Life is like a piano. What you get out of it depends on how you play it.
Apart from that Mrs Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?
Bad weather always looks worse through a window.
It is a sobering thought that when Mozart was my age, he had been dead for two years.
Life is like a sewer: what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
Political satire became obsolete when they awarded Henry Kissinger the Nobel Peace Prize.
I went from adolescence to senility, trying to bypass maturity.
I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!
If a person feels he can't communicate, the least he can do is shut up about it.
I have always found it interesting... that there are people who regard copyright infringement as a form of flattery.
I wish people who have trouble communicating would just shut up.
If, after hearing my songs, just one human being is inspired to say something nasty to a friend or, perhaps to strike a loved one, it will all have been worth the while.
Irreverence is easy - what's hard is wit.
The Army has carried the American ideal to its logical conclusion. Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed and color, but also on ability.
The real issues I don't think most people touch. The Clinton jokes are all about Monica Lewinsky and all that stuff and not about the important things, like the fact that he wouldn't ban landmines.
Laughter is involuntary. If it's funny you laugh.
I stopped performing because I don't have the temperament of a performer. You have to want to do the same thing over and over again. Once I got it right, I didn't want to do it again. I always use the analogy of a novelist who has to read his novel in public night after night. I just didn't want to do it.
I always prided myself on at least trying to be literate and use the right words, and if the audience didn't get it, then they could go home and look it up.
I didn't feel the need for anonymous affection, for people in the dark applauding. To me, it would be like writing a novel and then getting up every night and reading your novel. Everything I did is on the record and, if you want to hear it, just listen to the record.
It is sobering to consider that when Mozart was my age he had already been dead for a year.
