Danny McBride: Hermione just stole all of our shit. And then Jay suggested that we all rape her and now she's gone. I think the only reason why he did that is because Jay knows he's about fucking two minutes away from becoming the house bitch himself.
Jay Baruchel: Guys, listen listen. I think we need to address the elephant in the room
Seth Rogen: Whoa, Jay, don't talk about Craig like that.
Craig Robinson: That's fucked up. I'm right here man.
Jay Baruchel: I'm not calling Craig an elephant.
James Franco: That's racist.
Jay Baruchel: I say unto the... the power of Christ compels you!
Possessed Jonah Hill: Oh, does it? Does it compel me?
Jay Baruchel: The power of Christ compels you!
Possessed Jonah Hill: Does it, Jay?
Jay Baruchel: The power of Christ compels you!
Possessed Jonah
Hill: Is the power of Christ compelling me? Is that what's happening?
Jay Baruchel: The power of Christ compels you!
Possessed Jonah Hill: Guess what? It's not that compelling.
[Rogen and McBride are digging through the floor of Franco's house when Franco storms through the second floor hallway, carrying his prop gun and a porno magazine]
James Franco: Who did this? Who did this?
Seth Rogen: Did what? What are you talking about?
James Franco: Jizzed all over the pages of this nice magazine I was nice
enough to tell you about. Was it you, Seth?
Danny McBride: [Raises hand] It was me, Franco. I fuckin' made jizz in your magazine.
James Franco: Why?
Danny McBride: When I fuckin' jack off long enough, I end up jizzin', dude. I'm assuming, the same shit works for you?
James Franco: Real fuckin' smart
answer! Why don't you fuckin' aim, huh?
Danny McBride: I have a particularly explosive ejaculate. It just goes everywhere. It's like a fuckin' wild fireman's hose - you just got to grab on and pray to God it doesn't get into your eyes or your mouth.
James Franco: What the fuck kind of jerking off is that? What, you never had any brothers? You never
learned to jizz in a fuckin' sock or on a fuckin' tissue?
Danny McBride: No, I don't have any brothers, I was raised in a house of women!
James Franco: I highly doubt they fuckin' taught you to fuckin' close your eyes and fuckin' cum wherever the fuck you want!
Danny McBride: I mean, you're getting all worked up over a fuckin'
porno mag! Who has goddamn porno mags anymore? Welcome to the twenty-first century, Buck Rogers! You designed a house with fuckin' iPads in the walls, yet, you're jerkin' your dick like a goddamn pilgrim!
James Franco: That's right, man. I like to fuckin' read!
Danny McBride: You think that's the only thing I jerk off on in here? I've been dropping
off loads around this fuckin' house like a goddamn dump truck.
James Franco: You don't cum on my stuff!
Danny McBride: I'll cum wherever the fuck I want, James! I'll fuckin' cum in your kitchen, I'll cum on your fuckin' art, I'll cum anywhere I want!
James Franco: I will fuckin' cum right on you! I will cum like a fuckin'
madman all over you, McBride!
Danny McBride: Ooh! I fuckin' wish you'd cum on me right now! I fuckin' dare you to cum on me!
[Both exchange masturbation gestures at each other]
Danny McBride: [Grabbing baseball bat between his legs] I'm gonna jack my dick so fuckin' hard in here!
James Franco: This, no more, man! All
over your fuckin' face!
Danny McBride: All over the fuckin' floor, all over the fuckin' place! I'll fuckin' cum anywhere I want! I'll fuckin' cum on these walls, I'll cum on the fuckin' cabinets, on the fuckin' furniture, I'll cum everywhere!
James Franco: If I see your dick one more time, I'm gonna fuckin' shoot it off!
Danny
McBride: You don't have enough bullets, bitch!
James Franco: I got to admit something... I fucked Lindsay Lohan. She was fucked up, she was high. It was at the Chateau Marmont. She kept banging on my door. She kept calling me Jake Gyllenhaal. I said... call me the prince of Persia.
