[first lines]
SETI Chief: [answering telephone] If this isn't an insanely beautiful woman, I'm hangin' up.
SETI technician: Sir, I - I- I think you should listen to this.
Captain Steven Hiller: [Anxious about receiving an envelope from NASA] Ohhh, you're gonna have to do this one...
Capt. Jimmy Wilder: You're a wuss.
Captain Steven Hiller: Yeah, whatever, just shut up and read it.
Capt. Jimmy Wilder: [reading] TO: Captain Steven Hiller, Loser...
Julius Levinson: If I had known I was gonna meet the president, I would've worn a tie. I mean, look at me. I look like a schlemiel.
Gen. Gray: [indicating the glass panel in front of the alien, who has taken control of President Whitmore's mind] Is that glass bulletproof?
Major Mitchell: No, Sir!
[pull out their guns and starts blasting the alien through the glass]
David Levinson: [holding cigar] It's funny, I always thought these things were gonna kill me.
Philip: This could be our last night on Earth. You don't want to die a virgin, do you?
Captain Steven Hiller: Look, I really don't think they flew 90 billion light years to come down here and start a fight. Get all rowdy.
Julius Levinson: David! What the hell are you doing?
David Levinson: Making a mess!
Julius Levinson: Yes, this I can see.
Dr. Okun: [before showing the aliens to the President Whitmore] This is the vault. Or as some of us like to call it: The Freak Show.
[deleted scene]
Dr. Okun: [showing David the inside of the captured alien ship] This is connected...
[accidentally breaks something]
Dr. Okun: was... connected to the engine.
Captain Steven Hiller: [an alien ship is firing at him] Oh no, you did NOT shoot that green shit at me!
Julius Levinson: [pointing to David's cigar] Oh, so *this* is healthy?
David Levinson: I could get used to it!
Patricia Whitmore: [speaking to her mother on the telephone] Daddy let me watch Letterman.
President Thomas Whitmore: Traitor.
Jasmine Dubrow: There you go, thinking you're all that. But you are not as charming as you think you are, sir.
Captain Steven Hiller: Yes, I am.
Marty Gilbert: [seeing the approaching explosion] Oh, crap.
Captain Steven Hiller: [holds out cigar] This is our victory dance. Not until the fat lady sings.
David Levinson: Oh. Yes, OK.
[takes cigar]
Captain Steven Hiller: [holds onto cigar] This is important.
David Levinson: Mm. Fat lady. I gotcha.
Capt. Jimmy Wilder: Man, you know I really like Jasmine. You know that, right? Man, you are never gonna get to fly the space shuttle if you marry a stripper.
