Chip Douglas: The future is now! Soon every American home will integrate their television, phone and computer. You'll be able to visit the Louvre on one channel, or watch female wrestling on another. You can do your shopping at home, or play Mortal Kombat with a friend from Vietnam. There's no end to the possibilities!
Sam Sweet: [Tape of his phone call to the police] Oh my God! Oh my God! My twin brother has been shot! I think it was an Asian gang or something... There was this guy, he looked Asian... and he was speaking another language, I'm pretty sure it was... Asian.
Chip Douglas: Free cable is the ultimate aphrodisiac.
Steven: You know, my brother is a speech therapist.
Chip Douglas: Tho?
Steven: Can I get a knife or fork?
Wench: There were no utensils in medieval times, hence there are no utensils AT Medieval Times. Would you like a refill on that Pepsi?
Steven: There were no utensils but there was Pepsi?
Wench: Dude, I got a lot of tables.
Chip Douglas: Dos thus have thou a mug of ale for me and me mate, for he hath been pitched in battle for a fortnight and has the king's thirst for the frosty brew dos thou might have for thus!
Chip Douglas: HI! Is there a problem with your service?
Steven Kovacs: Yeah, my cable is out.
Chip Douglas: [Presents a cut cord] Really? So you call me? Ha, funny how you call when you NEED something. Is that how you treat people?
Chip Douglas: This concludes our broadcast day. Click.
Chip Douglas: You know what the trouble about real life is? There's no danger music.
Helicopter paramedic: Hang in there, pal! You're gonna make it, buddy.
Chip Douglas: Hey!
[helicopter paramedic learns forward]
Chip Douglas: Am I really your buddy?
Helicopter paramedic: Yeah, sure you are.
[an evil grin spreads across Chip's face]
Chip Douglas: You were never there for me were you mother? You expected Mike and Carol Brady to raise me! I'm the bastard son of Claire Huxtable! I am a Lost Cunningham! I learned the facts of life from watching The Facts of Life! Oh God!
Chip Douglas: Call it one guy doing another guy a solid.
Steven Kovacs: That is so nice!
Chip Douglas: Well you're a nice guy! You'd be surprised how many customers treat me like snot, like I'm a goddamn plumber or somethin'.
Chip Douglas: The blue knight rules! The red knight sucks the big one! Down, down, down. Right knight goin' down. Down, down, down. Red knight goin' down.
Medieval Times host: Preferred customer my ASS!
Steven Kovacs: [Chip had hired a prostitute to entertain Steven] Just get out. I don't ever want to see you again. Robin is never going to forgive me!
Chip Douglas: Well I'll tell you how you handle that: DON'T TELL HER.
Medieval Times host: Quickly, muster atop your steed. Buddy, get on the friggin' horse. I don't think he's kidding.
Chip Douglas: You might recognize this song as performed by Jefferson Airplane, in a little rockumentary called "Gimme Shelter," about the Rolling Stones and their nightmare at Altamont. That night the Oakland chapter of the Hell's Angels had their way. Tonight, it's my turn.
Rick: Look, Chip Douglas, I don't know what your story is, but I'm going to find out!
Chip Douglas: Well, don't dig too deep or you might get burnt by the molten lava!
