I felt ashamed for what I had done. I don't have any excuses. I did what I did. I take full responsibility for myself and my actions. I wouldn't pawn this off on anybody. I'm sorry it happened. And I hurt people.
I would trade everything I have to have had a happier childhood.
I have a very warm spot in my heart for Vegas.
You have to be funny about it and honest about it. You can't leave yourself out of that mix. You have to be honest enough to say, I'm that messed-up one in the family.
Everyone always comes to one point in their life as an artist where you can either let your heart guide you or your ego.
Dr. Phil was very helpful and caring. I believe he helped all of us there and watching how to better relate, understand, and communicate with our families and loved ones. Dr. Phil recommended reading my new book.
I have about 1,000 hours of myself on tape in a vault in Los Angeles. But I also have a photographic memory about my jokes, because they're really about me; they're my stories.
I was with a famous comedian when a young fan walked up and asked for an autograph. The comedian blew him off. I'll never forget the look on the young boy's face. He was devastated.
We were on welfare when we were kids. Thanks for reminding me of that.
We all think we're going to get out of debt.
I've been in Vegas. That's where you get into the money thing. Boy, you get greedy in Vegas, you know. That's the only place that you can bet $25, get it up to $500 and refuse to quit.
A real estate closer. Oh, what's that? I'm a real estate opener. What is a real estate closer? You mean at the end where you've got to sign all those papers?
Minnesotans really think they run the whole world, I love that.
I started a big part of my career in Vegas.
I'm a 7 o'clock act. My people want to go to a show, a dinner and then go home and go to bed.
I can't stay long; I'm in between meals.
I really try to have fun. If I don't have fun, you won't have fun. That's what my gift is: to relieve people from a little of the pain and comfort in their lives by allowing my comedy to distract them. A good laugh is almost as good as any doctor visit.
All great comedians make me laugh, but people make me laugh more.
If I have food in the house and I'm laying in bed, I go, 'I bet that Captain Crunch is lonely in the cupboard.'
You can't open anything after your 50. You have to wait 'til people stop by the house. 'Oh my God, I'm glad you're here.'
