Helen Tasker: Have you ever killed anyone?
Harry: Yeah, but they were all bad.
Helen Tasker: Have you ever killed anyone?
[while preparing to fire a Harrier missile, from which Salim Abu Aziz is hanging from]
Harry: [presses the button] You're fired!
[Harry is under the influence of a truth serum,in private room located on a deserted island]
Samir: Is there anything you'd like to tell me before we start?
Harry: Yeah. I'm going to kill you pretty soon.
Samir: I see. How, exactly?
Harry: First I'm going to use you as a human shield. Then I'm going to
kill this guard over here with the Patterson trocar on the table. And then I was thinking about breaking your neck.
Samir: And what makes you think you can do all that?
Harry: You know my handcuffs?
Harry: [holds up his hands] I picked them.
[Samir gasps. Harry springs up from his
chair and grabs Samir, using him as a shield while he kills the guard, then breaks Samir's neck]
Harry: [holding Simon at the edge of an aquaduct] Son of a bitch, Did you think you can elude us forever, Carlos, huh?
Simon: Hey, you got the wrong guy! My name's Simon! Just let me go. There's no need to kill me. I haven't seen your...
[Harry and Gib remove their masks]
Simon: face. No, no, no I didn't see it, I didn't see
[realizes that it is Harry]
Simon: Oh, it's you! Hey, you still interested in that 'Vette at all?
Gib: Hey, Carlos? Game's over. Your career as an international terrorist is well documented.
Gib: -Oh, yeah.
Gib: OH, YEAH!
Simon: No, I sell cars! That's all! C'mon, I'm not a terrorist. I'm actually a complete coward, if I ever saw a gun, I'd...
Harry: [Harry takes his gun out and points it in Simon's face]
Simon: [Whining and pleading] Oh God, no, please don't kill
me. I'm not a spy. I'm nothing. I'm navel lint! I have to lie to women to get laid, and I don't score much. I got a little dick, it's pathetic!
[Harry and Gib gave Simon a weird look, then Simon pees his pants]
Simon: Wha, uh, oh God. Would a spy pee himself, huh? Please, I'm not worth a bullet. Oh, mercy sir!
Harry: [Disgusted] Get the fuck
out of here. Just go, just beat it.
Simon: No, no, as soon as I turn, you're gonna shoot me! You're gonna shoot me, you're gonna shoot me, you're gonna shoot me!
Gib: [Gib and Harry get into their van] Get lost, dipshit.
[fires a few rounds into the ground near Simon]
Gib: [to Harry] Same thing happened to me with wife number two, 'member? I have no idea nothing's going on, right? I come home one day and the house is empty, and I mean completely empty. She even took the ice cube trays out of the freezer. What kind of a sick bitch takes the ICE CUBE trays out of the FREEZER?
[after watching her husband kill dozens of men,on a deserted island]
Helen Tasker: [walking next to wooden crates] I married Rambo!
Gib: Women. Can't live with 'em. Can't kill 'em!
Simon: [hitting on a woman at the party] Here, let me pour you some more champaigne. I gotta keep up the waiter bit, these stakeouts can be a little tricky you know, you never know if things can explode to a life or death situation, just stay low and I'll contact you later. Maybe you should give me your tele...
Harry: [puts his hand in Simon] So, we meet
Helen Tasker: [puts her lipstick case under Simon's chin] Honey, I'm gonna do him right here.
Harry: [proudly] Go for it.
Simon: Oh god.
[pees in his pants]
Helen Tasker: Fear is not an option.
[Simon runs out of the party nervously screaming]
[last lines to himself, inside a surveillance van]
Gib: You know what? I'm sick of being in the van. You guys are going to be in the van next time. I've been in the van for 15 years, Harry.
Simon: [in a Chinese restaurant] Did you read the papers yesterday?
Helen Tasker: [whispers] Yes.
Simon: Sometimes a story's a mask for a covert operation. See "Two men killed in a restroom and two unidentified men in a running shootout ending at the Marriot."
Helen Tasker: That was you.
Tasker: [listening to their conversation with Gib]
Simon: You see...
Harry Tasker: [whispers to Gib] That was me.
Simon: You're very good. You recognize my style. You're a natural at this.
Gib: The guy's a fake, man. He's taking credit for our moves.
Helen Tasker: What
Simon: Hardly worth talking about. Two of them won't bother me again.
Helen Tasker: You chased one?
Simon: Something came over me. I just had to nail this guy no matter what the risk. Pretty hairy. I thought he had me a couple of times. But I can't take credit.
Helen Tasker: Why not?
Simon: It's the training. It shapes you into a lethal instrument. You react in a microsecond without thinking.
Gib: [laughing] I'm startin' to like this guy.
[Harry gives him a mean look]
Gib: [gets serious] We still gotta kill him. That's a given. You know.
[Salim Abu Aziz reveals a nuclear weapon]
Salim Abu Aziz: Do you know what this is?
Harry: I know what this is...
Harry: This is an espresso machine.
Harry: No, no wait. It's a snow cone maker.
[Salim approaches Harry]
it a water heater?
Faisil: [in a conference room in their counter terrorism sector] They call him the Sand Spider.
Spencer Trilby: Why?
Faisil: Probably because it sounds scary.
Simon: [trying to sell Harry a Corvette with Simon driving] You see, it's not just a car. It's a total image. An identity you have to go for. This isn't some high-tech sports car. Tell you the truth, it doesn't even handle that great. But that's not the idea, is it? What are we talking about here? Pussy, right?
Harry: [fake laughs] Absolutely.
Simon: Let's face it, Harry. The 'Vette gets 'em wet.
Harry: [referring to Helen] So who are you working on right now?
Simon: I always got a few on the line. But there's this one chick I got right now. I got her panting like a dog. Its great.
Harry: What does she do?
Simon: Some sort of legal secretary. Married to some boring jerk.
Married to some boring jerk.
Simon: Aww, but she could be so hot if she wanted to. She's like all these babes, you get their pilot lit, they could suck start a leafblower. And she's got the most incredible body too and a pair of titties that make you wanna stand up and beg for buttermilk. Ass like a ten year old boy! AHAHAHAHA!
Simon: [Harry punches
him in the face instantly breaking Simon's neck and the daydream ends] AHAHAHAHAHA!
[to Dana, who's wearing a helmet,]
Gib: [as she leaves the kitchen] Yeah, I remember the first time I got shot out of a cannon.
Harry: [over the radio, riding in the middle of a park] Make it quick because my horse is getting tired.
Gib: [over the radio] Your horse?
Harry: [driving in their SUV] You tell on me, I tell on you.
Gib: What are you talking about, I'm as clean as a preacher's sheets. I'm as clean as...
Harry: What about that time you blew a six-week operation because you were too busy getting a blow job?
Gib: You knew about that?
Gib: [over radio] All right twinkle toes, what's your exit strategy?
Harry: I'm gonna walk right out of the front gate.
Gib: [over radio] Ballsy. Stupid but ballsy.
Gib: So your life's in the crapper. So you wife is banging a used car salesman - it's humiliating, I know. But goddamnit, Harry, take it like a man!
[talking about Harry Tasker's wife, in a car with Simon]
Helicopter Pilot: Oh yeah, she's got her head in the guy's lap all right. Yahoo.
[to Harry Tasker]
Gib: Maybe she's sleepy.