Don't play dead with a vulture. That's exactly what they want.
I learned how to draw from being bored in school. I would doodle on the margins of my paper.
It is a great rush to come up with a joke that gets a good response from the audience. It's gold!
I play a lot of sports. I'm not real good at any of them. I'm above adequate.
When I first began doing TV pilots, my expectations were high. I didn't understand that world. So when 'Weeds' took off, I was so happy. Especially as I was just a guest star in the pilot. But once it got picked up, they made me a regular cast member.
I am whelmed, and not overly whelmed, just whelmed about a lot of facets in life - just how fragile life is and the different challenges you have in life, phobias about things.
A lot of baby boomers are baby bongers.
I met Adam Sandler through 'Saturday Night Live,' and we became friends.
I worked for a temp agency called Manpower.
Never wear a red t-shirt to Target. I enjoy helping people, but not every two minutes.
I have a wandering eye and a lazy eye so they cancel each other out. It's a push.
I was 5-foot-8 when I graduated high school, but then I shot up to 6-foot-4 and got more into playing basketball.
Every homeless puppy and kitten was born to parents who weren't spayed or neutered. I'm proud to support PETA's work to prevent animal homelessness.
When a show has been on for so long, you lose fans, you gain fans. I remember this from 'Saturday Night Live.'
You don't want to throw out a good idea and have nobody get excited about it. It takes the wind out of your sails.
If you want a transcript of tonight's program, get a pen and write down everything I said.
I think people really appreciate clever commercials, as do I. I think they're very entertaining. You just have to wade through all the garbage. That's one of the reasons people watch the Super Bowl. A lot of them watch it to see the commercials and not the actual game.
I really like to read when I'm eating - 'The New York Times' or the 'Wall Street Journal,' paper version.
The thing is when I started doing standup, you had to have a clean act because that's how you got on television. There weren't all these cable shows. Also, I didn't want to have that kind of act in case my family came to see me or my kid one day.
All I ever wanted to do was stand-up. It kind of charges me and gives me a rush.
