Californication Quotes

Hank Moody: I have a confession to make: I didn't like you very much at first. You were just this annoying little blob. You smelled nice, most of the time, but you didn't seem to have much interest in me, which I of course found vaguely insulting. It was just you and your mom against the world, funny how some things never change. So I cruised along doing my thing, acting the fool,

not really understanding how being a parent changes you. And I don't remember the exact moment everything changed, I just know that it did. One minute I was impenetrable, nothing could touch me. The next, my heart was somehow beating outside my chest, exposed to the elements. Loving you has been the most profound, intense, painful experience of my life. In fact, it's been almost too much to bare.

As your father I made a silent vow to protect you from the world, never realizing I was the one who would end up hurting you the most. When I flash forward my heart breaks, mostly because I can't imagine you speaking of me with any sort of pride. How could you? Your father is a child in a man's body. He cares for nothing and everything at the same time. Noble in thought, weak in action. Something

has to change, something has to give.

Hank Moody: [to Janie Jones] Hey, my name is Hank Moody. I'm a writer and I was doing some research...
Ron Jones: [in Hank's face] Did I say that you could talk to her?
Hank Moody: Jesus, you've got a bit of an overprotective vibe happening here.
[to Janie]
Hank Moody: I wanna ask you a question about

Lew. Lew Ashby.
Ron Jones: Hey, hey, I asked you nicely to get off my property.
Hank Moody: I don't know about nicely, motherfucker. I will leave your property when I'm good and ready... mothafuckaaa!
[turns around and trips on a bush]
Hank Moody: Who puts a fuckin' bush there?

Lloyd Alan Philips Jr.: What are you reading right now?
Hank Moody: What am I... reading?
Lloyd Alan Philips Jr.: What's on your nightstand right now?
Hank Moody: That's an interesting question. Um, bottle of Heineken, pack of smokes, The Accommodator.
Lloyd Alan Philips Jr.: The

Accommodator... like a novel?
Hank Moody: No, no, it's more like a sex toy. A dildo essentially, only you strap it to your head so that the dong part juts out from your chin. It enables you to accommodate your lady by performing oral and penetrado at the same time.
[performs visual demonstration]
Lloyd Alan Philips Jr.: Interesting.

Hank Moody: I think it's very interesting. I could hook you up.

Hank Moody: [to Becca] There's no excuse for my behavior. There's no defense if somebody got hurt, especially you. But I need you to know that I started out with the best of intentions. I guess I just wanted them all to see it - the thing that makes them special. I guess that's all anybody wants is to be seen, to be recognized. Then the lines get blurry and the fact that your mom

and I are in such a weird place... Yeah... it's a big stinkin' mess. But I am sorry if I let you down, sweetie. I don't know how much more I'm going to be able to say "I'm sorry" before it doesn't mean anything anymore.

Hank Moody: Rosario here is my amiga and she tells me that when she tried to call it quits between you two, you didn't wanna stop. Now I'm all for the...
[pounds hand three times]
Hank Moody: That's cool, I'm not one to judge. But you, the power relations are skewed here, you understand? You gotta read your Karl Marx. So I want you to respect her

shit.
Ron Jones: What are you talking about?
Hank Moody: And I don't wanna hear that she's been let go because the day I hear about that, that's the day that your old lady hears about it, comprende?
Ron Jones: Fuck you.
Hank Moody: Fuck me?
Rosario: No, fuck you, Ron.

Hank Moody: Fuck you, Ron.
Rosario: Yeah, fuck *you*, Ron.
Hank Moody: Fuck you, Ron!

Dean Stacy Koons: Hello, Hank.
Hank Moody: Good morning, Stacy.
Dean Stacy Koons: The front door was open.
Hank Moody: I can be, uh, very neighborly that way.
Dean Stacy Koons: You never called me Stacy before. I wonder why.
Hank Moody: I don't know. It kind of

just rolled trippingly off the tongue this morning.
Dean Stacy Koons: Oh, something must be different. Ah, that's right. You fucked my wife.