Officer Stubie: I promise you when I find your old man, I am personally gonna fuck him up!
Officer Stubie: Would someone please get this chicken out of my ass?
Hank Evans: Ever been bitch slapped?
Hank Evans: I noticed you conveniently left out your eating disorder.
Irene P. Waters: I don't have and eating disorder.
Hank Evans: Whatever you say, slim.
Charlie Baileygates: Irene?
Irene P. Waters: Hmm?
Charlie Baileygates: Why am I peeing like I was up all night having sex?
Narrator: Well, it seems old Hank had pulled a fast one.
Irene P. Waters: Does your ass feel numb?
Charlie Baileygates: [referring to his pills] No, but they give me unbelievable cotton-mouth.
Irene P. Waters: I meant from the ride.
Charlie Baileygates: Oh. Oh, no. Over the years my ass has taken a pounding.
Irene P. Waters: You should be furious. I just dropped kicked you right in the face.
Charlie Baileygates: Hey, it happens.
Jamaal: These two motherfuckers can do the shopping, and I'll do the cooking.
Lee Harvey: Man, you'll do the cooking? Man, you're the one who thought you got chipped beef from a toothy blowjob.
Hank Evans: Free hot dogs here, all you can eat! Get your foot long and a bag of nuts!
Hank Evans: Come on, don't be mad, my little pussy-fart.
Agent Boshane: We just got a report that he put six bullets into a prize cow's head. Poor thing's lucky to be alive.
[Charlie's sons look at each other; Lee Harvey raises an eyebrow]
Hank Evans: Well looky here, it's a human Q-tip.
Hank Evans: [to Irene] Name's Hank, Hank Evans - for little girls...
Chris Rock: Toss my salad, fool what's that? Well having your salad tossed means having your asshole eaten out with jelly or syrup. I prefer syrup.
Charlie Baileygates: He's a funny motherfucker!
Shonte Jr.: [On Charlie's new chin] He sure is a Spartacus looking motherfucker.
Hank Evans: What the hell are you still doing here?
Charlie Baileygates: You can't just throw me away, Hank, we're in this together.
Jamaal: My daddy ain't killed nobody, and he sure as shit ain't kidnapped no skinny-ass bitch!
Narrator: It's funny how a man reacts when his heart has been broken. Some men break down and cry like a baby. And some others take an uzi and climb a clock tower.
