Lisa: Dad, just for once don't you want to try something new?
Homer: Oh Lisa, trying is just the first step toward failure.
Homer: I hope I didn't brain my damage.
Marge: Sitting that close to the TV is bad for your health.
Homer: Talking to me while I'm watching TV is bad for your health.
Marge: Homer, it's easy to criticize.
Homer: Fun, too.
Bart: Dad, I can't believe you're risking my life to save your own.
Homer: Son, you'll understand one day, when you have kids.
Homer: [after doing or saying something stupid] D'oh!
Elf: Welcome to Santa's Village, where it's Christmas everyday! Closed on Christmas.
Homer: Oh, I'm in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I don't have to listen to myself. I'm drunk.
[Lisa is strangling Bart]
Homer: Lisa, no. Your hands are too weak.
[begins strangling Bart]
Homer: Kids, just because I don't care doesn't mean I'm not listening.
Ralph: Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers!
Ned Flanders: You know, a man came into the store today and asked for change for a dollar, and I accidentally gave him three quarters. Took me all afternoon just to track him down.
Mr. Burns: Whoa, slow down there maestro. There's a NEW Mexico?
Mr. Burns: Smithers, release the hounds.
Homer: Well, I hope you've learnt your lesson, Lisa: never help anyone.
Chief Wiggum: [shopping for his wife at a women's clothing store] My wife's looking for something that doesn't make her look like a horse, so, I'm gonna be here for a while
Homer: [Comforting] There, there. Shut up boy.
Mr. Burns: [Giving a talk to inspire the school] Okay, I'm going to keep this short. Friends, family, religion. These are the demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business. Any questions?
Homer: Beer. Now there's a temporary solution.
Barney: I'm just saying that when we die, there'll be a planet for the French, a planet for the Germans, and we'll all be a lot happier!
Lisa: Mr Gumble, you're upsetting me!
Barney: No I'm not!
