Click Quotes

Morty: [Michael wants to skip ahead to his promotion] Consider the leprechaun.
Michael Newman: What?
Morty: The one in the cereal commercials.
Michael Newman: [Irish accent] 'They're magically delicious'?
[normal voice]
Michael Newman: That guy?
Morty:

He's always chasing the pot of gold, but when he gets there, at the end of the day, it's just corn flakes.

Michael Newman: [dying] Family, family... Family comes first.
Ben Newman - Age 22-30: [crying] Family comes first.
Michael Newman: Honey... honeymoon
Ben Newman - Age 22-30: [still crying] Honeymoon
[to his wife; still crying]
Ben Newman - Age 22-30: I love you.

Michael Newman: Samantha... I didn't make it to 200 but I love you.
Samantha Newman - Age 27: I love you, Daddy.
Michael Newman: [weakly gives Bill the finger and laughs] No no, no no,
Michael Newman: [Give the Okay sign]

Michael Newman: Can I help you?
Ben Newman - at 17 Years Old: Hey Dad.
Michael Newman: Hey Dad? Ben? Look how big you got! You're enormous!
Ben Newman - at 17 Years Old: [offended] Look who's talking, Captain Twinkie of the SS Fat Ass! Really good for my self esteem! Maybe if you took me to Pilates like you

said you would, people wouldn't think I was Rosie O'Donnell!
Michael Newman: Come on Ben, I love you! Bring me back the Twinkies!

Michael Newman: I thought I was already your partner.
Ammer: Whoa, cowboy. I said "Land the Watsuhita account, you'll get promoted." I didn't mean right this second.
Michael Newman: But I already told my wife, sir. I spent money I don't have. To do these documents is gonna take me months.
Ammer: Then you

better get started.
[Michael freezes Ammer with the remote, smacks him in the face three times, unfreezes him]
Ammer: Wow, I just got a big headache! Wha - ? Was I hit by a train or something?
Michael Newman: I didn't see anything.
Ammer: Oh, I forgot to tell you. I hung out with your friend Janine this weekend.

[freezes Ammer again]
Michael Newman: I hope she's doing your brother right now, you big-headed buffoon
[Michael stands on Ammer's desk and begins farting in his face]
Michael Newman: No, no, no, no. You got more.
[continues farting in Ammer's face]
Michael Newman: Yeah.
[stops and unfreezes Ammer]

Ammer: Anyway, the sooner you ge - Get back to - Uh, work, they sooner you'll be partnerized. I taste shit.
Michael Newman: You do?
Ammer: Stacy! Did you put shit in my lunch? Argh!
Michael Newman: [leaves Ammer's office] I'm gonna get going, sir.
Ammer: Ugh. STACY!

Samantha Newman - Age 5: Daddy, how much longer are you going to live?
Michael Newman: [to cellphone] One minute.
Samantha Newman - Age 5: One minute?
[grabs hold of his leg]
Samantha Newman - Age 5: Daddy's gonna die in one minute?
Michael Newman: Whoa! No no no, I'm not gonna

die, okay? I'm gonna live... 200 more years, is that long enough for you and me?
Samantha Newman - Age 5: You promise?
Michael Newman: I promise!
[hugs her]

Kevin O'Doyle: [referring to Michael's car] What kind of stereo do you have in that blue piece of shit?
Michael Newman: You know, I never check, Kevin.
Kevin O'Doyle: Yeah, well my father's stereo is a Bose.
Michael Newman: [yell's while in his car] Your father's stereo blows? That's too bad!

Kevin O'Doyle: No! I said... That's not what I said!
Michael Newman: [pulls off his driveway and speeds away yelling] His father stereo blows! Wheee!

[Michael was told his father, Ted, died. In his grave, he asks the remote to flashback to the last time he saw him. Flashback: Michael's very busy working and his son, Ben, arrives]
Ben Newman - Age 22-30: Hi, Dad. Sorry to bother you. Would you mind looking at my shopping mall design again? This one is cheaper, but... If you check this out, you'll see it has much better

natural flow...
Michael Newman: [Flashback-Michael interrupts without having seen his son's project] Cheaper one, like I said. Just, let me do my e-mail.
Ben Newman - Age 22-30: Yeah, yeah, you're right. Er...
Michael Newman: [Real Michael] He ain't right. You are a schmark, look at it!
Ted: [arrives]

Surprise!
Ben Newman - Age 22-30: Hey, grandpa!
Michael Newman: [Real Michael sees how old his dad is] Oh, my God...
Ted: [hugs Ben] How did you get so handsome?
[to Michael]
Ted: So, Michael. I have a wonderful idea. Your mother is going to play canasta with her friends tonight, so I thought:

"What a great opportunity". You, me and Ben should go and have a boys night out.
Michael Newman: [Flashback-Michael] I can't.
Ted: What do you mean you can't? You have to weak some time. We can go, we can whistle the pretty ladies.
Ben Newman - Age 22-30: I'm down for that.
Ted: See? He's down. I don't

know what that means but he's down.
Michael Newman: [Flashback-Michael] Hey, please.
Ted: Don't give me that finger.
[after seeing he's son keeps busy]
Ted: I'll make you a deal. If you come, I'll show you the quarter trick.
Michael Newman: [Real Michael] Will you look at the man?

Ted: I'll tell you the secret.
Michael Newman: [Flashback-Michael] No, Dad.
Ted: Don't you wanna know...?
Michael Newman: ...how you do the stupid trick? I've always known. Can you let me do my job?
Ted: [voice braking] You've always known...
Michael Newman:

[Real Michael, to Flashback-Michael] You're pathetic.
Ted: Okay... I'm so sorry I butched in. I love you son.
Ben Newman - Age 22-30: Don't you worry, grandpa. I'll go with you.
[Grandpa starts leaving and cries. Real Michael freezes him, then rewinds the scene to the part Granpa Ted tells Flashback-Michael that he loves him]

Michael Newman: [Real Michael, when he freezes his dad when he's looking at him] I love you dad.
[kisses him in the cheek]
Michael Newman: I'll miss ya... You know that... Good-bye.

Michael Newman: [looking in a mirror] You look a little pale there, pal. Let me fix that.
Michael Newman: [Changes his skin color to yellow] You're all yellow from the scurvy. Arr, captain.
Michael Newman: [Changes his skin color to green] Grr... Don't get the Hulk angry. Raaaahrrr!
Michael Newman: [Changes

his skin color to purple] Oh, there's Barney.
[starts to sing]
Michael Newman: I love you, you love me, the jogger has giant boobies.

Janine: [after Donna kisses Michael] Oh, my God. I want that so bad. A husband that I can kiss and love and give juice too.
Michael Newman: You've already cheated on three different husbands with their brothers. I think you've given enough juice to everybody. Love juice.
Janine: You know way too much about me. I should've never done

that Montel Williams show.
Michael Newman: Even Montel Williams thinks you're crazy and he's seen a lot of shit.
Janine: I was desperate for companionship! All of my husbands... All of them have emotionally abandoned me.
Michael Newman: They went to work. You had sex with their unemployed brothers. You're a horndog.