Igor: You know, I'll never forget my old dad. When these things would happen to him... the things he'd say to me.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: What did he say?
Igor: "What the hell are you doing in the bathroom day and night? Why don't you get out of there and give someone else a chance?"
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: [to Igor] Now that brain that you gave me. Was it Hans Delbruck's?
Igor: [pause, then] No.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Ah! Very good. Would you mind telling me whose brain I DID put in?
Igor: Then you won't be angry?
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: I will NOT be
angry.
Igor: Abby someone.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: [pause, then] Abby someone. Abby who?
Igor: Abby... Normal.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: [pause, then] Abby Normal?
Igor: I'm almost sure that was the name.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: [chuckles, then]
Are you saying that I put an abnormal brain into a seven and a half foot long, fifty-four inch wide GORILLA?
[grabs Igor and starts throttling him]
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Is that what you're telling me?
Inga: Werewolf!
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Werewolf?
Igor: There.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: What?
Igor: There, wolf. There, castle.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Why are you talking that way?
Igor: I thought you wanted to.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: No, I don't want to.
Igor: [shrugs] Suit yourself. I'm easy.
[Froederick and Igor are exhuming a dead criminal]
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: What a filthy job.
Igor: Could be worse.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: How?
Igor: Could be raining.
[it starts to pour]
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: [Reading from his grandfathers' notebook] "As the minuteness of the parts formed a great hinderance to my speed, I resolved therefore to make a being of a gigantic stature."
[pause]
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Of course. That would simplify everything.
Inga: In other vords: his veins, his feet, his
hands, his organs vould all have to be increased in size.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Exactly.
Inga: He vould have an enormous schwanzstucker.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: That goes without saying.
Inga: Voof.
Igor: He's going to be very popular.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Love is the only thing that can save this poor creature, and I am going to convince him that he is loved even at the cost of my own life. No matter what you hear in there, no matter how cruelly I beg you, no matter how terribly I may scream, do not open this door or you will undo everything I have worked for. Do you understand? Do not open this door.
Inga: Yes, Doctor.
Igor: Nice working with ya.
[Dr. Frederick Frankenstein goes into the room with The Monster. The Monster wakes up]
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Let me out. Let me out of here. Get me the hell out of here. What's the matter with you people? I was joking! Don't you know a joke when you hear one?
HA-HA-HA-HA. Jesus Christ, get me out of here! Open this goddamn door or I'll kick your rotten heads in! Mommy!
Igor: What is this?
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Schwartzwalder Kirschtorte.
The Monster: [off-screen] MMMMMMM!
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Oh, do you like it? I'm not partial to desserts myself, but this is excellent.
Igor: Who are you talking to?
Dr. Frederick
Frankenstein: To you. You just made a yummy sound, so I thought you liked the dessert.
Igor: I didn't make a yummy sound, I just asked you what it is.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: But you did. I just heard it.
Igor: It wasn't me.
Inga: It wasn't me.
Dr. Frederick
Frankenstein: Well, now look here. If it wasn't you, and it wasn't you...
[he asks himself]
The Monster: [off-camera] Mmmmmm!
[from inside the haycart]
Inga: Hallo. Vould you like to have a roll in ze hay?
[Dr. Frankenstein stutters]
Inga: It's fun.
[She begins to roll in the hay]
Inga: Roll, roll, roll in ze hay.
[Frankenstein, Igor and Inga in front of HUGE castle doors]
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: What knockers.
Inga: Oh, thank you doctor.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: That music...
Frau Blücher: Yes. It's in your blood - it's in the blood of ALL Frankensteins. It reaches the soul when words are useless. Your grandfather used to play it to the creature HE vas making.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Then it was you all the time.
Frau Blücher: Yes.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: You played that music in the middle of the night...
Frau Blücher: Yes.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: ...to get us to the laboratory.
Frau Blücher: Yes.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: That was YOUR cigar smoldering in the ashtray.
Frau
Blücher: Yes.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: And it was you... who left my grandfather's book out for me to find.
Frau Blücher: Yes.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: So that I would...
Frau Blücher: Yes.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Then you and Victor were...
Frau Blücher: YES. YES. Say it. He vas my... BOYFRIEND.
Frau Blücher: Good night, Herr Doktor.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Good night, Frau Blücher.
[horses whinny]
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Damn your eyes.
Igor: [to camera] Too late.
[after failing to bring the creature to life]
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Nothing.
Inga: Oh, Doctor, I'm sorry.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: No. No. Be of good cheer. If science teaches us anything, it teaches us to accept our failures, as well as our successes, with quiet dignity and grace.
[starts beating up the
creature]
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Son of a bitch! Bastard! I'll get you for this! What did you do to me? What did you do to me.
Inga: Stop it! Stop that! Stop it! You'll kill him!
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: I don't want to live. I do not want to live.
Igor: Quiet dignity and grace
[rolls
eyes]
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Oh... mama...