Johnny English
Johnny English

Pegasus: It's an unmitigated disaster, English.
Johnny English: I couldn't agree more, sir.
Pegasus: Well, we need to get these jewels back, English, and fast. Now tell me about this assailant. Because when they searched the room later, there was no sign of him.
Johnny English: Well, the man was clearly a

professional. He must have escaped while the Queen was being sedated.
Pegasus: But he's the only lead we've got, English. We have to find him. Now, come in. This is - This is Roger from Data Support. Please sit down. He'll produce a likeness based on your description. So tell us, what did this man look like?
Johnny English: Um... Well... He was...

big.
Roger: Hair colour?
Johnny English: [He looks round the room and spots a bowl of fruit] Um... orange.
Pegasus: Orange?
Johnny English: Mmm. And curly. Well, frizzy, actually. Frizzy sort of thing.
Roger: Frizzy.
Johnny English: An eye patch. Broken

nose. Very few teeth. Two, I would say at the most. And a scar on his cheek in the shape... of a banana.
Roger: Which cheek?
Johnny English: Both cheeks. They sort of met in the middle.
Pegasus: Are you sure about this, English?
[Pegasus shows him what Roger has done on his computer of the assailant Johnny had described

and he gasps]
Johnny English: Oh, yes, that's him. An uncanny resemblance. Why, it's just as if he's in the room with us.

Johnny English
Johnny English

Pegasus: English, we can't afford any mistakes. Not tonight.
Johnny English: The word "mistake", Sir, is not one that appears in my dictionary.

Johnny English
Johnny English

Johnny English: My God, what have they done to you?
Elderly Man: They've taken some of my blood.
Johnny English: The bastards.

Johnny English
Johnny English

Official at Funeral: Everything in order, English?
Johnny English: I think you'll find it's rather more than just in order, Sir. You are now entering the most secure location in the whole of England.
[a bomb explodes in the distance, killing all the British agents]

Johnny English
Johnny English

[Bough and Johnny fall down a large hole]
Bough: Are you all right, sir?
Johnny English: Yes, I landed on something quite soft.
Bough: That was me, sir.
Johnny English: Ah. Good.

Johnny English
Johnny English

[in a sushi bar, the waiter brings glasses of saké; English and Campbell toast each other]
Lorna Campbell: [in Japanese] Cheers.
Johnny English: [in Japanese] May all your daughters be born with three bottoms.

Johnny English
Johnny English

[Lorna sees Sauvage the Frenchman standing just behind English, who thinks that he's just another waiter in the party, not knowing that it's truly Sauvage, who also listens to everything they say]
Lorna Campbell: You obviously haven't met our host, Monsieur Savage.
Johnny English: No, thank God! You know, I think I'd rather have my bottom impaled on

a giant cactus than exchange pleasantries with that jumped-up Frenchman. As far as I'm concerned, the only thing the French should be allowed to host is an invasion.
[English chuckles, then attemps to take a drink out of his glass, but just then notices Sauvage standing right behind him, not realizing that it's actually him instead of just one of the waiters, and that he has just heard

English's insult]
Johnny English: [looking over at him] Sorry, can I help?
Pascal Sauvage: [into English's face] Pascal Sauvage.
[Sauvage reaches out to shake Lorna's hand]
Pascal Sauvage: The jumped-up Frenchman.
Lorna Campbell: Lorna Campbell. I've been so looking forward to meeting you.

Pascal Sauvage: Enchanté.
[English is now looking dumbstruck and stammering in embarrassment]
Pascal Sauvage: Of course, you are Johnny English. I've heard all about you. And between you and me, I'm not so keen on the French myself.

Johnny English
Johnny English

Pegasus' Secretary: There are some items you need to sign before your briefing. Here is your new retinal ID card. And this is your Level 9 security clearance. Sign and date, please.
[the secretary hands English a pen, but he puts it down and picks up another, gold-plated pen, pointing it towards the secretary]
Johnny English: Ah, reminds me of the

old service-issue ballpoint. I remember every agent would carry a pen that looked just like this. Completely innocent to the untrained eye, but click it twice...
[there is a muffled explosion from the pen and the secretary collapses on the floor]

Johnny English
Johnny English

[Johnny and Bough are in a dark tunnel]
Johnny English: It may be pitch black, but we can still see.
Bough: Can we, sir? How?
Johnny English: The Bedouin monks of the Al Maghreb mountains developed a system of sonic chanting.
Bough: I see, sir.
Johnny English: The sound of their

chanting would bounce back off any obstacles, and using their highly tuned ears they could paint a mental picture of the path ahead.
Bough: Brilliant, sir.
Johnny English: However, you must always sing in E-flat.
Johnny English: [singing] E-flat, E-flat, E-flat... Thank you for the music / The songs I'm singing

Bough: Is it working, sir?
Johnny English: Extremely well, thank you, Bough.
Johnny English: [singing] Thanks for all the joy that...
[Johnny hits the tunnel wall]
Johnny English: Ow!

Johnny English
Johnny English

Pascal Sauvage: [ranting] All this stupid little country has to do is stand in line and do what it is told for one miserable day, but can it do that?
[Sauvage bends over and points his bottom at the audience]
Pascal Sauvage: [ranting] My fragrant French arse it can't!

Johnny English
Johnny English

Lorna Campbell: What are you going to do? Sit in this grotty flat feeling sorry for yourself, or are you going to get out there and save your country?
Johnny English: ...I'm going to sit in the flat.

Johnny English
Johnny English

Johnny English: Look pull yourself together, it's only a bit of poo.

Johnny English
Johnny English

[English is whistling a note that is gradually rising in pitch, to find the resonant frequency which will unlock the door of the prison cell. Suddenly the whistle goes silent]
Lorna Campbell: I can't hear anything.
Johnny English: I'm into ultrasonic.

Johnny English
Johnny English

Johnny English: Do you or do you not have tattooed on your bottom the words "Jesus is coming, look busy"?
Archbishop of Canterbury: Are you insane?
Johnny English: Well, let's find out, shall we?
[He lifts up the Archbishop's vestments and pulls his pants down, only to reveal that he does not have the tattoo]

Johnny English
Johnny English

Bough: Are you coming over here in a minute, sir?

Johnny English
Johnny English

Johnny English: Not so fast Savauge! You may have taken me but you will never take England! Not as long as I have breath in my body or a bullet in my gun!
[English pulls the trigger and human feces pops out]

Johnny English
Johnny English

Newscaster: Pascal is accused of treason, and if convicted faces the death penalty. He says in that eventuality he would like to donate his brain to the study of the causes of hypomanic schizophrenia.

Johnny English
Johnny English

Carlos Vendetta: That's a letter of abdication renouncing your claims to the throne and the claims of your entire family. Sign it.
[the Queen reads the abdication sign and puts her pen down]
Queen: Never.
[Vendetta picks up the Queen's dog and threatens to shoot it. The Queen solemnly signs the abdication note]

Johnny English
Johnny English

Archbishop of Canterbury: And do you, the chosen Bishops of England, Wales and Scotland, assent to this anointment?
Scottish Bishop: For Scotland I do.
Welsh Bishop: For Wales I do.
Johnny English: For England
[Pulls off bishop's clothing]
Johnny English: *I do not*!

Johnny English
Johnny English

Johnny English: Are you here in some professional capacity?
Lorna Campbell: I work in the restoration of the jewels.
Johnny English: Intriguing.
Lorna Campbell: And yourself?
Johnny English: [Chuckles] If I told you that, I'm afraid I'd have to kill you.
Lorna

Campbell: I'd like to see you try.