My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on.
There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.
Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.
I don't believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It's on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it's supposed to give you a parking space. It's worked so far.
Don't tell me how to do my job. I don't come to your workplace and tell you how to sweep up.
I've always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can't tell to an audience. There's a fine line you have to tread because you don't know who is out there in the auditorium. A lot of people are too easily offended.
I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.
I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be.
The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.
I don't believe in angels and I have trouble with the whole God thing. I don't want to say I don't believe in God, but I don't think I do. But I believe in people who do.
I don't understand art-speak. My pictures are big doodles. I'm amazed what people come up with when they look at them. There's one of a figure with two heads that somebody thought must be a comment on the state of matrimony. None of it is a comment on anything.
Ally MacLeod thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint.
I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there.
If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?
Behind the proscenium arch, you can't always hear what people in the audience are saying.
I loathe hecklers. I haven't got a good syllable to say. When you come out of the club circuit and into the concert hall, they should be gone. There's an element of manners that should tell you that the ticket is dear and it's a different venue.
I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days.
