[during drive to lake]
Stifler: Oh, yeah. The Stifmeister's coming back to Grand Harbor. Deck the halls. Bye-bye, Great Falls. Wipe my ass and lick my balls. It's Stifler time, baby. Whoo-hoo-hoo. Whoo-hoo-hoo.
Jim: That counted.
Stifler: That totally counted.
Danielle: That's the way to kiss your mother.
Stifler: [to Finch] DON'T YOU SAY ANYTHING.
Stifler: Holy shit dude. I found a dildo. Dildo. Dildo. Dildo. Big blue rubber dicks for everyone. The people demand rubber dicks.
Jim: What are you doing?
Stifler: Looking for more lesbian artifacts.
[hands Jim the dildo]
Jim: Where did you get this?
Stifler: Finch's ass.
[Stifler and Finch are fighting after Stifler found Finch in his mom's room]
Jim: Okay, guys, we went through this last summer, all right? Finch got a black eye and Stifler got six stitches
Stifler: Cause he fuckin' bit me!
Finch: You touch me, I bite.
Stifler: When a girl tells you how many guys she's slept with, multiply it by three and that's the real number. Didn't you fuckers learn anything in college?
Stifler: I got peed on!
Michelle's Friend: You are so sweet. He *is* special.
Michelle: He's my bitch.
Jim: That's a lot of flutes.
Kevin: So, how are the twig and giggleberries this morning?
Jim: Oh, very colorful, my dick looks like a paint by number.
Stifler: Jim, you're the only guy I know who's dick needs an instruction manual.
Michelle: Now don't freak out I'm gonna do something to push your threshold.
Jim: Okay, now. Oh, that's cold! What are you doing?
Michelle: I just shoved a trumpet in your ass. Aren't instruments fun?
Jim: Okay, I think you've just crossed my threshold.
Michelle: This one time... um, here.
Little Boy: [into walky-talky] Red leader, what's your position?
Stifler: [on walky-talky] I'm touchin' his ass, I'm touchin' his ass, I'm touchin his ass, I'm touchin' his ass...
Little Boy: Mommy!
Michelle: [from a deleted scene] Its just like this one time at band camp.
Jim: Ah, Michelle I've been to band camp, it's not all what its cracked up to be.
Kevin: My brother said by the end of the summer I'll get the big picture. And I see it. No matter what, times change, things are different. But the problem is, I don't want them to be.
Jim's Dad: You may be Jimbo, or Jumbo, or Jimbodini to those guys in there, but there are still two people who haven't forgotten where James Emmanuel Levenstein came from. We're awful proud of you son.
Jim: Thanks, Dad.
Jim's Dad: Don't forget your penis cream.
Jim's Dad: [to Natalie's Dad] Hi, I'm Jim's Dad. You must be the parents of this young lady. I didn't get your daughter's name, but hopefully my son did.
Jim: Nadia, please don't take this the wrong way - You are everything I... used to want in a woman, and as much as I'm really... really going to regret this, I think I need to be with someone else.
Nadia: You... you want the band geek?
Jim: Nadia, I *am* a band geek. I just never joined the band.
[last lines]
Finch: Oh, Jeanine, Jeanine!
Stifler's Mom: Call me Stifler's Mom.
Finch: [orgasmic noise] STIFLER'S MO-O-O - OM!
