The Longest Yard
The Longest Yard

Caretaker: Who we gonna crush?
(prisoners team): The guards!
Caretaker: Who we gonna kill?
(prisoners team): The guards!
Caretaker: Who we gonna kiss?
Brucie: [shouting out loud all alone] The guards!
Caretaker: [smile] Gotcha.

The Longest Yard
The Longest Yard

Switowski: He broke-ded my nose
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Let me try to fix that.
[Crewe fixes his nose]
Switowski: How do I look?
Caretaker: Much better, like a young Michael Jackson.
Switowski: I love little Michael.

The Longest Yard
The Longest Yard

Cheeseburger Eddy: I knew you couldn't resist my shit! I got the shakes that'll make you quake. I got the fries that'll cross your eyes. I got that burgers that'll... I just got burgers.

The Longest Yard
The Longest Yard

Cheeseburger Eddy: You gotta always protect the McNuggets!

The Longest Yard
The Longest Yard

Switowski: Will you teach me to football?
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Sure, I'll teach you to football.
Caretaker: I'll teach you anything. Just don't eat me.

The Longest Yard
The Longest Yard

Brucie: [after being hit hard] I got a bird, his name is Ronnie!
Caretaker: Well, tell Ronnie you got knocked the fuck out!

The Longest Yard
The Longest Yard

Guard Dunham: [after breaking off a long run, storms up to Megget] That's how a white man runs the football!
Earl Megget: Man, you lucky I ain't on defense. I'd crack you in that egg-ass head of yours!
Guard Dunham: Yeah, but you ain't on defense. Are ya, bitch?
Earl Megget: Switowski! Come here!
[he

comes running over]
Earl Megget: You know what he said in the library?
[whispers to Switowski about Dunham calling Malcolm X then "N word", as Switowski's eyes about pop out of his head]
Earl Megget: Yes. Him. Out!
Switowski: [Destroys Dunham with a huge hit on the next play. Everyone gathers around to look at Dunham

and sniffs] I think I made-ed him shit himself.
Coach Nate Scarborough: I think he just shit himself.
All Sportswriters: I think he just shit himself.
Stretcher Guy: Good lord, this guy shit himself big time!
Switowski: [jumps up and down celebrating] See! I told you i made-ed him shit himself!
Earl

Megget: [as Dunmham is being carted off the field on a stretcher] I'll be sure to send them books to the hospital, pimp!
Deacon Moss: And some diapers!

The Longest Yard
The Longest Yard

Caretaker: [introducing himself to Crewe] Whatever your pleasure, I can facilitate. You need weed, you need meth- hey, you need Prozac, I'm your man. I know how you white boys always deal with that depression. I mean me personally, I don't understand what you white boys are all depressed about. Hey, you're white! Smile!

The Longest Yard
The Longest Yard

[last lines]
Deacon Moss: [Deacon and Battle pour Gatorade on Warden Hazen] Good game, sir!
Warden Hazen: That's a week in the hotbox!
Joey Battle: Who gives a shit!

The Longest Yard
The Longest Yard

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Huddle up! Look, I'm sure you already know this, but I've never said it out loud. I *did* throw that game. I did it. I was in a bad way with some worse people. After I did it, I felt so shitty, I wish I would have just let them kill me instead. Now the warden wants to pin Caretaker's murder on me if I don't throw *this* game. So it looks like I'm going to

get to know you guys a lot better because I aint doing that twice in a lifetime. We got a little time left. We can still do this. I'm begging you. Put your hands in here. Ok, thank you. Who are we?
[Team shouts, "Mean Machine!", and takes the field]
Turley: I'm glad you're back. Now I don't have to stab you.

The Longest Yard
The Longest Yard

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: You play football?
Caretaker: Me? No, I sucked so bad they used to pick after the white kids. Used to be mad to be like, "Man I can't beleive i picked a nigga that cant play"

The Longest Yard
The Longest Yard

Punky: [after the convicts won the game] We win! Group hug in the shower tonight!... or not. Or not.

The Longest Yard
The Longest Yard

Caretaker: Well, we didn't get the whole chocolate bar, but we got a Hershey's kiss.

The Longest Yard
The Longest Yard

Cheeseburger Eddy: It ain't easy being cheesy!

The Longest Yard
The Longest Yard

Joey Battle: Wow, no bullshit! Football, against the guards?
Coach Nate Scarborough: Yep, full contact.
Joey Battle: Captain Knauer is the quarterback?
Caretaker: Yep.
Joey Battle: So I get to tackle him?
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Yeah, either that you can hit him

over the head with that hammer.
Joey Battle: I wanna hurt him, not kill him.
Caretaker: Lets get outta here before that thing bites someone!

The Longest Yard
The Longest Yard

Brucie: How come I cant be kicker? I was all state!
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: All right let's see what you got.
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: [kicks ball along the ground] ... that's why you dumbass.

The Longest Yard
The Longest Yard

Joey Battle: Wow no bullshit! Real football, against the guards?
Coach Nate Scarborough: Full contact.
Joey Battle: Captain Knauer is the quarterback?
Caretaker: Yep.
Joey Battle: So I get to tackle him?
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Yeah, you can either tackle him or

you can hit him over the head with that *hammer*.
Joey Battle: [looks down at his crotch] I wanna hurt him, not kill him.
Caretaker: Lets get outta here before that thing bites someone!
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Alright we'll see you and your pet iguana at practice.

The Longest Yard
The Longest Yard

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: I will be your coach, your captain, your quarterback...
Brucie: You haven't played in years! Why can't I be quarterback?
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: You're right; let's see what you got.
[throws ball to Brucie]
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Hit me; I'm open!
Brucie:

[throws wild pass]
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: That's why, now sit down and shut up.

The Longest Yard
The Longest Yard

Caretaker: Look in your toilet, I left you a surprise.
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: You took a shit in my toilet?
Caretaker: No, that's what I left in Brucey's toilet.

The Longest Yard
The Longest Yard

Cheeseburger Eddy: [to Megget] You acting like a real Mcasshole?