Vivian: I appreciate this whole seduction thing you've got going on here, but let me give you a tip: I'm a sure thing.
Edward Lewis: I think we both know she's not my niece.
Barney: Of course.
Edward Lewis: And the reason I know that is that I'm an only child.
Vivian: Bridge? He's not really my uncle.
Bridget: They never are, dear.
Olsen Sister: [Olsen Sister #2, Gretchen] Edward is our most eligible bachelor, everyone is trying to land him.
Vivian: Oh, I'm not trying to land him, I'm just using him for sex.
Mr. Hollister: Just how obscene an amount of cash are we talking about here? Profane or really offensive?
Edward Lewis: Really offensive.
Mr. Hollister: I like him so much.
Edward Lewis: It's just that, uh, very few people surprise me.
Vivian: Yeah, well, you're lucky. Most of 'em shock the hell outta me.
Vivian: That would make you a... lawyer.
Edward Lewis: What makes you think I'm a lawyer?
Vivian: You have that sharp, useless look about you.
Vivian: [sitting with Edward leaning against her in the bathtub] Did I mention, my leg is 44 inches from hip to toe. So basically we are talking about 88 inches of therapy wrapped around you for the bargain price of three thousand dollars.
Vivian: [Sitting at a table, naked and only wearing a tie] How was your day dear?
Edward Lewis: Nice tie!
Vivian: I got it for you.
[after meeting Vivian]
Elizabeth Stuckey: She's wonderful! Where ever did you find her?
Edward Lewis: 976-BABE.
Edward Lewis: Impossible relationships. My special gift is impossible relationships.
Edward Lewis: Oh, Phil! About your car.
Philip Stuckey: Oh, God! What?
Edward Lewis: It corners like it's on rails.
Vivian: [when the elevator door opens, she says this real loud in front of other guests, and Edward] Well, color me happy! There's a sofa in here for two!
[Vivian calls Kit]
Vivian: I called and called, where were you last night?
Kit: Ma?
Edward Lewis: 6 nights at $300 is $1,800.
Vivian: You want days too.
Edward Lewis: $2,000.
Vivian: $3,000.
Edward Lewis: Done.
Vivian: Holy shit!
Edward Lewis: How much for the entire night?
Vivian: To stay here? You couldn't afford it.
Edward Lewis: Try me.
Vivian: Three hundred dollars.
Edward Lewis: Done! Thank you. Now we can relax.
Edward Lewis: You make a hundred dollars an hour and you have a safety pin holding your boot up?
Vivian: [Vivian is trying to eat escargot, she pulls too hard on her tongs, and the snail goes FLYING through the air about 12 feet.] Oops... slippery little suckers.
Waiter: [A quick-reflex waiter catches it.] It happens all the time.
