Smithers Quotes

Major Marquis Warren: [after some initial hostility, Warren and Smithers seem to be conversing almost friendly about Smithers' family] Yeah, your boy came up here a few years back. He spoke highly of his mama too.
General Sandy Smithers: You knew my boy?
Major Marquis Warren: Do I know him? Yeah.
[laughs]
Major

Marquis Warren: Yeah, I knew him.
General Sandy Smithers: [coldly] You did not know my boy.
Major Marquis Warren: [shrugs] Suit yourself.
[gets up to leave]
General Sandy Smithers: [grabs Warren by the arm, pleadingly] Did you know my son?
Major Marquis Warren: I know the day he died. Do

you?
General Sandy Smithers: No.
Major Marquis Warren: You wanna know what day that was?
General Sandy Smithers: Yes.
Major Marquis Warren: The day he met me.
[slowly draws one of his guns and places it within Smithers' reach]

Major Marquis Warren: General Sanford Smithers? Battle of Baton Rouge?
General Sandy Smithers: [to Mannix] Inform the nigger in the cavalry officer's uniform that I had a division of Confederates under my command... in Baton Rouge!
Sheriff Chris Mannix: [stands up] MAJOR NIGGER! General Smithers wishes me to inform you...

Major Marquis Warren: [raises hand] I heard him, hillbilly! Inform this old cracker that I was in Baton Rouge also... on the other side.
Sheriff Chris Mannix: Oh, that's interesting.
[to Smithers]
Sheriff Chris Mannix: General Smithers, he said he was also in Baton Rouge on the other side...
General Sandy

Smithers: Captain Mannix! Tell the nigger that I don't acknowledge niggers in northern uniform!
Major Marquis Warren: [to Smithers] You captured a whole colored command that day... but not one colored trooper made it to camp, did they?
General Sandy Smithers: We didn't have the time or the food...
[pause]
General Sandy

Smithers: Nor the inclination to care for nothern horses and LEAST OF ALL, NORTHERN NIGGERS!
[pause]
General Sandy Smithers: SO WE SHOT 'EM WHERE THEY STOOD!
[Warren suddenly drops his coffee cup and goes for the gun in his holster]

Major Marquis Warren: Beggin' for his life, your boy told me his whole Life Story. And YOU, was in that story General. And when I knew me I had the son, of the Bloody Nigger Killer of Baton Rouge, I knew me I was gonna have some fun! It was COLD the day I killed your boy. And I don't mean snowy mountain in Wyoming cold... Colder than that. And on that cold day, with your boy at

the business end of my gun barrel... I made him STRIP. Right down to his bare ass. Then I told him to start walkin'. I walked his naked ass for two hours... 'fore the cold collapsed him. Then he commits to beggin' again. But this time, he wasn't beggin' to go home. He knew he'd never see his home again. And he wasn't beggin' for his life neither, 'cause he knew that was long gone. All he wanted,

was a BLANKET. Now don't judge your boy too harshly, General. You ain't never been cold as your boy was that day. You'd be surprised; what a man that cold, would-do-for-a-blanket. You wanna know what your boy did? I pulled my BIG, BLACK, PECKER outta my pants. And I made him crawl in the snow on all fours over to it. Then I grabbed a handful of that black hair at the back of his head... And I

stuck my Big Black Johnson right down his goddamn throat! And it was fulla' blood... so it was warm. Oh, you bet your sweet ass it was warm. And Charles Chester Smithers sucked on that warm black dingus for as loong as he could. Hahahaahaha! Startin' to see pictures, ain't ya?

Narrator: About fifteen minutes have passed since we last left our characters. Joe Gage volunteered to take Smithers' dead body outside. Straws were drawn to see who'd help him... O.B. lost. Chris, John Ruth and Oswaldo had a vigorous debate about the legality of the self-defense murder that just transpired. Major Marquis Warren, who was supremely confident about the legality of

what just transpired ignored them, sat by himself at the table and drank brandy. Captain Chris Mannix donned the dead General's coat and joined Oswaldo in lighting the candles and lanterns. John Ruth held the door closed while waiting for Joe Gage and O.B. To return. Bob enjoyed a Manzana Roja. Domergue, however, hasn't moved from her spot at the community dinner table since John Ruth uncuffed

her. Let's go back a bit... Fifteen minutes ago, Major Warren shot General Smithers in front of everybody. But, about forty seconds before THAT, something equally important happened... but not everybody saw it. While Major Warren was captivating the crowd with tales of Black Dicks in White Mouths, Somebody... poisoned the coffee. And the only one to see him do it, was Domergue. That's why this

chapter is called; DOMERGUE's GOT A SECRET.

[Sergeant Farrell talks crazy sounding to Jim while tied to the radiator]
Sergeant Farrell: Smithers says, 'Women and semen don't mix.' And Mr. Burns says, 'We all know what you think, Smithers.' And that was my favorite joke in 'The Simpsons.' See, that's what they're doing a few hundred miles away, across the channel, across the Atlantic. They're eating dinner, and

they're watching 'The fuckin' Simpsons'. They're sleeping in their beds, next to their wives. But we are here, chained to a fuckin' radiator, because the O.C. has gone insane!