A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.
Never have lives less lived been more chronicled.
I want to help the helpless, but I don't want to help the clueless.
I rant, therefore I am.
Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time.
There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.
You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R.
Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.
What's so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It's like a shock and aw shucks campaign.
Elected office holds more perks than Elvis' nightstand.
The White House looked into a plan that would allow illegal immigrants to stay in the United States. The plan called for a million Mexicans to marry a million of our ugliest citizens.
The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.
The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board.
America may be the best country in the world, but that's kind of like being the valedictorian of summer school.
Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.
Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time.
You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.
What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show. Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy.
Two wrongs may not make a right, but a thousand wrongs make a writer.
Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation's highways.
