117 Clerks II Quotes (2024) #3

Clerks II

Randal Graves: You swung at me!
Dante Hicks: You ducked.
Randal Graves: Because you swung at me!

Clerks II

Jay: [after Silent Bob hands Jay a Redbull, Jay drinks it and kicks it in the air] Get the FUCK outta here!

Clerks II

Randal Graves: [to Dante] You're my best friend, and I love you... In a totally heterosexual way.
Jay: [to Silent Bob] Yeah, right.

Clerks II

Sexy Stud: [as the cops pull up] Oh, shit! Not again! Gotta finish!

Clerks II

Randal Graves: Ladies and gentlemen, and you, Elias! Straight from the debauchery capital of the world, Tijuana Mexico!
Dante Hicks: Oh, God, no.
Randal Graves: Oh, God, yes!
[snaps his fingers and an incredibly elaborate lighting set-up is activated]

Clerks II

Randal Graves: What's the point in having an Internet connection if you're not using it to look up weird, fucked-up pictures of dirty sex you'll never have yourself?

Clerks II

Dante Hicks: [about Becky] No, we had sex one night after work a few weeks ago.
Randal Graves: What? Where?
Dante Hicks: Here, on the prep station table.
Randal Graves: Ew, that's my prep table.

#Hicks

Clerks II

Randal Graves: If Peter Jackson really wanted to blow me away with those "Rings" movies, he would have ended the third one on the logical closure point, not the 25 endings that followed.

Clerks II

Randal Graves: Even the fuckin' trees walked in those movies.

Clerks II

Randal Graves: I'd buy the Quick Stop and reopen it myself. That's what I'd do. That's what we should do.

Clerks II

Randal Graves: [getting Gawking Guy's attention from watching Dante and Emma make out behind the counter] Avert your eyes, ya' perv!
Gawking Guy: Not very hygienic. That's all I'm gonna tell you.

Clerks II

Randal Graves: You're gonna be rolling in the pussy, man!
Elias: Don't be gross!
Randal Graves: Says the guy who was just playing tonsil hockey with his mother.

Clerks II

Dante Hicks: I need two Egg-A-Moofins and we're almost out of hash browns.
Randal Graves: [On the computer] Hold on.
Dante Hicks: [Through the P.A. microphone] Now, Randal!
[Randal finishes typing something and hops back over the counter into the kitchen]
Dante Hicks: What were you writing over there

anyway, your memoirs?
Randal Graves: I'm battling this jackass on his blog's message board.
Dante Hicks: About what?
Randal Graves: About how he's got too much free time and no life.
Dante Hicks: So does the guy who's flaming him on his website
Randal Graves: I can't help it, the

guy pisses me off. It's this fuck in a wheelchair that's always preying on everyone's sympathies, writing these long diatribes about how he'll never walk again, and how walkers should appreciate the blessings of their functioning legs.
Dante Hicks: That 'diatribes' you call it sounds like some poor, crippled guy pouring out his heart and feelings!
Randal

Graves: Oh, fuck him, man! Trying to guilt me into walking around more because *he's* all gimped out? Kind of mindfuck is that shit? So I've been getting into it with him, throwing it right back in his stupid crippie-boy face about how I love to just sit around, and how I'd rather drive to the end of the block than walk!
Dante Hicks: The guy's in a wheelchair.

Randal Graves: Yeah. That's why I called him "crippie-boy."

Clerks II

Randal Graves: The best part of this job is all the barely legal pussy that comes in here. And they all look up to me 'cause I've got a driver's license. It's awesome.

Clerks II

Randal Graves: Emma, are you like this 'cause you have an unnaturally large clit?
Emma: You just *had* to tell him, didn't ya?
Dante Hicks: It kinda came out one day!
Randal Graves: He says it's so big it's almost like a little cock, which says all kinds of weird things about him that I don't even wanna think

about.

Clerks II

Randal Graves: [to Emma] You became persona non-nookie to me the minute he started diddling your pooter.
Emma: So thinking of me in terms of being a girl kind of creeps you out, does it?
Randal Graves: Sweetheart, I don't think of you in terms of being a girl, I don't think of you in any way...
[Emma lifts up her shirt]

Randal Graves: Oh, that was just *wrong*.
Emma: If you don't get the fuck out of here so that I can spend some quality time with my man, next I'm gonna show you my pooter.
Randal Graves: Why would you wanna do something like that?
[Emma unbuckles her belt]
Randal Graves: Alright, alright, I'm leaving!

Clerks II

Elias: [removing a smoking black basket of fries] I don't think these look right.
Randal Graves: Jesus! Step away from the fryer before you burn us all alive!
Elias: It's not my fault you abandoned your post!
Randal Graves: Was it too much to ask that you handle the fries? The machine does all the work! What's

a machine gotta transform into some giant fuckin' robot before you'll take it seriously? Go home!

Clerks II

Elias: That's bestiality, Randal!
Randal Graves: At its finest, I hope.
Elias: Who would want to see something like that?
Randal Graves: Me, Dante, *you*.
Elias: I don't wanna see something like that! Why would you wanna see something like that?
Randal Graves:

Because it's fucked up! And, I wanna see if a chick with a mouth full of donkey spunk swallows. Alright, here we go. Kinky Kelly and the Sexy Stud. Straight from their dirty debut in Tijuana, Kelly's taking it on the road. Taking it in the ass, that is. You gotta give it up for Oscar Wilde-like wordplay that good.
Elias: Do they show pictures?
Randal

Graves: Only one of Kinky Kelly sucking off Optimus Prime.
Elias: Really?
[Randal hits Elias]
Elias: Ow.
Randal Graves: Lemme borrow your cell phone.
Elias: [nervously] Oh... 'Cause I'm only supposed to use it to call my parents in case of an emergency.
Randal

Graves: This is an emergency. We gotta lock up Kinky Kelly for tonight so we can give Mr. Dante a memorable send off. You love Mr. Dante, don'tcha?
Elias: In a non-gay way.

Clerks II

Randal Graves: Seventeen year olds nowadays are crazy. They're up for anything. They even like it when you go ass to mouth.
Dante Hicks: Oh, my God.
Randal Graves: What?
Dante Hicks: Are you serious?
Randal Graves: I don't fuck around when it comes to ass to mouth.
Dante