Surfing Instructor: [singing to himself] # Oh the weather outside is weather... #
Peter Bretter: [singing] Everybody hates you. Everybody wishes that you were dead. Peter you suck. Peter you suck. Peter your music is fucking terrible. Peter you suck, Peter you suck. You don't do anything of value. Peter you suck. Go write some music. But instead you sit and write these bullshit songs. It's so self-loathing. Go see a psychiatrist. I hate the psychiatrist. Go see
one anyway.
Aldous Snow: [holding a single sandal] I've lost a shoe... have you seen it anywhere? Excuse me, missus, I've lost a shoe... like this one. It's like this one's fellow... it's sort of the exact opposite in fact of that - not an evil version but just, you know, a shoe like this... but for the other foot. Otherwise I'd have two right...
Matthew: I have a question for you real quick Mr S, I was actually meaning to ask you, what did you exactly think of my demo? Did you get it? Did you get it?
Aldous Snow: Oh no. I was gonna listen to that, but then I just carried on living my life.
Matthew: Just not at all?
Aldous Snow: No I didn't, because
I've got my instincts and they weren't good.
Matthew: [whispering] Fuck you. Okay? Go fuck yourself. I can't yell right now, cause I'll get fired, and my boss ll' hear me, and then I won't be able to pay off my student loans, but you know what? You're an asshole. I fucking hate you. I bought all your records, this whole fucking time I've been trying to get you to come hang
out with me. I'm gonna have people fuck with your food the rest of your trip! You fucking dick!
[leaves]
Aldous Snow: I like him. That's quite moving.
Rachel Jansen: [on the phone] Peter
Peter Bretter: Sarah?
Rachel Jansen: No, Rachel Jansen from the front desk whats going on up there, we're getting calls about a woman crying hysterically
Peter Bretter: Yeah, y'know,I hear it too, it sounds like she's having a tough time, I think its coming from the floor
above me
Rachel Jansen: You're on the top floor.
Peter Bretter: I'll try to keep it down.
Aldous Snow: Awful bloody film. I say, it's just a ridiculous premise. What would happen if your mobile phone killed you? Why would a mobile phone kill anyone? Doesn't make sense. How can a mobile phone have an agenda and kill people...
Peter Bretter: I told her that when she read the script
Aldous Snow: Yeah, you were the voice of
reason, mate.
Peter Bretter: I tried to be, but she didn't listen.
Aldous Snow: Going around killing people. A mobile phone, like doing murders.
Peter Bretter: Why couldn't you just take the battery out of the phone?
Aldous Snow: Right. That's it. The battle's over.
Peter
Bretter: Yeah, we've won.
Aldous Snow: I hated it.
Sarah Marshall: Well, it's not for everyone, but it...
Peter Bretter: No, it's ridiculous. Here's my favorite scene. Hello?
[Peter feigns death]
Aldous Snow: Right. I could never happen.
Sarah Marshall: It's a
metaphor for addiction to technology.
Rachel Jansen: For society, how we're reliant on technology. I get it. I'm with you.
Aldous Snow: It's a metaphor for a crap movie.
Dwayne the Bartender: I don't understand what there is to think about.
Rachel Jansen: Because, Dee... he...
Dwayne the Bartender: She licked the tip. That doesn't count.
Rachel Jansen: Of course it counts, he...
Dwayne the Bartender: He what? He refused a blow job from his ex-girlfriend
mid blow job. Do you know what that's like for a man? It's called blue balls, Rachel. This guy's like Gandhi, but better; he likes puppets. I love puppets. I love Fraggle Rock. I love Lamb Chop. I love Elmo, Sesame Street, Burt and Ernie, Snuffleupagus? Fucks my shit UP.
Brian: You don't need to put your P in a V right now.
Peter Bretter: No, I need to B my L on someone's T's.
Peter Bretter: Hey are you Chuck?
Surfing Instructor: Man they won't change that stupid flyer, Chuck's my mainland name, my Hawaiian names Koodu
Peter Bretter: Oh sorry
Surfing Instructor: Its cool, its all good
Peter Bretter: So does Koodu have some cool Hawaiian meaning?
Surfing Instructor: It means Chuck
Sarah Marshall: [Peter can't perform in bed] What's wrong with you?
Peter Bretter: Nothing is *wrong* with me.
Sarah Marshall: Okay...
Peter Bretter: Just something doesn't feel right.
Sarah Marshall: Okay, well did you, you know what? Did you drink today? Because sometimes when you
drink...
Peter Bretter: Excuse me. No, I haven't had anything to drink today. Maybe the problem is that you broke my heart into a million pieces and so my cock doesn't want to be around you anymore! Okay? EVER! Because you know what I just realized? You're the goddamn devil!
Surfing Instructor: Come on out. Oh, the weather outside is weather...
Brian: You gotta get your shit together, man.
Peter Bretter: I'm trying to. It's so hard here. Brian, everywhere I look I'm reminded of her, okay? Like, she got me this, okay because I would always leave my cereal boxes open, and the cereal would get stale, and so one day I came home, and she had this waiting for me, because it keeps my cereal fresh. And
now I have the freshest cereal.