Clerks Quotes

Indecisive Video Customer: They say so much, but they never tell you if it's any good. Are either one of these any good? Sir?
Randal Graves: What?
Indecisive Video Customer: Are either one of these any good?
Randal Graves: I don't watch movies.
Indecisive Video Customer: Well, have you

heard anything about either one of them?
Randal Graves: I find it's best to stay out of other people's affairs.
Indecisive Video Customer: You mean you haven't heard anybody say anything about either one of these?
Randal Graves: Nope.
Indecisive Video Customer: [turns around, then shows Randal the same

movies] Well, what about these two?
Randal Graves: Oh, they suck.
Indecisive Video Customer: These are the same two movies! You weren't paying any attention!
Randal Graves: No, I wasn't.
Indecisive Video Customer: I don't think your manager would appreciate it if...
Randal

Graves: I don't appreciate your ruse, ma'am.
Indecisive Video Customer: I beg your pardon?
Randal Graves: Your ruse. Your cunning attempt to trick me.
Indecisive Video Customer: I was only pointing out that you weren't paying any attention to what I was saying.
Randal Graves: And I hope it

feels good.
Indecisive Video Customer: You hope *what* feels good?
Randal Graves: I hope it feels so good to be right. There's nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there?
Indecisive Video Customer: Well, this is the last time I rent here.
Randal Graves: You'll be

missed.
Indecisive Video Customer: Screw you!
[leaves]
Randal Graves: [runs to the door] Hey! You're not allowed to rent here anymore!
Jay: [outside; has no idea what's going on] Yeah!

[Randal is on the phone when a woman and little girl come to the counter]
'Happy-Scrappy' Mom: Excuse me. But do you sell videotapes?
Randal Graves: Yeah, what're you looking for?
'Happy-Scrappy' Mom: "Happy Scrappy Hero Pup".
Randal Graves: Uh, one second. I'm on the phone with the distribution house

now; lemme make sure they got it.
'Happy-Scrappy' Mom: 'Kay.
Randal Graves: What's it called again?
'Happy-Scrappy' Mom: "Happy Scrappy Hero Pup".
'Happy-Scrappy' Kid: "Happy Scrappy"!
'Happy-Scrappy' Mom: She loves it.
Randal Graves: Obviously.

[into the phone]
Randal Graves: Uh, yeah, hi, this is RST Video calling. Customer #4352. I'd like to place an order. Okay, I need one each of the following tapes: "Whispers in the Wind", "To Each His Own", "Put It Where It Doesn't Belong", "My Pipes Need Cleaning", "All Tit-Fucking, Volume 8", "I Need Your Cock", "Ass-Worshipping Rimjobbers", "My Cunt and Eight Shafts",

"Cum Clean", "Cum-Gargling Naked Sluts", "Cum Buns 3", "Cumming in Socks", "Cum on Eileen", "Huge Black Cocks with Pearly White Cum", "Girls Who Crave Cock", "Girls Who Crave Cunt", "Men Alone 2: The K-Y Connection", "Pink Pussy Lips", oh yeah, and, uh, "All Holes Filled with Hard Cock".
'Happy-Scrappy' Kid: "Scrappy"!
Randal Graves: Yup. Oh, wait a

minute.
[to the woman]
Randal Graves: Uh, what was that called again?

Dante Hicks: You know what the real tragedy about all this is? I'm not even supposed to be here today!
Randal Graves: [suddenly outraged] Oh, fuck you! Fuck you, pal! Jesus, there you go again trying to pass the buck. I'm the source of all your misery. Who closed the store to play hockey? Who closed the store to go to a wake? Who tried to win back his ex

girlfriend without even discussing how he felt with his present one? You wanna blame somebody? Blame yourself. "I'm not even supposed to be here today."
[throws stuff at Dante]
Randal Graves: You sound like an asshole! Jesus, nobody twisted your arm to be here today. You're here of your own volition. You like to think the weight of the world rests on your shoulders.

Like this place would fall apart if Dante wasn't here. Jesus, you overcompensate for having what's basically a monkey's job. You push fucking buttons. Anybody can waltz in here and do our jobs. You... You're so obsessed with making it seem so much more epic, so much more important than it really is. Christ, you work in a convenience store, Dante! And badly, I might add! I work in a shitty video

store, badly as well.
[sighs]
Randal Graves: You know, that guy Jay's got it right, man. He has no delusions about what he does. Us... we like to make ourselves seem so much more important than the people that come in here to buy a paper, or, God forbid... cigarettes. We look down on them as if we're so advanced. Well, if we're so fucking advanced, what are we doing

working here?

Dante Hicks: You said you only had sex with three different guys; you never mentioned him!
Veronica Loughran: Because I never HAD sex with him.
Dante Hicks: You sucked his dick!
Veronica Loughran: We went out a few times. We never had sex but we fooled around.
Dante Hicks: Oh my God,

WHY did you tell me you only had sex with three different guys?
Veronica Loughran: Because I DID only have sex with three different guys; that doesn't mean I didn't just go with people.
Dante Hicks: Oh my God, I feel so nauseous!
Veronica Loughran: I'm sorry, Dante, I thought you understood!
Dante

Hicks: I did understand! I understood that you had sex with three different guys and that's all you said!
Veronica Loughran: Please calm down.
Dante Hicks: How many?
Veronica Loughran: Dante...
Dante Hicks: How many dicks have you sucked?
Veronica Loughran: Let it go!

