Californication Quotes

Lloyd Alan Philips Jr.: You seem to be in pretty good shape. Where do you work out? You do the steps?
Hank Moody: The steps?
Lloyd Alan Philips Jr.: In Santa Monica. It's quite a scene; lots of lovely ladies. You can really make a day out of it.
Hank Moody: Yeah... yeah...
[looks around aimlessly]

Lloyd Alan Philips Jr.: What's up? Need something?
Hank Moody: No, I'm just thinking... if I wanted to hang myself, do you think this chandelier here will support my weight? About 175, 180.
Lloyd Alan Philips Jr.: Got an interesting sense of humor, Hank.
Hank Moody: That's what they tell me, Lloyd Alan

Philips Jr.

Felicia Koons: That was some very intense and powerful lovemaking.
[Hank pulls back]
Felicia Koons: What's wrong?
Hank Moody: Not a big fan of that term, lovemaking, making love. I prefer boning, stuffing, shtupping, banging, porking, boffing, anything. Take your pick. Just not lovemaking.
Felicia

Koons: So much for the afterglow.

Jill Robinson: Okay, I've been doing some thinking.
Hank Moody: Oh, you mean some overthinking!
Jill Robinson: You...
Hank Moody: Yes?
Jill Robinson: I accept you.
Hank Moody: What?
Jill Robinson: Haha, no, I accept you for who you are.

Hank Moody: Oh, you accept me. Thanks, I guess.
Jill Robinson: You're not listening, stupid!
Hank Moody: I'm listening!
Jill Robinson: I accept you for who you are! I don't wanna change you. I...
[Hank dodges Jill and prepares coffee]
Jill Robinson: I think we work well

together, you know? Kid or no kid, snip or no snip, I wanna be with you. I think I spent years idolizing...
Hank Moody: Sure you don't want some coffee?
Jill Robinson: No. I think I was in love with the idea of love, you know?
Hank Moody: Tea?
Jill Robinson: No, thanks. I like what we have.

Hank Moody: Are ya hungry?
Jill Robinson: No. But now I know that I'm in love with you. I'm in love with *you*, Hank Moody.
Hank Moody: [laughs uncomfortably] Aw, Jill... this... it's... what... but...
Jill Robinson: No, don't "but" me. Don't "but" me now...
[takes off coat to reveal her naked body,

Hank drops his mug and it shatters on the floor]
Hank Moody: Ho...
Jill Robinson: Yeah. Or I just might...
[turns around and shakes butt]
Jill Robinson: Butt you back!
[someone knocks on the door]
Hank Moody: FUCK!

Dean Stacy Koons: Are you in love with my wife, Hank?
Hank Moody: [pauses] That's a ridiculous question.
Dean Stacy Koons: Well, she seems to be in love with you. Do you feel the same?
Hank Moody: Feel the same...
Dean Stacy Koons: Do you love her?
[long uncomfortable pause, then

Becca and Chelsea enter the apartment]
Hank Moody: [immediately shifts attention to them] What... do we have here?
Becca Moody: What are you doing home?
Hank Moody: Uh, wha... school clothes? Is it a snow day?
Chelsea Koons: What are you guys doing here?
Dean Stacy Koons: I

believe that question should be directed at you, young lady.
Hank Moody: Copy that, motherfucker!