The Nutty Professor Quotes

Mama Klump: Sherman, I think I do remember hearing something on TV about colon cleansin'. They say everyone should have one. I'm thinkin' about gettin' me an appointment and go down and get my colon cleansed thoroughly.
Papa Klump: You want your colon cleansed? Fine, I'm gonna clean mine.
[lets a loud fart, and Ernie Klump Jr. starts laughing harder

and harder]
Papa Klump: There. Now my colon is clean. I'm talking squeaky clean.
Mama Klump: Every time we have a meal, you start breaking gas. Don't break gas and destroy our meal.
Papa Klump: Don't tell me to stop! You're the one that brought up colon cleansin' and all that mess!
Mama Klump: I did not

say anything about breakin' gas! I said I was going to get my colon cleaned.
Papa Klump: Don't you talk about putting a tube up somebody's ass, but I can't break wind.
Mama Klump: I didn't say nothing about putting no hose up nobody's ass. Cletus, I said...
Papa Klump: What you think a colonic is? You think you're gonna run

your asshole by the car wash?
[Ernie Jr. starts choking from eating and out of control laughter]
Mama Klump: You're choking the baby.
Papa Klump: As long as I pay the bills, I do what I want at this table. Case in point.
[lets another loud fart]
Grandma Klump: Who's that calling my name?
Mama

Klump: Yeah, I'll call you up if your name is...
[farts in finishing his sentence, then laughs in mockery]
Grandma Klump: Keep insulting me.
[picks up a knife]
Grandma Klump: I'll toss this between the crack of your ass.
Papa Klump: Yeah. You know, I can go all night.
[lets another loud fart]

Mama Klump: Keep farting. I hope you fart until your asshole falls out.
[Cletus lets another fart, Ernie Sr laughs loud and then Ernie Jr. manages to follow along]
Mama Klump: Oh, my baby too!
[Cletus lets another loud fart that this time sounds wet]
Papa Klump: Oops! Now, see what you made me do?
[starts

running away clutching his pants]
Papa Klump: Goddamn it, I messed up my pants!
Grandma Klump: Damn, daddy.
Mama Klump: You've got to clean 'em yourself!

Buddy Love: [to Reggie] Ok, fat jokes! You wanna do fat jokes?
[Buddy stands up]
Buddy Love: Alright!
[Buddy claps his hands once]
Buddy Love: Your mother's so fat, the bitch needs Thomas Guide to find her asshole!
[everyone in the room, except Reggie, roars with laughter]
Buddy Love:

Alright! Wait, wait, wait, your mother's so fat, after sex I roll over twice, and I'm still on the bitch!
[everyone, except Reggie, laughs louder]
Buddy Love: [to Reggie] Your mother is so fat, she fell in the Grand Canyon and got stuck!
[everyone, except Reggie, laughs even louder]
Buddy Love: Reggie's mother's so fat, that the bitch

gets her toenails painted at Earl Scheib!
[everyone in the room, except Reggie, loudly roars with laughter. Buddy climbs onto the stage]
Buddy Love: [walking past Reggie] Earl Scheib! At Earl Scheib!
[laughs]

Sherman Klump: I assure you, I will not let you down.
Dean Richmond: You won't. I know you won't. As a matter of fact, I know you're going to be perfect! Do you know how I know all these things? I know them because if you're *not* perfect, nevermind the yelling, the screaming and the firing. If anything goes wrong, for any reason
[pause]

Dean Richmond: I'm going to kill you. And I don't mean that as a euphemism, I am going to literally kill you. I'm going to strangle you and choke off your air supply until you pass away.

[Sherman has bloated back into himself after being Buddy Love at the banquet]
Sherman Klump: If you give me a moment, I can explain. My research is, um... Well, when I started out, I wanted to help people. But then I became desperate and selfish. And what I did was wrong. Buddy's who I thought the whole world wanted me to be. He's who I thought I wanted to be. And sometimes

when you want something so so bad, you'll do just about anything to get it. But I learned one thing from Buddy. Life isn't about being happy with how much you weigh, but just being happy with yourself. I'm terribly sorry about all of this, I hope I haven't ruined everybody's evening. Please excuse me.
[to Carla]
Sherman Klump: Sorry.

Buddy Love: Oh you mean rich dummy terms? I'll break it down. All the rich dummies in the room, listen up! If you gonna eat nasty stuff like this.
[Picks up a porkchop]
Buddy Love: I know it looks good and I know how many of here like porkchop. But this greasy, nasty porkchop, you know there's a gene in your DNA that routes this straight to your fat

cells, and it causes all sorts of sightly conditions. Case in point, this woman has what I like to call jello arms...
[shakes a fat lady's arm]
Buddy Love: ...you notice the arm has taken on a gelatin sort of vibe. Quite nasty.
[moves to a man at another table]
Buddy Love: And to my left, this gentleman has turkey neck,
[Moves to

the woman next to him]
Buddy Love: to my immediate left, this young lady is suffering from what we like to call saddlebag syndrome
[moves to the woman next to her]
Buddy Love: and to my extreme left, this lady is suffering from what we like to call... tank ass.
[the woman's husband gets up]
Buddy Love: Yo, not

tonight, man.
[escorts him back into his seat]
Buddy Love: I'm your brother, I'm your brother. Like I was saying, ladies and gentlemen, where there's a will, there's a way, and there is a way we can turn these genes off, and I don't mean by using exercise or diet, I'm talking about by taking a simple solution, which helps reconstruct your metabolic cellular strands,

thus giving you the appearance of,
[picks a nice lady]
Buddy Love: as they say in medical terms... gluteus minimus, or in layman's terms, an extremely tight, wonderful ass. Let's give it up for the woman with the nice ass.
[a bit of the other people applaud]
Buddy Love: She's worked so hard, don't you agree? Have a seat have a seat.

Wow, everybody has a nice ass at this table, is this the nice ass section?