Dante Hicks: How many?
Veronica Loughran: All right, shut up a second and I'll tell you! Jesus! I didn't freak out like this when you told me how many girls you fucked!
Dante Hicks: This is different, this is important. How many?
[long pause as customer buys something]
Dante Hicks: Well?

Veronica Loughran: Something like... 36.
Dante Hicks: What? Something like 36?
Veronica Loughran: Lower your voice.
Dante Hicks: Wait, what is that anyway, something like 36? Does that INCLUDE me?
Veronica Loughran: Ummm... 37.
Dante Hicks: I'm 37?

Randal Graves: Oh what, what's with you, man? You haven't said anything for like 20 minutes. What the hell's your problem?
Dante Hicks: This life.
Randal Graves: This life?
Dante Hicks: Why do I have this life?
Randal Graves: Have some chips, you'll feel better.
Dante

Hicks: I'm stuck in this pit, working for less than slave wages. Working on my day off, the goddamn steel shutters are closed, I deal with every backward ass fuck on the planet. I smell like shoe polish. My ex-girlfriend is catatonic after fucking a dead guy. And my present girlfriend has sucked 36 dicks.
Randal Graves: 37.

Blue Collar Man: Excuse me, I don't mean to interrupt, but, uh, what are you talking about?
Randal Graves: The ending of "Return of the Jedi".
Dante Hicks: My friend here's trying to convince me that any independent contractors who were working on the uncompleted Death Star were innocent victims when it was destroyed by the Rebels.

Randal Graves: Embolism in a pool.
Dante Hicks: What an embarrassing way to die.
Randal Graves: That's nothing compared to how my cousin Walter died.
Dante Hicks: How did he die?
Randal Graves: He broke his neck.
Dante Hicks: That's embarrassing?

Randal Graves: He broke his neck trying to suck his own dick!

Randal Graves: [talking about the second Death Star] A construction job of that magnitude would require a helluva lot more manpower than the Imperial army had to offer. I'll bet there were independent contractors working on that thing: plumbers, aluminum siders, roofers.
Dante Hicks: Not just Imperials, is what you're getting at...
Randal

Graves: Exactly. In order to get it built quickly and quietly they'd hire anybody who could do the job. Do you think the average storm trooper knows how to install a toilet main? All they know is killing and white uniforms.
Dante Hicks: All right, so even if independent contractors are working on the Death Star, why are you uneasy with its destruction?

Randal Graves: All those innocent contractors hired to do a job were killed - casualties of a war they had nothing to do with.
[notices Dante's confusion]
Randal Graves: All right, look-you're a roofer, and some juicy government contract comes your way; you got the wife and kids and the two-story in suburbia - this is a government contract, which

means all sorts of benefits. All of a sudden these left-wing militants blast you with lasers and wipe out everyone within a three-mile radius. You didn't ask for that. You have no personal politics. You're just trying to scrape out a living.

Randal Graves: So, your argument is that title dictates behavior?
Dante Hicks: What?
Randal Graves: The reason you won't let me use your car is because I have a title and a job description, and I'm supposed to follow it, right?
Dante Hicks: Exactly.
Tabloid Reading Customer: I saw one,

one time, that said, "The next week, the world is ending." And in the next week's paper, they said, "We were miraculously saved at the zero hour by a koala-fish mutant bird." Crazy shit.
Randal Graves: So, I'm no more responsible for my decisions here than, say, a Death Squad soldier in Bosnia?
Dante Hicks: Oh, now, that's stretching it. You're not

being asked to slay children or anything.
Randal Graves: Yeah, not yet.
[takes a drink of water]
Tabloid Reading Customer: And I remember this one time-
[Randal spits water at him]
Tabloid Reading Customer: I'm going to break your fucking head! You fucking jerk-off!
Dante Hicks: Sir! Sir,

I'm sorry! He meant to hit me.
Tabloid Reading Customer: Yeah, well, he missed!
Dante Hicks: Yeah, I know. Here, let me refund your money, and we'll call it even, alright?
Tabloid Reading Customer: I'll never come in here again.
[to Randal]
Tabloid Reading Customer: And if I see you again, I'm

gonnna break your fucking head open!
[Randal salutes him as he leaves]
Dante Hicks: What the fuck'd you do that for?
Randal Graves: Two reasons. One, I hate it when people can't shut up about the stupid tabloid headlines.
Dante Hicks: Oh, Jesus!
Randal Graves: And two, to prove a point. Title

does not dictate behavior.
Dante Hicks: What?
Randal Graves: If title dictated my behavior, as a clerk serving the public, I wouldn't be allowed to spit water at that guy. But I did. So, my point is that people dictate their own behavior. Even though I work in a video store, I choose to go rent movies at Big Choice. Agreed?
Dante

Hicks: [gives Randal his car keys] You are a danger to both the dead and the living.
Randal Graves: I like to think I'm a master of my own destiny.
Dante Hicks: Please, get the hell outta here.
Randal Graves: You know I'm your hero.