Top Gear
Top Gear

Richard Hammond: [Talking about the Ford GT's poor fuel economy and the fact that Jeremy is getting one] And actually, 17 and a half gallon tank. 4... 4 miles to the gallon, how far does that mean you will be able to go in your car before you ran out of petrol?
Jeremy Clarkson: 75 miles.
Richard Hammond: 75 miles?

Jeremy Clarkson: Yeah.
Richard Hammond: Well, how far then do you live, for instance, from the Top Gear office?
Jeremy Clarkson: 76 miles.

Top Gear
Top Gear

James May: [while driving a Bugatti Veyron over 240 mph] It's no wonder Michael Schumacher retired. He's slower than me!

Top Gear
Top Gear

[repeated line, usually spoken before an experiment that goes spectacularly wrong]
Jeremy Clarkson: How hard can it be?

Top Gear
Top Gear

Jeremy Clarkson: If this were America, it would be full of people doing... whatever it is they do. Incest, mostly, I think.

Top Gear
Top Gear

James May: What's the Norwegian for "Oh, cock"?

Top Gear
Top Gear

James May: What's the point. You can't powerslide lorries anyway.
Richard Hammond: Technically, you can't powerslide anything.

Top Gear
Top Gear

[after Richard and James just tested the "Cottage S-Class", a Mercedes S-Class Jeremy has modified to look like the inside of his house including a concrete floor with wood paneling, and indoor chairs]
Jeremy Clarkson: This is the safest car in the world.
Richard Hammond: I've got a scar!
James May: I've got bruised ribs and a

badly barked shin!
Jeremy Clarkson: Listen. You see these endless crash test footage of cars being thumped into concrete blocks and the concrete blocks are never damaged. This is a concrete block!
James May: I would very happily drive this into a concrete block. Turning around on some corners was really dangerous!
Richard

Hammond: And another thing. Why did you polish the wooden floor? I was all woo -
[imitates sliding action]
Jeremy Clarkson: Look! The brilliance of this car is that you're never going fast enough to properly hurt yourself!
Richard Hammond: You're never going fast enough to get where you're going!
James May:

Yeah, zero to sixty in, what was it, forty-five seconds.
Jeremy Clarkson: How safe is that?
Richard Hammond: Have you ever been in a dining room going sixty miles an hour?
James May: Do you want me to show what it feels like to get hit in the back of the head with a wingback chair?
Jeremy Clarkson:

Look! The problem is taste, okay.
[points to Richard]
Jeremy Clarkson: If we built a car to look like the inside of your house, it would have a horse in it!
[points to James]
Jeremy Clarkson: And you. Your house is just full of pictures of the Queen.

Top Gear
Top Gear

Jeremy Clarkson: For me, the best supercar is the Ford GT. I like it so much, I actually bought this one twice.
Richard Hammond: You bought it twice because it kept breaking down and you sent it back!

Top Gear
Top Gear

Richard Hammond: I have not had my teeth whitened!

Top Gear
Top Gear

Richard Hammond: [referring to the failed Reliant Robin shuttle launch] To be fair, it was only one bolt that let us down.
Jeremy Clarkson: It was only one iceberg that sank the Titanic!

Top Gear
Top Gear

Jeremy Clarkson: [repeated pattern of introducing the Power Lap segment] Now it is time to see how fast this car goes round our track, and that, of course, means handing it over to our tame racing driver. Some say that
[absurd fact #1]
Jeremy Clarkson: . Or that
[absurd fact #2]
Jeremy Clarkson: . All we know is, he's

called The Stig.

Top Gear
Top Gear

Richard Hammond: [when test driving a Bowler Wildcat] I am a driving god!

Top Gear
Top Gear

Richard Hammond: [talking about the Ford GT] How much time have you spent in petrol stations on the way here?
Jeremy Clarkson: Look, the fact of the matter is, Richard, I prefer to spend my money on petrol than on teeth whitening.
Richard Hammond: I have not had my teeth whitened!

Top Gear
Top Gear

Jeremy Clarkson: [while driving McClaren SLR into the Eurotunnel train] I wonder what's the fastest anyone's ever driven inside the Eurotunnel.
Jeremy Clarkson: [Drives faster] NO. No no no. Grow up.

Top Gear
Top Gear

[repeated line when a problem becomes persistent]
Jeremy Clarkson: Oh, for God's sake!

Top Gear
Top Gear

Jeremy Clarkson: Anyway, first award is injury of the year. The nominations are Richard in our "headhammer thrust i-eagle geoff".
[Show a scene where the boys do a crash test on their own electric car which was built by themselves]
James May: Jeremy making paintball art.
[a scene where Jeremy is being shot at his balls by a paintball which was

being fired from the exhaust of an F1 car]
Richard Hammond: And James on a gang plank in Bolivia.
[a scene where James trip on a plank hurting his balls as he was walking on the plank that leads to the boat]

Top Gear
Top Gear

Jeremy Clarkson: [about Ferrari Enzo] I rang up Jay Kay, who's got one, and said, "You know, can we borrow yours?" and he said, "Yeah, if I can borrow your daughter, because it amounts to the same thing."

Top Gear
Top Gear

Jeremy Clarkson: [When driving the McLaren Mercedes SLR through a tunnel] When they debate as to what the sound of the SLR engine was akin to, the British engineers from McLaren said it sounded like a Spitfire. But the German engineers from Mercedes said "Nein! Nein! Sounds like a Messerschmitt!" They were both wrong. It sounds like the God of Thunder, gargling with nails.

Top Gear
Top Gear

[Repeated line - end of episode]
Jeremy Clarkson: On that bombshell it's time to end.

Top Gear
Top Gear

Richard Hammond: I am not moonlighting as the editor of a gay magazine!