There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!
We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea.
If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don't have a regime.
Here's the point - you're looking at affirmative action, and you're looking at marijuana. You legalize marijuana, no need for quotas, because really, who's gonna wanna work?
You just have to keep trying to do good work, and hope that it leads to more good work. I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work, and be proud that I tried everything. Yes, I want to look back and know that I was terrible at a variety of things.
If the events of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, but they can't take away what makes us American - our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that.
I don't care about wealth. What seems to be upsetting is institutionalizing the advantages that wealth gives you.
I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.
I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.
I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.
A joke is a joke. There's an expression - I don't know if you have it - that's 'adding insult to injury.'
I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.
Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.
McVeigh's lawyer got him the death penalty, which, quite frankly, I could have done.
Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.
President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader.
I can be in 20 movies. But I'll never be an actor.
