Zombieland Quotes

Bill Murray: [dying] Is that how you say hello where you come from?
Columbus: Oh, my God. Oh, my God, I can't believe I shot Bill Murray.
Tallahassee: Mr. Murray?
Bill Murray: I'm just Bill, I think, now.
Tallahassee: Bill?
Bill Murray: Yeah?

Tallahassee: [pokes at Bill's wound] I don't think we're gonna be able to stitch this.
Bill Murray: Ah. That's still tender.
Tallahassee: You think you might pull through?
Bill Murray: No.
Columbus: If it means anything now, I am so sorry. It was just instinctive.
Bill

Murray: It was my bad. I was never a very good practical joker.
Little Rock: So do you have any regrets?
Bill Murray: "Garfield," maybe.

Tallahassee: Goddamn it, Bill fucking Murray! I had to get that out. I don't mean to gush. This is so surreal. I mean, you probably get this all the time. Maybe not lately, but I'm such a huge fan of yours. You know, I swear, I've seen every one of your movies a million times. I even loved your dramatic roles and just everything. Six people left in the world and one of them is

Bill fucking Murray. I know that's not your middle name. I've been watching you since I was like... Since I could masturbate. I mean, not that they're connected.

Tallahassee: [discovers Hostess truck filled with Sno-Balls] Sno-Balls? Sno-Balls? Sno Balls? Where's the fucking Twinkies?
Columbus: I love Sno-Balls.
Tallahassee: I hate coconut. Not the taste, consistency.
Columbus: [eats a Sno Ball] Fresh.
Tallahassee: Oh, this Twinkie thing, it

ain't over yet.

Tallahassee: [referring to Wichita and Little Rock, who previously hijacked them] They're in the back, aren't they?
Little Rock: [pops up holding shotgun] Just me.
Columbus: I'm really sorry. She was like a crouching tiger...
Tallahassee: You got taken hostage by a 12 year old?

Columbus: Well, girls mature faster than boys. She's way ahead of where I was at that age.
Little Rock: Twelve's the new twenty. Gun please.
Tallahassee: Like you would ever use that thing
[Little Rock shoots in the air]
Tallahassee: Don't kill me with my own gun.

Columbus: [Columbus and Wichita are drinking wine] 1997. Was that a good year?
Wichita: Yeah! 1997 was a great year! I saw my first R-rated movie... Anaconda. Got my first tattoo, a porpoise. Fake. Had my first kiss... Scotty Lynch.
Columbus: Did you guys...
[gestures with fingers]
Columbus: ...use

tongue?
Wichita: [laughs] Maybe. Why, are you jealous of Scotty Lynch?
Columbus: Yes. Actually, I think I'm jealous of your whole 1997. Let me see... I think... 1997 I had my first orthodontist appointment... bastard gave me headgear... I got my first B...
[Wichita laughs]
Columbus: ...almost as scary as Anaconda...

went to my first dance. Sadie Hawkins, so it was ladies' choice...
[pauses]
Wichita: And nobody picked you?
Columbus: Well, it was ladies' choice.
Wichita: [pauses in disbelief] ... No! Those bitches! No, I will not stand for this.
[stands, offers Columbus her hand]
Wichita: On behalf of

all the eighth grade girls, I would like to dance with you.
[Columbus looks at her, takes another swig of wine]
Wichita: Don't worry. Scotty's old news.

Little Rock: Have you heard about Pacific Playland? There are no zombies there.
Columbus: The amusement park?
Little Rock: Yep!
Tallahassee: That place totally blows!
[Little Rock and Wichita shoot Tallahassee angry looks]
Tallahassee: ... my mind. Just fun for the whole family.

Columbus: You know there's a place untouched by all this crap?
Tallahassee: Back east, yeah?
Columbus: Yeah. Yeah. You heard the same thing?
Tallahassee: Out west, we hear it's back east. Back east, they hear it's out west. It's all just nonsense. You know, you're like a penguin on the North Pole who hears the

South Pole is really nice this time of the year.
Columbus: There are no penguins on the North Pole.
Tallahassee: You wanna feel how hard I can punch?