Hannah: Will you take off your shirt... fuck! Seriously? It's like you're Photoshopped!
Cal: How about we say what we want on three? One, two, three.
Emily: I want a divorce.
Cal: [at the same time] Creme brulee.
Cal: I have loved her even when I hated her... only married couples'll understand that one...
Jacob: Are you the billionaire owner of Apple Computers?
Cal: No.
Jacob: Oh, ok. In that case, you've got no right to wear New Balance sneakers, ever.
Hannah: [after kissing him passionately] Do you remember me?
Jacob: [fazed by the kiss] Yeah.
Hannah: Do you still find me attractive?
Jacob: Yes.
Hannah: Do you still want to take me home?
Jacob: Yeah.
Hannah: Let's go.
Cal: I will never stop trying. Because when you find the one... you never give up.
Jacob: Let's talk about how many women you've been with.
Cal: Sexually?
Jacob: Yeah, no. I mean break-dance fighting.
Liz: Your life is so PG-13.
Cal: Who told you that Emily and I are getting divorced?
Cal's Boss: Amy heard you crying in the bathroom - we all thought it was cancer.
Cal: Oh...
Cal's Boss: Thank God, man... *laughing*
Cal: Yeah, just my relationship...
Jacob: The war between the sexes is over. We won the second women started doing pole dancing for exercise.
Hannah: I'm here to bang the hot guy who hit on me at the bar.
Jacob: Jacob.
Hannah: Jacob! Sorry, Jacob...
Jacob: Do people still say "bang"?
Hannah: I do. And we're gonna bang!
Robbie: You wanna talk about The Scarlet Letter, Ms. Tafferty? All right. Well, the A they're both wearing - I think it stands for "asshole." Wanna know why? Because they fell in love and love is for stupid assholes. And this book is just about a bunch of assholes who fell in love, like assholes, then had to die, like assholes. I'm sorry about all the "assholes."
Kate: Tell her she's the perfect combination of sexy and cute, asshole!
Jacob: I'm going to help you rediscover your manhood. Do you have any idea where you could have lost it?
Cal: I'm so mad at you. I'm really mad at you for what you did. But I'm mad at myself too. Because I should not have jumped out of that car - I should have fought for you. Because you fight for your soul mates.
Emily: I miss you.
Bernie Riley: Claire said I can't be friends with you anymore.
Cal: What?
Bernie Riley: She said we had to choose between you and Emily. I chose you. But she said no.
Jacob: I don't know whether to help you or euthanize you.
Emily: When I told you when I had to work late? I really went to go see the new Twilight movie by myself, and it was so bad.
