A Series of Unfortunate Events
A Series of Unfortunate Events

Count Olaf: I must say, you are a gloomy looking bunch. Why so glum?
Klaus Baudelaire: ...Our parents just died.
Count Olaf: Ah yes, of course. How very, very awful. Wait! Let me do that one more time. Give me the line again! Quickly, while it's fresh in my mind!
Klaus Baudelaire: [uncertainly] Our parents

just died?
Count Olaf: [gasps dramatically]
Sunny: [in baby talk] What a schmuck!

A Series of Unfortunate Events
A Series of Unfortunate Events

Violet Baudelaire: It's the letter! The letter that never came!
[reading]
Violet Baudelaire: 'Dearest children - since we've been abroad we have missed you all so much. Certain events have compelled us to extend our travels. One day, when you're older, you will learn all about the people we have befriended and the dangers we have faced. At times the

world can seem an unfriendly and sinister place, but believe us when we say that there is much more good in it than bad. All you have to do is look hard enough. And what might seem to be a series of unfortunate events may, in fact, be the first steps of a journey. We hope to have you back in our arms soon, darlings, but in case this letter arrives before our return, know that we love you. It fills

us with pride to know that no matter what happens in this life, that you three will take care of each other, with kindness and bravery and selflessness, as you always have. And remember one thing, my darlings, and never forget it: that no matter where we are, know that as long as you have each other, you have your family. And you are home.'

A Series of Unfortunate Events
A Series of Unfortunate Events

Violet Baudelaire: Dinner is served. Puttanesca.
Count Olaf: What did you call me?
Klaus Baudelaire: It's pasta... Pasta Puttanesca.
Count Olaf: Where's the roast beef?
Klaus Baudelaire: Roast beef?
Count Olaf: Beef, yes. Roast beef. It's the Swedish term for

beef that is roasted!

A Series of Unfortunate Events
A Series of Unfortunate Events

Count Olaf: [meeting the children for the first time] Ah! My dear...
[looks at stick figures of children with names on his hands]
Count Olaf: Violet. Enchantée!
Violet Baudelaire: Uh... how do you do?
Count Olaf: And this must be Klaus! Young Klaus! Your left side is the good one.
[looks with

disgust at Sunny]
Count Olaf: And... what is *this*?
Sunny: [subtitled baby talk] I'm Sunny!
Count Olaf: I'm sorry. I don't speak monkey.

A Series of Unfortunate Events
A Series of Unfortunate Events

Count Olaf: [speaking to Klaus] Why, you little...
Sunny: [bites him]
[speaking baby talk]
Sunny: Back off, Parrot Face!
Count Olaf: Ohhhh!
[gasping]
Sunny: [baby talk] I'll bite higher!
Count Olaf: [speaks gibberish]
Sunny:

[baby talk] Don't mock me!
Count Olaf: [speaks gibberish again]
Sunny: [baby talk] Wow, you *are* nuts.

A Series of Unfortunate Events
A Series of Unfortunate Events

Count Olaf: Now that we're a family, I can be the ulll-timate DAD.

A Series of Unfortunate Events
A Series of Unfortunate Events

[Olaf is about to enter the store, leaving the kids in the car]
Count Olaf: [to Violet] Soda.
Count Olaf: [to Klaus] Soda.
Count Olaf: [to Sunny] Banana.
Sunny: [subtitled baby talk] Bite me.
Count Olaf: Got it.
[Leaves and locks the doors]

A Series of Unfortunate Events
A Series of Unfortunate Events

Count Olaf: Goodbye children. It's been fun.
[leans in]
Count Olaf: I'm gonna get you kids. No matter where you go, no matter what you do, I'll *find* you! Oh, you are so deceased!

A Series of Unfortunate Events
A Series of Unfortunate Events

Klaus Baudelaire: This is ridiculous! Violet's only 14! She can't be legally married!
Count Olaf: She can if she has the permission of her guardian. And who's that? Oh, yes. Me!
[laughs maniacally]
Count Olaf: Look it up, bookworm!

A Series of Unfortunate Events
A Series of Unfortunate Events

Klaus Baudelaire: Do you think anything will ever feel like home again?
[Violet ties up her hair]
Lemony Snicket: [narrating] Sanctuary... is a word which here means a small, safe place in a troubling world. Like an oasis in a vast desert or an island in a stormy sea.

A Series of Unfortunate Events
A Series of Unfortunate Events

Klaus Baudelaire: Aunt Josephine?
Violet Baudelaire: Never heard of her.
Klaus Baudelaire: Doesn't it strike you odd that none of our relatives are related to us?

A Series of Unfortunate Events
A Series of Unfortunate Events

[first lines]
Lemony Snicket: [the Littlest Elf has just come to an abrupt halt] I'm sorry to say that this is not the movie you will be watching. The movie you are about to see is extremely unpleasant. If you wish to see a film about a happy little elf, I'm sure there is still plenty of seating in theatre number two. However, if you like stories about clever and reasonably

attractive orphans, suspicious fires, carnivorous leeches, Italian food and secret organizations, then stay, as I retrace each and every one of the Baudelaire children's woeful steps. My name is Lemony Snicket, and it is my sad duty to document this tale.

A Series of Unfortunate Events
A Series of Unfortunate Events

[last lines]
Lemony Snicket: Dear reader, there are people in the world who know no misery and woe. And they take comfort in cheerful films about twittering birds and giggling elves. There are people who know that there's always a mystery to be solved. And they take comfort in researching and writing down any important evidence. But this story is not about such people. This

story is about the Baudelaires. And they are the sort of people who know that there's always something. Something to invent, something to read, something to bite, and something to do, to make a sanctuary, no matter how small. And for this reason, I am happy to say, the Baudelaires were very fortunate indeed.

A Series of Unfortunate Events
A Series of Unfortunate Events

[the Baudelaires are making Pasta Puttanesca]
Violet Baudelaire: Sunny, how's that pot coming?
[Sunny appears with a spitoon]
Sunny: [subtitled] Voila!
Klaus Baudelaire: Uh ,Sunny, that's not a pot. That's a spitoon.
Violet Baudelaire: A spitoon? You mean like...?
Klaus

Baudelaire: [nods in disgust]
Violet Baudelaire: We'll wash it twice.

A Series of Unfortunate Events
A Series of Unfortunate Events

Sunny: [about Aunt Josephine; subtitled baby talk] She's the *mayor* of crazy town!

A Series of Unfortunate Events
A Series of Unfortunate Events

Klaus Baudelaire: You won't get a cent until Violet turns 18.
Count Olaf: Oh really... says who?
Klaus Baudelaire: The law. Look it up.

A Series of Unfortunate Events
A Series of Unfortunate Events

Uncle Monty: Now, the children will be helping us extensively with the research in Peru. Do you have any experience with children?
Count Olaf: [in disguise as Stephano] Children are strange and foreign to me. I never really was one. I do know that they are an important part of the ecosystem.

A Series of Unfortunate Events
A Series of Unfortunate Events

[on Stephano, after realizing that he had been caught in a lie]
Count Olaf: Damnit. This was such a good character.

A Series of Unfortunate Events
A Series of Unfortunate Events

Violet Baudelaire: [points to the bobble head "Little Elf" in the rear window of the car] Sunny - bite the head off of that elf!
Sunny: [subtitled baby talk] Love to!

A Series of Unfortunate Events
A Series of Unfortunate Events

Count Olaf: ...And I realized I have been a bit standoffish, Shall we say. Which in this case is a big, big word meaning...
Violet Baudelaire: [interrupting] Pure evil.