Jordan Belfort: Let me tell you something. There's no nobility in poverty. I have been a rich man and I have been a poor man. And I choose rich every fuckin' time. Because, at least as a rich man, when I have to face my problems, I show up in the back of the limo, wearing a $2000 suit and a $40,000 gold fuckin' watch.
Jordan Belfort: My name is Jordan Belfort. I'm a former member of the middle class raised by two accountants in a tiny apartment in Bayside, Queens. The year I turned 26, as the head of my own brokerage firm, I made $49 million, which really pissed me off because it was three shy of a million a week.
Jordan Belfort: On a daily basis I consume enough drugs to sedate Manhattan, Long Island, and Queens for a month. I take Quaaludes 10-15 times a day for my "back pain", Adderall to stay focused, Xanax to take the edge off, pot to mellow me out, cocaine to wake me back up again, and morphine... Well, because it's awesome. But of all the drugs under God's blue heaven, here is one
that is my absolute favourite. See, enough of this shit will make you invincible - able to concur the world. And eviscerate your enemies.
[Sniffs cocaine]
Jordan Belfort: And I'm not talking about this... I'm talking about this.
[Shows 100$]
Mark Hanna: You gotta stay relaxed. Do you jerk off?
Jordan Belfort: What? Do I jerk off? Yeah. Yeah, I jerk off. Yeah.
Mark Hanna: How many times a week?
Jordan Belfort: Like, um, three or four. Three or four times, maybe five.
Mark Hanna: Gotta pump those numbers up. Those are rookie
numbers in this racket. I myself, I jerk off at least twice a day.
Jordan Belfort: Wow.
Mark Hanna: Once in the morning, right after I work out. And then once right after lunch.
Jordan Belfort: Really?
Mark Hanna: I want to. That's not why I do it. I do it cause I fuckin' need to.
Jordan Belfort: People say shit... I mean like, you married your cousin or some stupid shit.
Donnie Azoff: Yeah, my wife is my cousin or whatever, but it's not like what you think.
Jordan Belfort: Is she like, a first cousin?
Donnie Azoff: Her father is the brother of my mom. Like, we grew up together, and she
grew up hot, you know, she fucking grew up hot. And all my friends are trying to fuck her, you know, and I'm not gonna let one of these assholes fuck my cousin. So I used the cousin thing, as like, an in with her. I'm not like, gonna let someone else fuck my cousin, you know? If anyone's gonna fuck my cousin, it's gonna be me. Out of respect.
Jordan Belfort: You want a beer, pal?
Donnie Azoff: What are you drinkin'?
Jordan Belfort: I got this non-alcoholic shit...
Donnie Azoff: What's that?
Jordan Belfort: It's like a non-alcoholic beer. It's got no... no alcohol.
Donnie Azoff: It's a beer?
Jordan Belfort: Yeah, with no alcohol.
Donnie Azoff: But, you drink enough and... you drink a lot and it'll get you fucked up?
Jordan Belfort: No, there's no alcohol. That's the fuckin' point.
Donnie Azoff: I'm not a scientist; I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. I can get you beer if you want
fuckin' beer.
Jordan Belfort: I know, but I don't drink, remember? I don't drink anymore.
Donnie Azoff: What, you wanna go inside and blow some lines of baking powder, baking soda? Can't imagine ever not enjoying getting fucked up. I love it.
Jordan Belfort: Yeah...
Donnie Azoff: How's being sober?
Jordan Belfort: It fuckin' sucks.
Donnie Azoff: Boring, right?
Jordan Belfort: So boring. I'm gonna kill myself.
Donnie Azoff: How much money you make?
Jordan Belfort: $70,000 last month.
Donnie Azoff: Get the fuck outta here!
Jordan Belfort: Well, technically, $72,000 last month.
Donnie Azoff: You show me a pay stub for $72,000, I quit my job right now and work for you.
[later, on the
phone]
Donnie Azoff: Hey Paulie, what's up? No, everything's fine. Hey, listen, I quit!
Jordan Belfort: I heard some stupid shit. I... I didn't even want to bring it up. It's just... stupid.
Donnie Azoff: Shit with me?
Jordan Belfort: You know, just... people say shit. I don't even know. I don't even listen to it half the time.
Donnie Azoff: What do they say?
Jordan
Belfort: Shit about you and your cousin or something like that. I don't even listen to it. It doesn't even...
Donnie Azoff: No... it's not like that. It's not like that.
Jordan Belfort: You know what I mean? Like you married your cousin or some stupid shit, you know?
