Dumb and Dumber Quotes

Lloyd Christmas: What the hell are we doing here, Harry? We gotta get out of this town!
Harry Dunne: Oh yeah, and go where? Where are we gonna go?
Lloyd Christmas: I'll tell you where. Someplace warm. A place where the beer flows like wine. Where beautiful women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano. I'm talking about a

little place called Aspen.
Harry Dunne: Oh, I don't know, Lloyd. The French are assholes.

Harry Dunne: Where's the booze?
Lloyd Christmas: I got robbed by a sweet old lady on a motorized cart. I didn't even see it coming.
Harry Dunne: Oh, no, no.
Lloyd Christmas: Come on, Harry.
Harry Dunne: It gets worse. My parakeet, Petey.
Lloyd Christmas: Yeah?

Harry Dunne: He's dead.
Lloyd Christmas: Oh, man, I'm sorry. What happened?
Harry Dunne: His head fell off.
Lloyd Christmas: His head fell off?
Harry Dunne: Yeah. He was pretty old.

State Trooper: [Harry is driving fast and a cop is behind him and Lloyd] Pull over!
Harry Dunne: What?
State Trooper: Pull over!
Harry Dunne: [realizes he's holding beer bottles that Lloyd urinated in; shows his sweater] No, it's a cardigan, but thanks for noticin'!
Lloyd Christmas:

Yeah, killer boots, man!
State Trooper: Pull your vehicle to the side of the road! License and registration, please. You fellas were going a little fast back there, wouldn't you say? You fellas been doing a bit of boozin', have ya? Suckin back on grandpa's old cough medicine?
Harry Dunne: No, sir.
Lloyd Christmas: No.

State Trooper: [points to the beer bottles] Yeah, well what's that?
Harry Dunne: That's nothing, sir.
Lloyd Christmas: Yeah, nothing.
State Trooper: Yeah, well are you aware that it's against the law to have an open alcohol container here in the state of Pennsylvania? Come on, give me that booze, you little

pumpkin pie, hair-cutted freak, come on!
[Harry complies; the cop prepares to drink it, not knowing that Lloyd peed in it]
Harry Dunne: Sir, no! Wait, wait, wait!
Lloyd Christmas: No, sir, don't!
State Trooper: You keep your mouth shut if you know it's good for ya, buddy!
[takes a swig, only to realize he just

drank urine]
Lloyd Christmas: Tic-Tac, sir?
State Trooper: Get the hell out of here!
[on the verge of gagging]

Harry Dunne: [shivering] I can't feel my f-fingers anymore, Lloyd. They're-they're numb!
Lloyd Christmas: Maybe you should wear these extra gloves.
Lloyd Christmas: [takes off gloves over another pair of gloves] My hands are starting to get sweaty.
Harry Dunne: Extra gloves? You've had this pair of extra

gloves this whole time?
Lloyd Christmas: [obliviously] Yeah, we're in the Rockies!
Harry Dunne: I'm gonna kill you.

Harry Dunne: That was genius, Lloyd, sheer genius. I mean where did you come up with a scam like that?
Lloyd Christmas: Saw it in a movie once.
Harry Dunne: That's incredible! So what happened, so the guy tricks some sucker into picking up his tab and gets away with it scott free?
Lloyd Christmas: No, in the

movie, they catch up to him half mile down the road and slit his throat!
Harry Dunne: [Stares at Lloyd in disbelief. The speed of the engine increases]
Lloyd Christmas: Ha ha ha! It was a good one.

Lloyd Christmas: I want to ask you a question, straight out, flat out, and I want you to give me the honest answer. What do you think the chances are of a guy like you and a girl like me ending up together?
Mary Swanson: Well Lloyd, that's difficult to say. We really don't...
Lloyd Christmas: Hit me with it! Just give it to me

straight! I came a long way just to see you Mary, just... The least you can do is level with me. What are my chances?
Mary Swanson: Not good.
[the background soundtrack music suddenly stops]
Lloyd Christmas: [he gulps, his mouth twitching] You mean, not good like one out of a hundred?
Mary Swanson: I'd say more like one

out of a million.
Lloyd Christmas: [long pause while he processes what he's heard] So you're telling me there's a chance. YEAH!

Harry Dunne: Where did you get those?
Lloyd Christmas: I bought them when we filled up.
Harry Dunne: We are supposed to talk about all expenditures Lloyd! We are on a very tight budget.
Lloyd Christmas: This didn't come out of our travel fund.
Harry Dunne: Oh.
Lloyd

Christmas: Yeah, I was able to raise 25 extra bucks before we left.
Harry Dunne: Where did you get 25 extra becks?
Lloyd Christmas: I sold some stuff, to Billy in 4C.
Harry Dunne: The blind kid?
Lloyd Christmas: Yeah! Ha ha!
[Suddenly feels ashamed]
Lloyd

Christmas: Yeah.
Harry Dunne: What did you sell him Lloyd?
Lloyd Christmas: Stuff.
Harry Dunne: What kinda stuff?
Lloyd Christmas: I don't know, stuff. A few baseball cards, a sack of marbles,
[cough]
Lloyd Christmas: Petey.
Harry Dunne:

Petey? You sold my dead bird to a blind kid? Lloyd! Petey didn't even have a head!
Lloyd Christmas: Harry, I took care of it...
[cuts to shot of Billy's hands stroking the stiff bird with it's head wrapped in scotch tape]
Billy: Pretty bird. Yes, can you say pretty bird? Pretty bird, yeah pretty bird... Polly want a cracker?

Harry Dunne: What's with the briefcase?
Lloyd Christmas: It's a love memento. The most beautiful woman alive. I drove her to the airport. Sparks flew. Emotions ran high. She actually talked to me, man.
Harry Dunne: [flabbergasted] Get outta here.
Lloyd Christmas: Oh, yeah. Tractor beam.
Lloyd

Christmas: [imitates beam noise]
Lloyd Christmas: Sucked me right in. Anyway, she left this in the terminal and flew to Aspen and outta my life.
Harry Dunne: What's in it?
Lloyd Christmas: Man. I would have to be a lowlife to go routin' around in somebody else's private property.
Harry Dunne:

Is it locked?
Lloyd Christmas: Yeah, really well.

Lloyd Christmas: I'm only human, Harry! Come on! Stop being a baby. So we backtracked a tad.
Harry Dunne: A tad? A tad, Lloyd? You drove almost a sixth of the way across the country in the wrong direction! Now we don't have enough money to get to Aspen, we don't have enough money to get home, we don't have enough money to eat, we don't have enough money to

sleep!
Lloyd Christmas: Well, it's not gonna do us any good sitting here whining about it. We're in a hole. We're just going to have to dig ourselves out.

Lloyd Christmas: This isn't my real job, you know.
Mary Swanson: No?
Lloyd Christmas: Nope. My friend Harry and I are saving up to open our own pet store.
Mary Swanson: That's nice.
Lloyd Christmas: I got worms!
Mary Swanson: I beg your pardon?

Lloyd Christmas: That's what we're gonna call it. "I Got Worms!" We're gonna specialize in selling worm farms. You know, like ant farms.