Kid #3: [in Joey's class] My Mommy says smoking kills.
Nick Naylor: Oh, is your Mommy a doctor?
Kid #3: No.
Nick Naylor: A scientific researcher of some kind?
Kid #3: No.
Nick Naylor: Well, then she's hardly a credible expert, is she?
Nick Naylor: [to Joey] My job requires a certain... moral flexibility.
Nick Naylor: [Narrating] Few people on this planet knows what it is to be truly despised. Can you blame them? I earn a living fronting an organization that kills 1200 people a day. Twelve hundred people. We're talking two jumbo jet plane loads of men, women and children. I mean, there's Attila, Genghis... and me, Nick Naylor. The face of cigarettes, the Colonel Sanders of
nicotine.
Jeff Megall: [in his office] Sony has a futuristic sci-fi movie they're looking to make.
Nick Naylor: Cigarettes in space?
Jeff Megall: It's the final frontier, Nick.
Nick Naylor: But wouldn't they blow up in an all oxygen environment?
Jeff Megall: Probably. But it's an easy fix. One
line of dialogue. 'Thank God we invented the... you know, whatever device.'
BR: [during a meeting with company executives and other staff members] People, what is going on out there? I look down this table, all I see are white flags. Our numbers are down all across the board. Teen smoking, our bread and butter, is falling like a shit from heaven! We don't sell Tic Tacs for Christ's sake. We sell cigarettes. And they're cool and available and *addictive*.
The job is almost done for us!
Nick Naylor: [out loud] "I just need to pay the mortgage."
Nick Naylor: [to self] The Yuppie Nuremberg defense.
Nick Naylor: [in Joey's class] My point is that you have to think for yourself. If your parents told you that chocolate was dangerous would you take their word for it?
[Children say no]
Nick Naylor: Exactly! So perhaps instead of acting like sheep when it comes to cigarettes you should find out for yourself.
Brad: Nick, your job and everything aside, I hope you understand that second hand smoke's a real killer.
Nick Naylor: What are you talking about?
Brad: I just hope you're providing a smoke-free environment for Joey is all I'm saying.
Nick Naylor: Brad, I'm his *father*. You're the guy fucking his mom.
Brad: That was unnecessary.
Polly Bailey: [in a restaurant, referring to Heather] You didn't tell her about us, did you?
Nick Naylor: Who? Heather? No!... I mean, maybe in passing.
Polly Bailey: In passing.
Bobby Jay Bliss: Oh God, he fucked her. I tried to warn you...
Polly Bailey: Hey, he didn't fuck her. You
didn't fuck her, did you?
[Nick doesn't answer]
Polly Bailey: When?
Bobby Jay Bliss: In passing.
Senator Dupree: [during the Senate subcommittee] Mr. Naylor, there's no need for theatrics.
Nick Naylor: I'm sorry. I just don't see the point in a warning label for something people already know.
Senator Dupree: The warning symbol is a reminder, a reminder of the dangers of smoking cigarettes.
Nick Naylor:
Well, if we want to remind people of danger why don't we slap a skull and crossbones on all Boeing airplanes, Senator Lothridge. And all Fords, Senator Dupree.
Senator Ortolan Finistirre: That is ridiculous. The death toll from airline and automobile accidents doesn't even skim the surface cigarettes. They don't even compare.
Nick Naylor: Oh, this
from a Senator who calls Vermont home.
Senator Ortolan Finistirre: I don't follow you, Mr. Naylor.
Nick Naylor: Well, the real demonstrated #1 killer in America is cholesterol. And here comes Senator Finistirre whose fine state is, I regret to say, clogging the nation's arteries with Vermont Cheddar Cheese. If we want to talk numbers, how about the
millions of people dying of heart attacks? Perhaps Vermont Cheddar should come with a skull and crossbones.
Senator Ortolan Finistirre: That is lu - . The great state of Vermont will not apologize for its cheese!
Senator Lothridge: Mr. Naylor, we are here to discuss cigarettes - not planes, not cars - cigarettes. Now as we discussed earlier these
warning labels are not for those who know but rather for those who don't know. What about the children?
Nick Naylor: Gentlemen, it's called education. It doesn't come off the side of a cigarette carton. it comes from our teachers, and more importantly our parents. It is the job of every parent to warn their children of all the dangers of the world, including cigarettes, so
that one day when they get older they can choose for themselves. I look at my son who was kind enough to come with me today, and I can't help but think that I am responsible for his growth and his development. And I'm proud of that.