[Taking inventory of the food and supplies at James Franco's house]
Seth Rogen: We got 12 bottles of water, 56 beers, two vodkas, four whiskeys, six bottles of wine, tequila, Nutella, cheese, pizza, eggs, bananas, apples, bacon, steaks, pancake mix, C.T. Crunch, milk, ketchup, a Milky Way, half-ounce Sour Diesel, 3 1/2 grams Grand Master Kush, one ounce of 'shrooms, 15
pills of ecstasy, a porno mag, a baseball bat, and the video camera from the movie 27 Hours.
James Franco: [correcting Seth] '127 Hours'.
Seth Rogen: Uh, 127 Hours. And a functioning revolver from the movie 'Flyboys'.
Danny McBride: [Rapture light appears] What the fuck?
James Franco: Go to hell, McBride! Fuck you! Haha. Suck my dick!
[Rapture light disappears]
[an armored RV crashes into James Franco's Toyota Prius, slightly injuring Franco, Seth Rogen, and Jay Baruchel. A bunch of cannibals from the RV pulls all three of them out from the totaled car and starts to attack them]
Santa Cannibal: [yells] Yo, cut his fuckin' head off!
[chainsaw revs up; James, Seth, and Jay screams]
Danny McBride: [on
loudspeaker] STOP!
[Danny McBride, leader of the cannibals, steps out of his RV with a marijuana joint in one hand and a dog's leash in the other]
Jay Baruchel: Danny?
Danny McBride: [shocked] What the fuck? You guys are still alive?
Seth Rogen: Yeah!
Danny McBride: Holy shit, I didn't expect
that.
[tugging on the leash, a gimp, who reveals to be Channing Tatum, jumps out from the RV]
Danny McBride: Get...
[Danny pulls Channing over to him]
Jay Baruchel: Oh, Jesus.
Danny McBride: Shit, I can't believe you guys are here. That's fucking crazy, and your timing couldn't be more perfect. It's been a long
time since any of us have eaten, and you three gentlemen look delicious.
Jay Baruchel: [confused] What does that have to do with us?
James Franco: What the fuck are you talking about?
Danny McBride: [chuckles] I'm a cannibal, hombre. We're gonna fuckin' eat your ass.
Seth Rogen: Fuck you, you can't eat
us. Fuck that, man!
Danny McBride: I do whatever the fuck I want, whenever I want. I butt-fucked this dude.
[Channing drops down doggy-style]
Danny McBride: See that? I fuckin' slide right in that shit. I do whatever I want. This is my gimp. Channing, introduce yourself.
Channing Tatum: [takes his mask off] Hey, what's
up, guys? Y'all cool?
James Franco: That's Channing Tatum.
Seth Rogen: That's Channing Tatum, dude. What the fuck?
Danny McBride: Channing fucking Tatum. I found him wandering on the freeway. I collected him, made him my bitch
[Channing rubs Danny's crotch, but Danny shoves his hand away]
Danny
McBride: Get off my dick. I call him Channing "Tate-yum".
James Franco: Hardcore, man.
Jonah Hill: Um, can I have that Milky Way?
James Franco: No, you can't have the Milky Way. That's my Milky Way. I went out this morning and specifically bought this Milky Way to eat after my party.
Jay Baruchel: That's weird.
James Franco: It's not weird, it's my special food, I like it. Back me up on that,
Seth.
Seth Rogen: I don't think you should get the whole Milky Way. I want some of the Milky Way.
Craig Robinson: I'd be pretty bummed if I don't at least get a bite of the Milky Way.
James Franco: Oh, now Craig wants a bite of the Milky Way.
Craig Robinson: Yeah, I want a bite of the Milky Way! It's a
fucking Milky Way.
Jay Baruchel: A fifth of everything is what's fair and reasonable.
Seth Rogen: Everyone gets a fifth of everything.
James Franco: [to Craig] I want one fifth of your t-shirt!