Heather: [On the phone to Oz] Oz what should I do now?
Stifler: [Also on the phone pretending to be Oz] Oh Heather baby. Why don't you tell me my dick is as big as Stifler's.
Oz: Stifler get off.
Stifler: I am getting off listening to the two of you. Keep going.
Stifler: [after Finch got into Stifler's mom's car and driving off] Hey, where's shit-break?
Jim: Uh, at the movies.
Kevin: Took the bus.
Oz: Coffee.
Stifler: Wait a second... Who the fuck was in that car?
Stifler: Jim. Can't you keep your shirt on? You're scaring the chicks away.
[Stifler thinks champagne is being poured onto his head when he's actually being urinated on from the balcony]
Stifler: I can taste the bubbles.
Trumpet Kid: You suck, retard.
Jim: I'm not retarded, I'm a very special boy.
[Jim rams the kid in the face with his trombone]
Michelle: Holy Potatoes.
[talking to a picture of Stifler's Mom]
Finch: How did you do that magic you did?
Jim's Dad: Keep it real homies.
Michelle: Okay, pretend I'm a hot girl. Now what do you want to do?
Jim: I want to feel your boobs.
Michelle: No, you dingbat. You don't just go groping away. You gotta pre-heat the oven before you stick in the turkey.
Jim: This is my first time, since my first time.
[Jim's Dad sees Jim looking at pictures of Nadia]
Jim's Dad: Ah, yes. The one that got away.
Jim: Yeah.
Jim's Dad: Yeah. Well, evidently you two made quite the handsome couple on the Internet... Oh, I didn't see it. It, uh, was brought up at a P.T.A. meeting.
[Jim is kissing Michelle's collar bone]
Michelle: Good Jim. Ooh, you're making me wet.
Jim: Holy shit, really?
Michelle: No, I was just saying that so you could practice.
Jim: 'course.
Trucker: Squeeze his ass son, you'll like it.
Jim: This is good. This is good. Obviously.
Michelle: Oh! Gilligan's Island, Mr. Howell!
Jim: Eh, what?
Michelle: You've gotta control yourself and think of something non-sexual. I haven't even touched you yet and you're turning into the Sears Tower.
Stifler: How many girls did you sleep with this year?
Jessica: Wouldn't you like to know.
Stifler: Fuck yeah I would.
Stifler: Who the hell was that?
Oz: That was uh... that was...
Jim: Was someone was lost looking for the lake.
Kevin: Yeah
Oz: Yeah, turned around.
Stifler: What a dumbass, the lake's right there.
Jim: I kind of super-glued myself to... uh... myself.