Donnie Azoff: Yeah, my wife... yeah, my wife is my
cousin or whatever. But it's not like what you think or whatever, you know...
Jordan Belfort: Is she like a... first cousin, or is she...
Donnie Azoff: Yeah, no. She... you know, her... her father is the... is the brother of my mom.
Jordan Belfort: Mhm.
Donnie Azoff: It's not like... Look. We grew up
together, and she grew up hot, you know. She fuckin' grew up hot and all of my friends were trying to fuck her, you know, and I wasn't... I'm not gonna let someone, you know, one of these assholes fuck my cousin. So I, you know, used the cousin thing as like... like an in with her. I'm not gonna let someone else fuck my cousin, you know? If anyone is gonna fuck my cousin it's gonna be me, out
of... out of respect, you know?
Jordan Belfort: No, I get it, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, you're not afraid of like the whole kid thing, right? Like the whole...
Donnie Azoff: What, if the kid's retarded?
Jordan Belfort: Yeah.
Donnie Azoff: No, we have two kids.
Jordan Belfort: And
they're... I mean, I don't want to get personal or anything, but are they okay?
Donnie Azoff: No, they're not retarded or anything like that...
Jordan Belfort: But there's a big chance, right? The whole...
Donnie Azoff: Yeah, there's like a 60 percent, you know... 60, 65 percent chance the kid's gonna be fuckin' retarded or
whatever...
Jordan Belfort: That'd scare the shit out of me, buddy.
Donnie Azoff: Look, man... a lot of having a kid or whatever takes risk, whether you're fuckin' cousins or not, you know...
Jordan Belfort: What if... what if you... I mean, what if something like that happened?
Donnie Azoff: Well,
basically, you know, if the kid was retarded I would... I would, you know, drive it up to the country and just like, you know, open the door and let it... say "You're free now!" You know? Like, "Run free!" You know?
Jordan Belfort: Brad, show them how it's done. Sell me that pen. Watch. Go on.
Brad: You want me to sell you this fucking pen?
Jordan Belfort: That's my boy right there. Can fucking sell anything.
Brad: Why don't you do me a favor. Write your name down on that napkin for me.
Jordan
Belfort: I don't have a pen.
Brad: Exactly. Supply and demand, my friend.
Jordan Belfort: [Wakes up on plane; finds he is restrained by a seatbelt across his chest] Oh, Jesus Christ. Fuck. Donnie. Donnie, this isn't... this isn't funny, you gotta untie me, buddy.
Donnie Azoff: I can't untie you! The captain tied you up, he almost fuckin' tasered you!
Jordan Belfort: Why?
Donnie
Azoff: Why? You were, like, screaming at people. You were on the floor rollin' around and shit.
Jordan Belfort: Oh, Jesus.
Donnie Azoff: You called the captain the n-word.
Jordan Belfort: I called the captain the n-word?
Donnie Azoff: Yeah, he was very upset.
Jordan
Belfort: Really?
Donnie Azoff: Luckily we're in first class. Jesus Christ. I think you have a fuckin' drug problem.
Max Belfort: $430,000 in one month, Jordy. Huh?
Jordan Belfort: They're business expenses.
Max Belfort: Jordy, look what you've got here. Look at this! $26,000 for one fucking dinner!
Jordan Belfort: No, no, this can be explained. Dad, we had clients, Pfizer clients. Champagne.
Nicky
Koskoff: The porterhouse from Argentina.
Jordan Belfort: Expensive champagne and the what, we had to buy champagne.
[to Donnie]
Jordan Belfort: And you brought in all the sides... Tell him about the sides.
Donnie Azoff: I ordered the sides, so...
Max Belfort: Sides? Sides? $26,000 worth
of sides? What are these sides? They cure cancer?
Donnie Azoff: The sides did cure cancer, that's the problem, that's why they were so expensive.
Jordan Belfort: [bursting into laughter] Shut the fuck up!
Donnie Azoff: I'm serious.
Jordan Belfort: [holding his child] Does Daddy get a kiss from both of his little girls?
Naomi Lapaglia: Oh, no. No, Daddy doesn't even get to touch Mommy for a very, very... very long time.
Jordan Belfort: Daddy's really sorry about what he said in the other room, he didn't mean any of it!
Naomi Lapaglia:
Daddy shouldn't waste his time. And from now on... it's gonna be nothing but short, short skirts around the house. And you know something else, Daddy? Mommy is just so sick and tired of wearing panties.
Jordan Belfort: Yeah?
Naomi Lapaglia: Yeah.
Naomi Lapaglia: [pushes him away with her legs] But no touching.
Jordan Belfort: Oh, gosh.