Phil Foster: You put *your* junk in reverse!
Phil Foster: Arf, they're locked. You locked that one too. Good call. I would've done that.
Holbrooke: [about Natanya] I met her in Tel Aviv, doing some consulting for the Mossad. She is a sweet girl.
Phil Foster: She seems really sweet. That was very nice of her to ask us to have sex.
Whippit: I'm Whippit.
Claire Foster: Whippit, like the dog?
Whippit: No. Like when you suck nitrous out of a whipped cream can.
Claire Foster: Okay. Okay.
Whippit: Stupid skank.
Claire Foster: Oh, my God. Do you have any contact with your mother at all?
Phil Foster: Oh my God! The bald and crazy gay couple date. Shit my pants, we forgot our gay couple dinner.
Brad Sullivan: I thought everything was fine, really. But you know what? We are stuck in these roles together and we can't break out of them, you know? It's like that Asian dude in "Sixteen Candles", Long Dik Dog.
Phil Foster: Long Duk Dong.
Brad Sullivan: Long Duk Dong. That dude!
Claire Foster: That's amazing, Jeremy, but I'm gonna go home now and fart into a shoe box.
Haley Sullivan: And he knows that if I have five glasses of wine, I'm gonna try to make out with a black guy.
Claire Foster: You're still doing that, huh?
Haley Sullivan: Yes!
Claire Foster: If I'm gonna get whacked off, I at least deserve to understand why it's happening... What are you smiling about?
Phil Foster: Honey, we're not going to get whacked off. We may get bumped off, or we may get whacked.
Claire Foster: Why is it so bright out here? It's supposed to be dark and seedy. Give a 40 year old stripper-slash-mom a break.
Claire Foster: That's Will.i.am, from Fergie.
Detective Arroyo: Mr. Miletto, Mr. District Attorney, you two are under arrest for conspiracy, obstruction of justice, racketeering,
[to Crenshaw]
Detective Arroyo: I'm pretty sure prostitution, and a few other goodies I'll find on this.
Detective Arroyo: [to the cops] Get them out of here!
Phil Foster: [running holding a boat over their heads] We are going to die!
Claire Foster: I don't want the kids to live with your mother!
Phil Foster: What?
Claire Foster: She's awful!
Armstrong: [as he's getting arrested] I'm a cop!
Police Officer: Not anymore, you're not!
[last lines]
Phil Foster: I'd do it again you know?
Claire Foster: What, tonight? No, it was very dangerous.
Phil Foster: No, not tonight. Us. You, me, the kids, all of it. I'd do it again. I'd choose you every time.
Phil Foster: But you guys are happy!
Brad Sullivan: No, Phil, we're not.
Phil Foster: No, no. No, you guys are *really* happy!
Brad Sullivan: No, Phil, we're really not.
Phil Foster: Just in case, I'm gonna give you 5$, even though I know it's a scam. And I only have 20, so I'm gonna give that to you, even though it should be a 5. Scam.
Claire Foster: They had no idea who they were dealing with.
[first lines]
Oliver Foster: [early morning] Dad? Mom? Can I have breakfast?
Phil Foster: Honey, don't move.
Charlotte Foster: [running in] Mommy! Daddy! Pile driver!
[jumps on mom]
Charlotte Foster: I love you!
Claire Foster: How do you have so many knees?
Phil Foster: No, no, no, no, no. I can't do this.
Claire Foster: Yeah, you can. Because you are a beautiful and amazing man, and the father of my children, and you are gonna get in there and work that pole like a runaway.
Haley Sullivan: And I wanna get it on with three guys at the same time, 'cause I can!
Claire Foster: Three guys at once? That's a nightmare. That is literally a recurring stress dream that I have. I can only think of jobs for two. Oh, no, I got it.
Haley Sullivan: Yeah, there's that one.
