his binoculars out and sees Colonel Sandurz, Dark Helmet, and President Skroob coming out of Mega Maid's nose] Hey, hey, hey. Watch my Helmet.
Ape #2: Spaceballs.

Ape #1: Oh, shit. There goes the planet.

[Lord Helmet is playing with his dolls in his quarters when Col Sandurz bursts in]
Colonel Sandurz: Lord Helmet!
Dark Helmet: WHAT?
[Helmet gathers up his dolls in the blink of an eye]
Colonel Sandurz: You're needed on the bridge sir!
Dark Helmet: Knock on my door! Knock next time!

Colonel Sandurz: Yes, sir!
Dark Helmet: Did you see anything?
Colonel Sandurz: No, sir! I didn't see you playing with your dolls again.
Dark Helmet: GOOD!
[Sandurz slams the door]

[King Roland has given in to Dark Helmet's threats, and is telling him the combination to the "air shield"]
Roland: One.
Dark Helmet: One.
Colonel Sandurz: One.
Roland: Two.
Dark Helmet: Two.
Colonel Sandurz: Two.
Roland: Three.

Dark Helmet: Three.
Colonel Sandurz: Three.
Roland: Four.
Dark Helmet: Four.
Colonel Sandurz: Four.
Roland: Five.
Dark Helmet: Five.
Colonel Sandurz: Five.
Dark Helmet: So the combination

is... one, two, three, four, five? That's the stupidest combination I've ever heard in my life! That's the kind of thing an idiot would have on his luggage!

Dark Helmet: [playing with his dolls, in Dark Helmet voice] So, Princess Vespa, at last I have you in my clutches, to have my way with you, the way I want to.
[in Vespa voice]
Dark Helmet: No, no, please leave me alone!
[in Dark Helmet voice]
Dark Helmet: No, you are mine!
[in Lone Starr voice]

Dark Helmet: Not so fast, Helmet!
[in Dark Helmet voice]
Dark Helmet: Lone Starr!
[in Lone Starr voice]
Dark Helmet: Yes, its me. I'm here to save my girlfriend. Hi, honey.
[in Dark Helmet voice]
Dark Helmet: Now you are going to die! BAM!
[in Lone Starr voice]
Dark

Helmet: Oh, oh... OH!
[in Barf voice]
Dark Helmet: Hey, what did you do to my friend?
[in Dark Helmet voice]
Dark Helmet: The same thing I'm going to do to you, big boy!
[in Barf voice]
Dark Helmet: OH! OH!
[in Dark Helmet voice]
Dark Helmet: And you too!
[in

Dot voice]
Dark Helmet: Owww! Ah!
[in Dark Helmet voice]
Dark Helmet: Now Princess Vespa, at last we are alone.
[in Vespa voice]
Dark Helmet: Oh, oh, I hate you I hate you I hate you leave me alone! - yet, I find you strangely attractive.
[in Dark Helmet voice]
Dark Helmet: Of

course you do. Druish princesses are often attracted to money, and power, and I have BOTH, and YOU KNOW IT!
[in Vespa voice]
Dark Helmet: Oh, oh, leave me alone!
[in Dark Helmet voice]
Dark Helmet: No, kiss me!
[cuts between their voices]
Dark Helmet: Oh, oh, no, yes, no, NO, yes, ah, ah, ah ahhhhh... oh,

your helmet is so big...

Dark Helmet: [appearing in the room, lifting up his visor] I can't breathe in this thing.
Colonel Sandurz: We're approaching Planet Druidia, sir.
Dark Helmet: Good. I'll call Spaceball City and notify President Skroob immediately.
Radio Operator: I already called him, sir. He knows everything.

Dark Helmet: What? You went over my helmet?
Radio Operator: Well not exactly over, sir... more to the side - I'll always call you first, it will never happen again, never, ever.
[Helmet gets out his Schwartz ring]
Radio Operator: Oh, shit. No, no, no. No, please, please, no.
[covering his neck]
Radio

Operator: Not that.
Dark Helmet: [lowers his visor] Yes, that.
[aims the beam at the operator's crotch, as the operator agonizes in pain]

Yogurt: Merchandising, merchandising, where the real money from the movie is made. Spaceballs-the T-shirt, Spaceballs-the Coloring Book, Spaceballs-the Lunch box, Spaceballs-the Breakfast Cereal, Spaceballs-the Flame Thrower.
[turns it on]

Dink, Dink, Dink, Dink, Dink, Dink: Ooooh!
Yogurt: [reacts to dinks] The kids love this one.
[a dink hands him a doll that looks likes Yogurt]
Yogurt: And last but not least, Spaceballs the doll, me.
[pulls

string]
Doll: May the schwartz be with you!
Yogurt: [kisses the doll] Adorable.

Dark Helmet: [after tearing the microphone out of the desk] Now what is it?
Radar Technician: I'm having trouble with the radar, sir.
Dark Helmet: What's wrong with it?
Radar Technician: I've lost the bleeps, I've lost the sweeps, and I've lost the creeps.
Dark Helmet: The what?

Colonel Sandurz: The what?
Dark Helmet: And the what?
Radar Technician: You know. The bleeps.
[makes bleep sound effect, making a ripple motion with his fingers]
Radar Technician: The sweeps.
[makes sweep sound. Quivers his face while doing it]
Radar Technician: And the

creeps.
[makes creep sound, making little movements with his fingers]
Dark Helmet: [to Colonel Sandurz] That's not all he's lost.

Megamaid Guard: What the hell are you doing?
Lone Starr: The Vulcan neck pinch?
Megamaid Guard: No, no, no, stupid, you've got it much too high. It's down here where the shoulder meets the neck.
[Lone Starr changes hand position]
Lone Starr: Like this?
Megamaid Guard: Yeah!

[guard falls to the ground]
Lone Starr: Thanks.

Dark Helmet: [looking at Mr. Coffee] What's the matter with this thing, what's all that churnning and bubbling, you call that radar screen?
Colonel Sandurz: No, sir. We call it,
[slaps the machine]
Colonel Sandurz: Mr Coffee. Care for some?
[prepairs a cup for Helmet]
Dark Helmet: Yes. I always

have my coffee when I watch radar, you know that.
Colonel Sandurz: Of course I do, sir.
Dark Helmet: [to everybody] Everybody knows that!
All the henchmen in the room: [covering their crotches] Of course we do, sir.