Seinfeld
Seinfeld

Telemarketer: Hi, would you be interested in switching over to TMI long distance service?
Jerry: Oh, gee, I can't talk right now. Why don't you give me your home number and I'll call you later?
Telemarketer: Uh, well I'm sorry, we're not allowed to do that.
Jerry: Oh, I guess you don't want people calling you at home.
Telemarketer: No.


Jerry: Well, now you know how I feel.
[Jerry hangs up phone]

Seinfeld
Seinfeld

Jerry: Surveys show that the #1 fear of Americans is public speaking. #2 is death. Death is #2. That means that at a funeral, the average American would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.

Seinfeld
Seinfeld

George Costanza: I have a bad feeling that whenever a lesbian looks at me they think "That's why I'm not a heterosexual."

Seinfeld
Seinfeld

Cosmo Kramer: Well, after he heckled Toby, she got so upset, she ran out of the building and a street sweeper ran over her foot and severed her pinky toe.
George Costanza: That's unbelievable!
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah! Then after the ambulance left, I found the toe! So I put it in a Cracker Jack box, filled it with ice, and took off for

the hospital.
George Costanza: You ran?
Cosmo Kramer: No, I jumped on the bus. I told the driver, "I got a toe here, buddy - step on it!"
George Costanza: Holy cow!
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, yeah, then all of a sudden, this guy pulls out a gun. Well, I knew any delay is gonna cost her her pinky toe, so I got

out of the seat and I started walking towards him. He says, "Where do you think you're going, Cracker Jack?" I said, "Well, I got a little prize for ya, buddy."
Cosmo Kramer: [Kramer throws two punches and an uppercut] Knocked him out cold!
George Costanza: How could you do that?
Cosmo Kramer: Then everybody is screamin,'

because the driver, he's passed out from all the commotion. The bus is outta control! So I grab him by the collar, I take him out of the seat, I get behind the wheel, and now I'm driving the bus.
Jerry: Wow.
George Costanza: You're Batman.
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, yeah, I am Batman. Then the mugger, he comes to and he starts

choking me. So I'm fighting him off with one hand and I kept driving the bus with the other, ya know. Then I managed to open up the door and I kicked him out the door, ya know, with my foot, ya know, at the next stop.
Jerry: You kept making all the stops?
Cosmo Kramer: Well, people kept ringing the bell!

Seinfeld
Seinfeld

[repeated lines]
Newman: Hello, Jerry.
Jerry: Hello, Newman.

Seinfeld
Seinfeld

George Costanza: It became very clear to me sitting out there today that every decision I've made in my entire life has been wrong. My life is the complete opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every aspect of life, be it something to wear, something to eat - it's all been wrong.

Seinfeld
Seinfeld

Cosmo Kramer: You're wasting your life.
George Costanza: I am not. What you call wasting, I call living. I'm living my life.
Cosmo Kramer: OK, like what? No, tell me. Do you have a job?
George Costanza: No.
Cosmo Kramer: You got money?
George Costanza: No.

Cosmo Kramer: Do you have a woman?
George Costanza: No.
Cosmo Kramer: Do you have any prospects?
George Costanza: No.
Cosmo Kramer: You got anything on the horizon?
George Costanza: Uh, no.
Cosmo Kramer: Do you have any action at all?

George Costanza: No.
Cosmo Kramer: Do you have any conceivable reason for even getting up in the morning?
George Costanza: I like to get the Daily News.

Seinfeld
Seinfeld

Jerry: I wanted to talk to you about Dr. Whatley. I have a suspicion that he's converted to Judaism purely for the jokes.
Priest: And this offends you as a Jewish person?
Jerry: No, it offends me as a comedian.

Seinfeld
Seinfeld

George Costanza: Kramer goes to a fantasy camp? His whole life is a fantasy camp. People should plunk down $2000 to live like him for a week. Do nothing, fall ass-backwards into money, mooch food off your neighbors and have sex without dating. THAT'S a fantasy camp.

Seinfeld
Seinfeld

Elaine: You know what your problem is? Your standards are too high.
Jerry: I went out with you.
Elaine: That's because my standards are too low.

Seinfeld
Seinfeld

George Costanza: Jerry, just remember, it's not a lie if you believe it.

Seinfeld
Seinfeld

Cosmo Kramer: Boy, these pretzels are makin' me thirsty.

Seinfeld
Seinfeld

Jerry: Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it. It's too risky. Ya get a sense of it and then you look away.

Seinfeld
Seinfeld

[Kramer gave blood to Jerry]
Jerry: I can feel his blood inside of me, borrowing things from my blood.

Seinfeld
Seinfeld

George Costanza: What gives you pleasure?
Jerry: Listening to you. I listen to this for fifteen minutes and I'm on top of the world. Your misery is my pleasure.

Seinfeld
Seinfeld

Newman: Just remember, when you control the mail, you control... information.

Seinfeld
Seinfeld

George Costanza: The sea was angry that day, my friends - like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli. I got about fifty feet out and suddenly the great beast appeared before me. I tell you he was ten stories high if he was a foot. As if sensing my presence, he let out a great bellow. I said, "Easy, big fella!" And then, as I watched him struggling, I realized that

something was obstructing its breathing. From where I was standing, I could see directly into the eye of the great fish.
Jerry: Mammal.
George Costanza: Whatever.
Cosmo Kramer: Well, what did you do next?
George Costanza: Well then, from out of nowhere, a huge tidal wave lifted me, tossed me like a

cork, and I found myself right on top of him - face to face with the blowhole. I could barely see from the waves crashing down upon me but I knew something was there. So I reached my hand in, felt around, and pulled out the obstruction.
[George reveals the obstruction to be a golf ball]
Cosmo Kramer: What is that, a Titleist?
[George nods]
Cosmo

Kramer: Hole in one, huh?

Seinfeld
Seinfeld

George Costanza: Why do they make the condom packets so hard to open?
Jerry: Probably to give the woman a chance to change her mind.

Seinfeld
Seinfeld

George Costanza: My name is George, I'm unemployed and I live with my parents.

Seinfeld
Seinfeld

Mr. Lippman: It's come to my attention that you and the cleaning woman have engaged in sexual intercourse on the desk in your office. Is that correct?
George Costanza: Who said that?
Mr. Lippman: She did.
George Costanza: [pause] Was that wrong? Should I not have done that? I tell you, I gotta plead ignorance

on this thing, because if anyone had said anything to me at all when I first started here that that sort of thing is frowned upon... you know, cause I've worked in a lot of offices, and I tell you, people do that all the time.
Mr. Lippman: You're fired!
George Costanza: Well, you didn't have to say it like that.