W. C. Fields
W. C. Fields

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.

W. C. Fields
W. C. Fields

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

W. C. Fields
W. C. Fields

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.

W. C. Fields
W. C. Fields

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

W. C. Fields
W. C. Fields

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

W. C. Fields
W. C. Fields

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.

W. C. Fields
W. C. Fields

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

W. C. Fields
W. C. Fields

Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.

W. C. Fields
W. C. Fields

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

W. C. Fields
W. C. Fields

I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.

W. C. Fields
W. C. Fields

Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.

W. C. Fields
W. C. Fields

Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.

W. C. Fields
W. C. Fields

It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.

W. C. Fields
W. C. Fields

Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.

W. C. Fields
W. C. Fields

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

W. C. Fields
W. C. Fields

Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one.

W. C. Fields
W. C. Fields

Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink.

W. C. Fields
W. C. Fields

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.

W. C. Fields
W. C. Fields

I like children - fried.

W. C. Fields
W. C. Fields

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.