Tropic Thunder Quotes

Les Grossman: First, take a big step back... and literally, FUCK YOUR OWN FACE! I don't know what kind of pan-pacific bullshit power play you're trying to pull here, but Asia Jack is my territory. So whatever you're thinking, you'd better think again! Otherwise I'm gonna have to head down there and I will rain down an un-Godly fucking firestorm upon you! You're gonna have to call

the fucking United Nations and get a fucking binding resolution to keep me from fucking destroying you. I'm talking scorched earth, motherfucker! I will massacre you! I WILL FUCK YOU UP!

Kirk Lazarus: Everybody knows you never go full retard.
Tugg Speedman: What do you mean?
Kirk Lazarus: Check it out. Dustin Hoffman, 'Rain Man,' look retarded, act retarded, not retarded. Counted toothpicks, cheated cards. Autistic, sho'. Not retarded. You know Tom Hanks, 'Forrest Gump.' Slow, yes. Retarded, maybe. Braces on his

legs. But he charmed the pants off Nixon and he won a ping-pong competition. That ain't retarded. He was a goddamn war hero. You know any retarded war heroes? You went full retard, man. Never go full retard. You don't buy that? Ask Sean Penn, 2001, "I Am Sam." Remember? Went full retard, went home empty-handed.

[Jeff, Kirk, and Kevin have just learned Alpa is gay]
Jeff Portnoy: [Tied to a tree and going through cocaine withdrawals] Alpa, if you untie me, I will literally suck your dick, right now.
Alpa Chino: Man, I told you for the last time, I love tha pussy!
Jeff Portnoy: I'll cradle the balls, stroke the shaft, work the pipe, and

swallow the gravy. Get it over here, buddy. Let's do this.

Alpa Chino: No, I always wanted to. I guess I just never had the courage to ask. It's complicated.
Kirk Lazarus: Nah! It's simple as pie man: you plant your feet on the ground, you look her square in the eyes you say "Hey! baby, you and me's goin' on a date, that's the end of the story". What's her name?
Alpa Chino: ...Lance

Kirk Lazarus: You say 'Listen here, Lance'... Lance? What the fuck did I just hear? Lance?
Kevin Sandusky: Did you just say Lance?
Alpa Chino: No! I said Nance. That's what I said, Nance.
Kevin Sandusky: It sounded like Lance.
Alpa Chino: Dammit, I'm Alpa Chino! 'I Love Tha Pussy',

aight? Lay yo ass back down and look at the stars.
Kirk Lazarus: When you wrote 'I Love Tha Pussy', was you thinking about danglin your dice on Lance's forehead?

Tugg Speedman: There were times while I was playing Jack where I felt...
[pause]
Tugg Speedman: ...retarded. Like, really retarded.
Kirk Lazarus: Damn!
Tugg Speedman: In a weird way I had to sort of just free myself up to believe that is was ok to be stupid or dumb.
Kirk Lazarus:

To be a moron.
Tugg Speedman: Yeah!
Kirk Lazarus: To be moronical.
Tugg Speedman: Exactly, to be a moron.
Kirk Lazarus: An imbecile.
Tugg Speedman: Yeah!
Kirk Lazarus: Like the dumbest mother fucker that ever lived.
Tugg Speedman:

[pause] When I was playing the character.

Alpa Chino: And why am I in this movie? Maybe it's because I just knew I had to represent, because they had one good part in here for a black man and they gave it to Crocodile Dundee!
Kirk Lazarus: Pump your brakes, kid. That man's a national treasure.
Alpa Chino: I just wanted to thrown another shrimp on your barbie!

Kirk Lazarus: That shit ain't funny.
Kevin Sandusky: Hey, fellas... it's hot! We're tired! It stinks!
Alpa Chino: I ain't fuckin' with you, Kangaroo Jack. I'm sorry the dingo ate your baby!
Kirk Lazarus: You know that's a true story? Lady lost a kid. You're about to cross some fuckin' lines.

Kevin Sandusky: Guys, relax!
Alpa Chino: You know what? Fuck that, man! I'm sick of this koala-huntin' nigga tellin' me-
[is cut off as Lazarus slaps him; goes to punch back]
Kirk Lazarus: [blocking the punch and pulling Alpa into an embrace] For four hundred years, that word has kept us down.
Alpa

Chino: What the fuck?
Kirk Lazarus: Took a whole lotta tryin' just to get up that hill. Now we're up in the big leagues, gettin' our turn at bat. As long as we live, it's you and me, baby...
Alpa Chino: [pulling away] That's the theme song to The Jeffersons. Man, you really need help.
Kirk Lazarus: Just because it's a

theme song don't mean it's not true.

Kirk Lazarus: You gonna focus up now, motherfucker and say it! "It's me, Tugg!"
Tugg Speedman: It's Me Tugg.
Kirk Lazarus: That's right! Now, Tugg who?
Tugg Speedman: Tugg who? I don't know. Who are you?
Kirk Lazarus: Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another

dude.
Kevin Sandusky: What?
Kirk Lazarus: You a dude that don't know what dude he is!
Tugg Speedman: Or are you a dude who has no idea what dude he is and claims to know what dude he is...
Jeff Portnoy: What the fuck are you guys talking about?
Tugg Speedman: ...by playing other

dudes.
Kirk Lazarus: I know what dude I am!
Tugg Speedman: You're scared.
Kirk Lazarus: I ain't scared. Scared of what?
Tugg Speedman: Or scared of who?
Kirk Lazarus: Scared of who!
Kevin Sandusky: Come on guys. We really need to go!
Tugg

Speedman: Scared of you!

Tugg Speedman: The dudes are emerging...
Kirk Lazarus: [in black voice] He's right, you know? I'm NOT Sergeant Lincoln Osiris...
[rips off fake hair to reveal blonde hair]
Kirk Lazarus: [in Irish accent while taking fake sideburns off] ... nor am I Father O'Mallie...
Kirk Lazarus: [in low growl voice,

while removing fake beard] ... or Neil Armstrong...
[Removes contact lenses to reveal blue eyes underneath]
Kirk Lazarus: [in natural Australian accent] I... I think I might be nobody.
Kevin Sandusky: Wow! The insecurity level with you guys is ridiculous!

Studio Executive Rob Slolom: Wow. 8 Oscars, 400 million dollars, and you saved Tugg Speedman's career.
Les Grossman: I couldn't have done it without you.
Studio Executive Rob Slolom: Really?
Les Grossman: No, dickhead. Of course I could. A nutless monkey could do your job. Now, go get drunk and take credit at

all the parties.
Studio Executive Rob Slolom: I wouldn't do that.
Les Grossman: Ah... joking.
Studio Executive Rob Slolom: Ah, there he is! Funny. You're a funny guy.
Les Grossman: Yeah. But seriously, a nutless monkey could do your job.

Jeff Portnoy: Hey, Radar. Elvins.
Kevin Sandusky: It's Kevin.
Jeff Portnoy: Kev - whatever the fuck, come over here. I didn't tell you, but Fatties Fart 3 is coming down the pike and there's a role in there for you if you come over and untie me.
Kevin Sandusky: Jeff, you're just going to have to tough it out.

Jeff Portnoy: Your mother's a cankerous whore!
Kevin Sandusky: Jesus, man!
Jeff Portnoy: Hey, man, remember way back when I said your mother was a cankerous whore? I'm sorry, man. I did not mean that. She's not.