Wild Wild West Quotes

Dr. Arliss Loveless: Mister West! How nice of you to join us tonight and add COLOR to these monochromatic proceedings!
Capt. James West: Well when a fella comes back from the dead, I find that an occasion to STAND UP and be counted!
Dr. Arliss Loveless: Miss East informs me that you were expectin' to see General McGrath here. Well, I

knew him years ago, but I haven't seen him in a COON's age!
Capt. James West: Well, I can see where it'd be difficult for a man of your stature to keep in touch with even HALF the people you know.
Dr. Arliss Loveless: Well, perhaps the lovely Miss East will keep you from bein' a SLAVE to your disappointment!
Capt. James West:

Well, you know beautiful women; they encourage you one minute, and CUT THE LEGS OUT from under you the next!

Artemus Gordon: She's a breath of fresh ass.
Capt. James West: Pardon me?
Artemus Gordon: What?
Capt. James West: You said "ass."
Artemus Gordon: No, I didn't. I said, "It's nice having her on board, she's a breast of fresh air."
Capt. James West: Let's just get

some shut ass.

Capt. James West: Gordon, what's your plan for getting this thing off my neck?
Artemus Gordon: Excuse me?
Capt. James West: Well, that's what you're here for, right? You're the master of this mechanical stuff.
Artemus Gordon: [chuckling maniacally] Oh ho ho, I see. *Now* I'm the "master of this mechanical

stuff." As opposed to five minutes ago, when I was calmly and coolly trying to find a solution to this very problem. But then something happened. Someone, who will remain nameless...
[throws back his head and shouts]
Artemus Gordon: JIM WEST!
["Jim West" echoes through the canyon]
Artemus Gordon: ...decided to jump over the wire,

thereby providing us with that exhilarating romp through the cornfield, and that death-defying leap into the abysmal muck! And here we stand, with that demented maniac hurtling towards our President, with our one and only means of transportation, with Rita as his prisoner, armed with God-knows-what machinery of mass destruction, with the simple intention of overthrowing our government and taking

over the country!
Capt. James West: Gordon, I think you need to calm down.
Artemus Gordon: I can't be calm! Oh, no, no, no, no, I'm the "Master of the Mechanical Stuff"! And I have to help you! You, the master of the STUPID STUFF! You want to get your collar off? I'll get it off!
[waves his empty hand]
Artemus Gordon: I

don't have a gun, otherwise I'd shoot it off!
[grabs a rock]
Artemus Gordon: Here, here's something! In the true Jim West style, I'll just bash it with a rock!
Capt. James West: Gordon, you don't want to do that...
Artemus Gordon: Oh, but I do!
[does so]

Capt. James West: Loveless has kidnapped metallurgists, so whatever he's building is going to have armor. He's kidnapped chemists, so it'll have explosives. And you've said that Rita's father is the biggest expert on hydraulics in the world, so it's going to move. What could he be building that will make the president surrender the U.S. Goverment?
Artemus

Gordon: A bedside heater.
Capt. James West: What?
Artemus Gordon: Rita. She could use a bedside heater. It gets rather cold back there.

Dr. Arliss Loveless: Why y'all look like you've seen a ghost? It's me, dear friends - alive and kicking! Well, alive, anyway. We may have lost the war, but heaven knows we haven't lost our sense of humor! No, not even when we've lost a lung, a spleen, a bladder, two legs, thirty-five feet of small intestine, and our ability to reproduce - all in the name of the South! - do we EVER

LOSE OUR SENSE OF HUMOR!

Dr. Arliss Loveless: Rita, my dear. Not that I'm ungrateful to providence for bringing you back, but I have to confess - I'm just a little bit curious as to how you managed to wind up with them.
Rita Escobar: Well, they seemed so sure that they could find you, I thought if I stayed with them, they'd bring me back to all my friends.
[In a low voice]

Rita Escobar: Not to give you a big head, but, I kind of missed you.
Dr. Arliss Loveless: Well, isn't that a coincidence? Cos, I kinda miss me too!

Artemus Gordon: I've been trying to place myself in Loveless' shoes.
Capt. James West: Good luck with that one.
Artemus Gordon: What could this demented maniac with no reproductive organs, want with Rita?
Artemus Gordon: [Rita falls through the train's sliding roof, beside West, unseen by Gordon] Which is not

to say Rita doesn't possess a beauty worthy of a Shakespeare sonnet or a Botticelli painting. My god, the curvature of her buttocks and the swell of that magnificent bosom. So full, so sumptous, so...
Artemus Gordon: [turns and notices Rita] ... what were all those foreign ministers doing at Loveless' party? This is what really puzzles me, did you have any idea there were

so many, so foreign, so...
[quietly to West]
Artemus Gordon: How long has she been here?
Capt. James West: Somewhere around Botticelli's buttocks.
Artemus Gordon: I am profoundly sorry.

President Grant: Gentlemen, you'll be happy to know that I'm starting a new agency, whose sole purpose is the protection of the President. Welcome to the Secret Service, Agents Number One, and Number Two.
Artemus Gordon: Thank you, Mr. President.
[pause]
Artemus Gordon: Sir, if you don't mind my asking, which of us is Number

One and which is Number Two?
President Grant: I don't think that really matters, Gordon, do you?
Artemus Gordon: Not if you don't, sir.