Kathy O'Hara: Eddie's the only fella in town who doesn't pass judgment on people.
Edward D. Wood, Jr.: That's right. If I did, I wouldn't have any friends.
Edward D. Wood, Jr.: I like to dress in women's clothing.
Georgie Weiss: You're a fruit?
Edward D. Wood, Jr.: No, not at all. I love women. Wearing their clothes makes me feel closer to them.
Georgie Weiss: You're not a fruit?
Edward D. Wood, Jr.: No, I'm all man. I even fought in
W.W.2. Of course, I was wearing women's undergarments under my uniform.
[on the reason for the success of 'Dracula(1931)']
Bela Lugosi: They were mythic. They had a poetry to them.
Edward D. Wood, Jr.: Yes.
Bela Lugosi: And you know what else? The women... the women preferred the traditional monsters.
Edward D. Wood, Jr.: The women? Huh?
Bela Lugosi:
The pure horror, it both repels, and attracts them, because in their collective unconsiousness, they have the agony of childbirth. The blood. The blood is horror.
Edward D. Wood, Jr.: You know, I never thought of that.
Bela Lugosi: Take my word for it. If you want to make out with a young lady, take her to see "Dracula".
Criswell: [First lines] Greetings, my friends! You are interested in the unknown. The mysterious. The unexplainable. That is why you are here. And now, for the first time, we are bringing you the full story of what happened. We are giving you all the evidence based only on the secret testimony of the miserable souls who survived this terrifying ordeal. The incidents, places. My
friends, we cannot keep this a secret any longer. Can your heart stand the shocking facts of the true story of Edward D. Wood Jr.?
[repeated line]
Edward D. Wood, Jr.: Cut! That was perfect!
Edward D. Wood, Jr.: Boy, Mr. Lugosi, you must lead such an exciting life! When is your next picture coming out?
Bela Lugosi: I have no next picture.
Edward D. Wood, Jr.: You gotta be joking, a great star like you? You must have dozens of them lined up!
Bela Lugosi: Back in the old days, yes... Now, no one
gives two fucks for Bela.
Edward D. Wood, Jr.: But you're a big star!
Bela Lugosi: No more. I haven't worked in four years. This business, this town, it chews you up, then spits you out.
[pauses]
Bela Lugosi: I'm just an ex-boogeyman.
Ed Reynolds: [referring to Tor Johnson] Why did you give HIM all the dialog? He is unintelligible!
Edward D. Wood, Jr.: Look, Bela's dead and Vampira won't talk. I had to give somebody the dialog!
[Bela Lugosi answers the door on Halloween night wearing his Dracula costume]
Children: Trick or treat!
[At the sight of Dracula, all but one little boy scream and run away]
Bela Lugosi: Aren't you scared, little boy? I'm going to drink your blood!
Trick-or-Treating Kid: You're not a real vampire. Those teeth don't frighten me.
[Bela looks puzzled. Ed Wood appears next to him in the doorway]
Edward D. Wood, Jr.: How 'bout these?
[Pulls out his entire row of front teeth]
Edward D. Wood, Jr.: [Little boy screams and runs away]
Bela Lugosi: Hey... How d'you do that?
Edward D. Wood, Jr.: Dentures!
[Holds them up]
Edward D. Wood, Jr.: Lost my pearlies in the war!
Georgie Weiss: So, what was the important news you couldn't tell me on the phone, again?
Edward D. Wood, Jr.: Well, I started thinking about what you were saying about how your movies need to make a profit. Now, what is the one thing, if you put it in a movie, it'll be successful?
Georgie Weiss: Tits.
Edward D. Wood,
Jr.: No, better than that. A star.
Georgie Weiss: Kid, you must have me confused with David Selznick. I don't make major motion pictures; I make crap.
Edward D. Wood, Jr.: Yes, but if you take that crap and put a star in it, then you've got something.
Georgie Weiss: Yeah. Crap with a star.
Ed Reynolds: Before we start shooting, Mr. Wood, we have a few questions.
Reverend Lemon: Yes. The script contains numerous references to graverobbing. Now we find the concept of digging up consecrated ground to be highly offensive. It is blasphemy.
Edward D. Wood, Jr.: What are you talking about, it's the premise of the movie. It's
the title of the movie for Christ sakes.
Reverend Lemon: But Mr. Wood!
Ed Reynolds: Yes, about that title. It strikes us as very inflammatory. Why don't we change it to Plan 9 from Outer Space.
Edward D. Wood, Jr.: Huh. That's ridiculous.