David Mills: I've been trying to figure something in my head, and maybe you can help me out, yeah? When a person is insane, as you clearly are, do you know that you're insane? Maybe you're just sitting around, reading "Guns and Ammo", masturbating in your own feces, do you just stop and go, "Wow! It is amazing how fucking crazy I really am!"? Yeah. Do you guys do that?
Alan Garner: [looks at his manual] It says here we should work in teams. Who wants to be my spotter?
Doug Billings: I don't think you should be doing too much gambling tonight, Alan.
Alan Garner: Gambling? Who said anything about gambling? It's not gambling when you know you're gonna win. Counting cards is a foolproof system.
Stu Price: It's also illegal.
Alan Garner: It's not illegal. It's frowned upon, like masturbating on an airplane.
Phil Wenneck: I'm pretty sure that's illegal too.
Alan Garner: Yeah, maybe after 9/11, where everybody got so sensitive. Thanks a lot, bin Laden.
Walt Thrombey: I don't know what any of that means.
Richard Drysdale: It means your son is a little creep.
Walt Thrombey: Oh, my son's a creep.
Joni Thrombey: Guys. Walt, he was in the bathroom.
Richard Drysdale: Joylessly masturbating to pictures of dead deer.
Walt
Thrombey: You know what Richard, you want to go?
Richard Drysdale: You bet Skippy, let's go!
Ransom Drysdale: I've got to do this more often.
Jim: I would like to make an announcement. There is a gorgeous woman masturbating on my bed.
Jim's Dad: I have to admit, you know, I did the fair bit of
[hesitates]
Jim's Dad: masturbating when I was a little younger. I used to call it "stroking the salami", yeah, you know, "pounding the old pud".
[pause]
Jim's Dad: I never did it with baked goods, but you know your uncle Mort, he pets the one-eyed snake 5-6
times a day.
[Regan, possessed, is masturbating with a crucifix]
Demon: Let Jesus fuck you, let Jesus fuck you. Let him fuck you.
Sack Lodge: What's this, uh, company called?
Jeremy Grey: [Screaming because Gloria is secretly masturbating him to the end; climaxing] HOLY SHI...
John Beckwith: [Thinking fast] Shirts and Pants! Holy Shirts and Pants. It's a little corny and obvious, but what do you get out of being subtle, right?
Bella: Do you want to stay?
William: Why not? All that awaits me at home is a masturbating Welshman.