Nervous Woman on Plane: I have to go to the bathroom but I heard about a woman who went to the bathroom on the plane - she got sucked into the toilet. Sucked right in.
Brynn: Guess what happened to me today?
Annie: Mmm... what?
Brynn: I got a free tattoo. I could not believe it. The guy said, "do you want a tattoo?", opened up the side of his van...
Annie: Noooo...
Brynn: ...and said "it's for free!" So I said, "sure."
Rhodes: Do you want to tell a cop about it? We're just like priests except we would tell everybody afterwards.
Rita: [to her children] Hey! Shut your filthy fucking mouths!
Brynn: [describing her free tattoo] It's a Mexican drinking worm. It's like a Native American symbol meaning wasted.
Lillian: You told me not to bleach my butthole, and I did it anyway, and now I love my new bleached butthole!
Annie: [discussing puppies] How many of those did you take?
Megan: I took nine. I took nine. Yeah. I did slightly overcommit to the whole dog thing. It turns out I'm probably more comfortable with six.
Annie: [Drunk on plane, pulls open curtains to coach after getting kicked out of first class] It's called civil *rights*. This is the '90s.
Officer Nathan Rhodes: You're like the maid of dishonor.
Annie: It's a good tub. I slept there for my 30th birthday.
Lillian: This is such a stone-cold pack of weirdos, and I am so proud!
Lillian: [Has diarrhea from food poisoning and is trying to get to a bathroom] It's happening! It happened.
Rita: [Starting to feel sick from food poisoning] You know, I don't care which dress we get. I just need to get off this white carpet!
Ted: I wouldn't want to make you explain what our relationship is to all those people. That would suck for you.
Rhodes: If I wasn't a cop anymore, I would still go out with a gun and shoot people.
[first lines]
Annie: [having sex] I'm glad you called.
Ted: I'm so glad you were free.
Annie: I love your eyes.
Ted: Cup my balls.
Annie: [imitating Helen] Oh, you live in Milwaukee? Oh, I'm sorry.
