Gale: All right, ya hayseeds, it's a stick-up. Everybody freeze. Everybody down on the ground.
Feisty Hayseed: Well, which is it, young feller? You want I should freeze or get down on the ground? Mean to say, if'n I freeze, I can't rightly drop. And if'n I drop, I'm a-gonna be in motion. You see...
Gale: Shut up!
Feisty Hayseed: Okay then.
Gale: Everybody down on the ground!
Evelle: Y'all can just forget that part about freezin' now.
Gale: Better still to get down there.
Evelle: Yeah, y'all hear that, don't ya?
[Everybody lays down. Gale looks at the now-empty teller windows]
Gale: Shit! Where'd all the tellers go?
Teller's voices: We're down here, sir.
Evelle: They're on the floor as you commanded, Gale.
Parole Board chairman: They've got a name for people like you H.I. That name is called "recidivism."
Parole Board member: Repeat offender!
Parole Board chairman: Not a pretty name, is it H.I.?
H.I.: No, sir. That's one bonehead name, but that ain't me any more.
Parole Board chairman:
You're not just telling us what we want to hear?
H.I.: No, sir, no way.
Parole Board member: 'Cause we just want to hear the truth.
H.I.: Well, then I guess I am telling you what you want to hear.
Parole Board chairman: Boy, didn't we just tell you not to do that?
H.I.: Yes, sir.
Parole Board chairman: Okay, then.
[an old convict and H.I. lying on their prison bunks, passing the time]
Ear-Bending Cellmate: ...and when there was no meat, we ate fowl and when there was no fowl, we ate crawdad and when there was no crawdad to be found, we ate sand.
H.I.: You ate what?
Ear-Bending Cellmate: We ate sand.
[pause]
H.I.: You ate SAND?
Ear-Bending Cellmate: That's right!
Ed McDonnough: [sobbing] Turn to the right.
H.I.: What's the matter, Ed?
Ed McDonnough: My "fy-ance" left me.
H.I.: [narrating] She said her fiancé had run off with a student cosmetologist, who knew how to ply her feminine wiles.
H.I.: [out loud] That sumbitch. You tell him, I think
he's a damn fool, Ed. You tell him I said so - H.I. McDonnough. If he wants to discuss it, he knows where to find me: in the Maricopa County Maximum Security Correctional Facility For Men State Farm, Road Number 31, Tempe, Arizona! I'LL BE WAITIN'! I'll be waitin'.
Glen: How many Polacks it take to screw up a lightbulb?
H.I.: I don't know, Glen. One?
Glen: Nope, it takes three.
[Glen laughs. H.I. doesn't]
Glen: Wait a minute, I told it wrong. Here, I'm startin' over: How come it takes three Polacks to screw up a lightbulb?
H.I.: I don't
know, Glen.
Glen: 'Cause they're so darn stupid!
[Glen laughs again. H.I. doesn't]
Glen: Shit, man, loosen up! Don't ya get it?
H.I.: No, Glen, I sure don't.
Glen: Shit, man, think about it! I guess it's what they call a "way homer."
H.I.: Why's that?
Glen: 'Cause you only get it on the way home.
H.I.: I'm already home, Glen.
Ed McDonnough: Give me that baby, you warthog from hell!
Policeman in Arizona house: What did the pyjamas look like?
Nathan Arizona Sr.: I don't know - they were jammies! They had Yodas 'n' shit on 'em!