Cristina Saralegui
Cristina Saralegui

How proud I am to be compared to Oprah. I really admire her. She's a minority woman and she's done all this by herself... I'm very happy to be Oprah with salsa and not Donahue in drag.

Eileen Davidson
Eileen Davidson

Some people say I appeared on the Phil Donahue show to tell 'my' sex change story but I've never appeared on his show for any reason... not even as a member of the studio audience.

Moshe Kasher
Moshe Kasher

I wanted to be like Phil Donahue for the internet generation.

Ted
Ted

[Rex escorts John to the second floor of his house, showing off all of his expensive memorabilia]
Rex: This is Wade Boggs' autographed bat. I just barely outbid Phil Donahue for that at an auction.
John: Wow, cool.
Rex: Yeah, cool.
[Pointing at boxing gloves on display]
Rex: These boxing gloves

worn by Joe Louis in his first fight.
[Stops and points at abstract painting]
Rex: This is art. Get it?
[John shrugs]
Rex: [Pointing at glasses on display] These were John Lennon's glasses. They're worth like a million dollars.
[pointing at a photo frame]
Rex: That's me and Tom Skerritt. Oh, check this

out.
[They stop in front of a display]
Rex: This is Lance Armstrong's nut. I had it freeze-dried and bronzed. Every now and then, when life's getting me down and things are tough, I just come up here... and look at that. It reminds me that... things aren't so bad.
John: Sometimes you feel like a nut.
Rex: [Looks at

John] Sometimes you don't.
[They both walk to the bar]
Rex: So, talk to me, Jonny Quest, how are things with you and Lori?
John: You know, things are great, actually.
Rex: Oh that's great. That is great.
John: You know, uh, Lori would hate me for saying this, but, she told me how you are at the

office. And as one gentleman to another, I just wanna say I really hope you fucking get Lou Gehrig's disease.
Rex: [Giggles] Well, uh, let me, uh, let me get to clear the air a little. I mean, yeah, I'm kind of a fun time boss and whatnot. But look, man, I do that with everyone at the office. I'm a kook. I have no desires on your girlfriend. We work together, and that's it.

You know, I think you're a great guy, and she's a very lucky girl.
John: Well that's good to hear.
Rex: Yeah.

Bruce Almighty
Bruce Almighty

Announcer: Welcome to Eyewitness News at Six, with Susan Ortega, Evan Baxter, Fred Donahue Sports, Dallas Coleman Weather. And now, Buffalo's Number One News Team.
Susan Ortega: Good Evening and welcome to Eyewitness News at Six. I'm Susan Ortega.
Evan Baxter: And I'm Evan Baxter and here's what's making news. A potential scandal with the Buffalo

P.D. surfaced today when the mayor d-bow debit
[choked off]
Evan Baxter: [high pitched] D-bow d-bit d-bow
[unintelligible chicken squawking]
Evan Baxter: Bucka-bow, dee buck.
Director: Someone get him some water please.
Susan Ortega: Looks like my new co-anchor may need a glass of water.

Evan Baxter: [laughs like hyena, drinks, and clears throat] Oh, there we go. Sorry about that. In other news the Prime Minister of Sweden visited Washington today and my tiny little nipples went to France.
Director: What'd he just say? Check the prompter.
Technician: The prompter's fine.
Director: Evan, READ THE COPY. Please. The copy's good. Just read it.

Evan Baxter: The White House reception committee greeted the Prime Ribroast Minister and... I do the cha-cha like a sissy girl. I lik-a do da cha-cha. I'm sorry we seem to be having some technical difficulties. In other news
[breaks wind]
Evan Baxter: Ohhhh. My apologies. Bulla blah, bulla blabity bulla bla
[rapid unitelligible gibberish]


Evan Baxter: Blabity blab bulla blah
[explosive gibberish]
Evan Baxter: [continues for 35 seconds]
[vaguely Chinese]
Evan Baxter: Kaa kaa poo poo. PEE PEE
[nervous laugh]