Senator Ortolan Finistirre: Well, having said that, would you condone him smoking?
Nick Naylor: Well, of course not.
He's not 18. That would be illegal.
Senator Ortolan Finistirre: Yes, I've heard you deliver that line on 20/20, but enough dancing. What are you going to do when he turns 18? C'mon, Mr. Naylor. On his 18th birthday will you share a cigarette with him? Will you spend a lovely afternoon - like one of your ludicrous cigarette advertisements? You seem to have to have a lot to
say about how we should raise our children. What of your own? What are you going to do when he turns 18?
Nick Naylor: If he really wants a cigarette. I'll buy him his first pack.
Nick Naylor: [narrating] After watching the footage of the Kent State shootings, Bobby Jay, then seventeen, signed up for the National Guard so that he, too, could shoot college students.
Nick Naylor: [Narrating] Few people on this planet know what it is to be truly despised. Can you blame them? I earn a living fronting an organizing that kills one thousand two hundred human beings a day; twelve hundred people. We're talking two jumbo jet plane loads of men, women, and children. I mean there's Attila, Genghis, and me, Nick Naylor the face of cigarettes, the colonel
sanders of nicotine. This is where I work, the Academy of Tobacco Studies. It was established by seven gentlemen you may recognize from C-Span. These guys realized quick if they were gonna claim cigarettes were not addictive they better have proof. This is the man they rely on, Erhardt Von Grupten Mundt. They found him in Germany. I won't go into the details. He's been testing the link between
nicotine and lung cancer for thirty years, and hasn't found any conclusive results. The man's a genius, he could disprove gravity. Then we got our sharks. We draft them out of Ivy League law schools and give them timeshares and sports cars. It's just like a John Grisham novel. Well you know without all the espionage. Most importantly we got spin control. That's where I come in. I get paid to talk.
I don't have an MD or law degree. I have a baccalaureate in kicking ass and taking names. You know that guy who can pick up any girl, I'm him on crack.
Senator Ortolan Finistirre: [during the Senate subcommittee] Please state your name, address, and current occupation.
Nick Naylor: My name is Nick Naylor. I live at 6000 Massachusetts Avenue. I am currently unemployed but until recently I was the Vice President of the Academy of Tobacco Studies.
Senator Ortolan Finistirre: Mr.
Naylor, as Vice President of the Academy of Tobacco Studies, what was required of you? What did you do?
Nick Naylor: I informed the public of all the research performed in the investigation on the effects of tobacco.
Senator Ortolan Finistirre: And what, so far, has the Academy concluded in their investigation into the effects of tobacco?
Nick Naylor: Well, many things actually. Why just the other day they uncovered evidence that smoking can offset Parkinson's disease.
Senator Ortolan Finistirre: I'm sure the health community is thrilled. Mr. Naylor, who provides the financial background for the Academy of Tobacco Studies?
Nick Naylor: Conglomerated Tobacco.
Senator Ortolan Finistirre: That's the cigarette companies.
Nick Naylor: For the most part, yes.
Senator Ortolan Finistirre: Do you think that might affect their priorities?
Nick Naylor: No. Just as, I'm sure, campaign contributions don't affect yours.
Senator Lothridge: Mr. Naylor is
not hear to testify on the goings on of the Academy of Tobacco Studies. We're hear to examine the possibility of a warning label on cigarettes. Now, Mr. Naylor, I have to ask you out of formality, do you believe that smoking cigarettes, over time, can lead to lung cancer and lead to other respiratory conditions such as emphysema.
Nick Naylor: Yes. In fact, I think you'd be
hard pressed to find someone who really believes that cigarettes are not potentially harmful. I mean - show of hands - Who out here thinks that cigarettes aren't dangerous?
Polly Bailey: [in a restaurant] How about it Nick, are you a tit man?
Bobby Jay Bliss: Don't answer that, that's a trap.
Nick Naylor: Depends on the tits.
Nick Naylor: [Narrating] Right there, looking into Joey's eyes, it all came back in a rush. Why I do what I do. Defending the defenseless, protecting the disenfranchised corporations that have been abandoned by their very own consumers: the logger, the sweatshop foreman, the oil driller, the land mine developer, the baby seal poacher...
Polly Bailey: Baby
seal poacher?
Bobby Jay Bliss: Even *I* think that's kind of cruel.