Helen Tasker: Have you ever killed anyone?
Harry: Yeah, but they were all bad.
[Harry is under the influence of a truth serum,in private room located on a deserted island]
Samir: Is there anything you'd like to tell me before we start?
Harry: Yeah. I'm going to kill you pretty soon.
Samir: I see. How, exactly?
Harry: First I'm going to use you as a human shield. Then I'm going to
kill this guard over here with the Patterson trocar on the table. And then I was thinking about breaking your neck.
Samir: And what makes you think you can do all that?
Harry: You know my handcuffs?
Samir: Mmm-hmm.
Harry: [holds up his hands] I picked them.
[Samir gasps. Harry springs up from his
chair and grabs Samir, using him as a shield while he kills the guard, then breaks Samir's neck]
Harry: [holding Simon at the edge of an aquaduct] Son of a bitch, Did you think you can elude us forever, Carlos, huh?
Simon: Hey, you got the wrong guy! My name's Simon! Just let me go. There's no need to kill me. I haven't seen your...
[Harry and Gib remove their masks]
Simon: face. No, no, no I didn't see it, I didn't see
it!
[realizes that it is Harry]
Simon: Oh, it's you! Hey, you still interested in that 'Vette at all?
Gib: Hey, Carlos? Game's over. Your career as an international terrorist is well documented.
Simon: No...
Gib: -Oh, yeah.
Simon: No...
Gib: Oh,
yeah!
Simon: No!
Gib: OH, YEAH!
Simon: No, I sell cars! That's all! C'mon, I'm not a terrorist. I'm actually a complete coward, if I ever saw a gun, I'd...
Harry: [Harry takes his gun out and points it in Simon's face]
Simon: [Whining and pleading] Oh God, no, please don't kill
me. I'm not a spy. I'm nothing. I'm navel lint! I have to lie to women to get laid, and I don't score much. I got a little dick, it's pathetic!
[Harry and Gib gave Simon a weird look, then Simon pees his pants]
Simon: Wha, uh, oh God. Would a spy pee himself, huh? Please, I'm not worth a bullet. Oh, mercy sir!
Harry: [Disgusted] Get the fuck
out of here. Just go, just beat it.
Simon: No, no, as soon as I turn, you're gonna shoot me! You're gonna shoot me, you're gonna shoot me, you're gonna shoot me!
Gib: [Gib and Harry get into their van] Get lost, dipshit.
[fires a few rounds into the ground near Simon]
Gib: [to Harry] Same thing happened to me with wife number two, 'member? I have no idea nothing's going on, right? I come home one day and the house is empty, and I mean completely empty. She even took the ice cube trays out of the freezer. What kind of a sick bitch takes the ICE CUBE trays out of the FREEZER?
Simon: [hitting on a woman at the party] Here, let me pour you some more champaigne. I gotta keep up the waiter bit, these stakeouts can be a little tricky you know, you never know if things can explode to a life or death situation, just stay low and I'll contact you later. Maybe you should give me your tele...
Harry: [puts his hand in Simon] So, we meet
again Carlos.
Helen Tasker: [puts her lipstick case under Simon's chin] Honey, I'm gonna do him right here.
Harry: [proudly] Go for it.
Simon: Oh god.
[pees in his pants]
Helen Tasker: Fear is not an option.
[Simon runs out of the party nervously screaming]
Simon: [in a Chinese restaurant] Did you read the papers yesterday?
Helen Tasker: [whispers] Yes.
Simon: Sometimes a story's a mask for a covert operation. See "Two men killed in a restroom and two unidentified men in a running shootout ending at the Marriot."
Helen Tasker: That was you.
Harry
Tasker: [listening to their conversation with Gib]
Simon: You see...
Harry Tasker: [whispers to Gib] That was me.
Simon: You're very good. You recognize my style. You're a natural at this.
Gib: The guy's a fake, man. He's taking credit for our moves.
Helen Tasker: What
happened?
Simon: Hardly worth talking about. Two of them won't bother me again.
Gib: Unbelievable!
Helen Tasker: You chased one?
Simon: Something came over me. I just had to nail this guy no matter what the risk. Pretty hairy. I thought he had me a couple of times. But I can't take credit.
Helen Tasker: Why not?
Simon: It's the training. It shapes you into a lethal instrument. You react in a microsecond without thinking.
Gib: [laughing] I'm startin' to like this guy.
[Harry gives him a mean look]
Gib: [gets serious] We still gotta kill him. That's a given. You know.
[Salim Abu Aziz reveals a nuclear weapon]
Salim Abu Aziz: Do you know what this is?
Harry: I know what this is...
[Salim smiles]
Harry: This is an espresso machine.
[Salim frowns]
Harry: No, no wait. It's a snow cone maker.
[Salim approaches Harry]
Harry: Is
it a water heater?
Faisil: [in a conference room in their counter terrorism sector] They call him the Sand Spider.
Spencer Trilby: Why?
Faisil: Probably because it sounds scary.
Simon: [trying to sell Harry a Corvette with Simon driving] You see, it's not just a car. It's a total image. An identity you have to go for. This isn't some high-tech sports car. Tell you the truth, it doesn't even handle that great. But that's not the idea, is it? What are we talking about here? Pussy, right?
Harry: [fake laughs] Absolutely.
Simon: Let's face it, Harry. The 'Vette gets 'em wet.
Harry: [referring to Helen] So who are you working on right now?
Simon: I always got a few on the line. But there's this one chick I got right now. I got her panting like a dog. Its great.
Harry: What does she do?
Simon: Some sort of legal secretary. Married to some boring jerk.
Harry:
Married to some boring jerk.
Simon: Aww, but she could be so hot if she wanted to. She's like all these babes, you get their pilot lit, they could suck start a leafblower. And she's got the most incredible body too and a pair of titties that make you wanna stand up and beg for buttermilk. Ass like a ten year old boy! AHAHAHAHA!
Simon: [Harry punches
him in the face instantly breaking Simon's neck and the daydream ends] AHAHAHAHAHA!
Harry: [driving in their SUV] You tell on me, I tell on you.
Gib: What are you talking about, I'm as clean as a preacher's sheets. I'm as clean as...
Harry: What about that time you blew a six-week operation because you were too busy getting a blow job?
Gib: You knew about that?
Harry:
Uh-huh.
Gib: So your life's in the crapper. So you wife is banging a used car salesman - it's humiliating, I know. But goddamnit, Harry, take it like a man!